Going against DH's wishes?

[Ms.Christ3n]

I want a weave but my fiance told me not to get one because he loves me the way I am (aaaw) but I still want one. He says he doesn't like weaves and blah blah blah .I was thinking AAMH Kinky Curly to make it look a lot more natural but he's making me feel so darn guilty.

Do you ladies ever feel bad about going against hubby's ( or soon to be hubby's) wishes?

 

[Bublin]

Yep, my hubby knows i'm transitioning and that i'm eventually going to cut off the majorty of my length but he doesn't like it one bit.

When i mention that i feel like chopping with about 6 inches of new growth he ignores me like he didn't hear.

 

[Neith]

Been with him for over 3 years. and nope. lol

He always wants me to just wear my hair in its shrunken state. I like to wear twist outs so that it doesn't get tangly.

Do what you need to do

Hair shouldn't be a deal breaker in a relationship imo.

btw... gorgeous hair! :lovedrool:

 

[LadyRaider]

It's a very personal thing. But I think getting a weave is different than cutting your hair. I think if your significant other doesn't like weaves, then that's something to take into consideration very strongly.

Cutting your hair is different to me... at least in terms of cutting off relaxer. That is something that needs to be done in a sense. Heck and it's your hair.

Heck I can't explain why I think it's different. It just is.

 

[LongCurlyLocks]

Uhh...who's paying? You or him? If you are then do you. He'll get over it. If he REALLY loves you, he won't mind-weave or not. That's real talk.

 

[Sounique]

Yes, my husband does not like the idea of me bc at all. I think that plays a big part in my hesitation to just get it over with.
He doesn't like the idea that I'm going natural either, but hey you can't please all the people all the time...

 

[HauteHippie]

I'm not married, so I can't comment on going against your husband's wishes with your hair. I do remember that my mom cut her hair when I was a kid and my dad reacted as if she had just sold our house without discussing it with him. He got over it, but I think he felt like he lost some of his bragging rights. Also, it was a mullet!!!! Oh, the 80s...

 

[Ms.Christ3n]

He didn't want me to big chop at all but then when I did he's like my Natural Nazi!He's like don't blowdry it or flat iron it or you'll mess up your curlies....that man confuses the hell out of me sometimes...

 

[Amber_moon]

Im all for getting your partners opinion on things... but why in 2010 are we having a discussion about "going against your husbands wishes"?

- its your head
- you wash your hair, comb your hair and you are responsible for its daily upkeep.
- I'm assuming YOU will be paying for the style.

So why exactly are we still having this discussion? Do what you want. If you like it an its on YOUR head... what da dealio yo?

IMO I think we give men too much of a say in our own business... Im assuming he doesnt consult you before he goes to get a hair cut? Or before he buys a new shirt or pair of jeans?

 

[Kurlee]

i say do what YOU want with YOUR hair.

 

[Shananyganz]

Welllllll.. I HAD the opposite issue.

Let me begin by saying that I don't have a hubby..or an intended for that matter...but I did (at one point) have someone of interest in my life. He came along well after my decision to go natural; our situation didn't become serious until after I BC'ed (since we weren't that close he didn't know at the time that I had BC'ed)...so allat was never a factor. His thing? He prefers (would rather) long straight hair. I wear protective styles more often than not..so my hair is in a weave or braids 90% of the time. Once again, protective styles...not the issue. The issue??? Him and I would butt heads the times I let my natural hair breathe. He hated it...with a passive-aggressive passion. A new set of braids or a new weave..got compliments all day...ALL. DAY. But let me rock my fro and it was silence all over the land.

He is no longer in my life, for reasons outside of hair, but it taught me that for some people, while hair isn't a deal breaker, it puts a hold on contract negotiations. I tried to communicate with him, so that he would understand how important his support was, but I got nothing. It is what it is and I never once felt bad when I rocked my fro because it had to be done. I will say this...I promote self-validation to the hilt, but because he was so important to me (at the time), it DID make me feel some kind of way to not get his support. But what can you do? If a happy compromise cannot be met, you have to do what is best for you...IMHO.

ETA: This discussion is probably a factor (even now) because for some it is a very real thing...yes in 2010. It IS her head and she can and probably will do with it as she wants. But maybe all this is deeper than a hair style choice. In my situation, once I looked under the surface of "I like long straight hair"...the fact of the matter was homeboy was shallow..hence why he is no longer in my life. I can't speak to the OP's situation...but within reason, there are certain things one must consider in one's relationship. Should she NOT get a weave just beacuse he doesn't like it..no..not saying that at all. as OP pointed out..initially her dude wasn't feeling the big chop, but he came around. I'd beg to think he would with a weave as well.

~S~

 

[LunadeMiel]

I probably wouldn't get the weave *shrug*

 

[Ms.Christ3n]

Im all for getting your partners opinion on things... but why in 2010 are we having a discussion about "going against your husbands wishes"?

- its your head
- you wash your hair, comb your hair and you are responsible for its daily upkeep.
- I'm assuming YOU will be paying for the style.

So why exactly are we still having this discussion? Do what you want. If you like it an its on YOUR head... what da dealio yo?

IMO I think we give men too much of a say in our own business... Im assuming he doesnt consult you before he goes to get a hair cut? Or before he buys a new shirt or pair of jeans?

We discuss everything with each other,we have a joint account and we are saving money up for our wedding so we do consult each other with everything.

 

[LadyRaider]

I probably wouldn't get the weave *shrug*

See? This is me too. But cutting hair/going natural etc. that's YOUR business. A weave... is kind of different to me.

I would hate it though if a man wanted me to get a weave. Lol. He better step back on that!

 

[HauteHippie]

I think the conversation is still relevant in 2010. It has to do with open communication, mutual respect, and compromise. I was engaged and my ex actually did consult me when he changed/cut his hair ( I was NOT a fan of his blond tips!). I think that it's the prerogative of each couple to decide what works for them.

 

[LadyRaider]

I think my perfect main would not care what I did with my hair as long as I liked it. But no one is perfect.

 

[Ms.Christ3n]

See? This is me too. But cutting hair/going natural etc. that's YOUR business. A weave... is kind of different to me.

I would hate it though if a man wanted me to get a weave. Lol. He better step back on that!

He's has a thing against weaves...I think one probably attacked him when he was little or something.....

 

[HisBestFriend]

DH and I make majority joint decisions on everything. Whenever I want a hairstyle that I know he's not going to like. I spend a significant time telling him/reminding him that the change is going to come.

I tell him why I believe the on coming hairstyle is important and what the benefits are to me. In the end he says, babe, I know your hair is important so do what you have to do.

Sounds like a lot for a grown woman with her own job to go through but it is not. To DH it signifies that while I don't agree with his opinion I do and always will place a value on his opinion.

I've worn weaves - he hated them. Braids- Ultra hates them and now I'm in a bun - neutral. But in the end he'll go along with what makes me happy because he trusts that I know what I'm doing.

 

[Neith]

Of course communication and compromise matter in relationships. That goes without saying lol.

My SO checks with me from time to time about his hair.

but at the end of the day... the final decision should be yours because it's your hair.

If that's not that's not the case for you... I guess I can't advise. That's not how my relationship works personally. Different dynamics in our relationships concerning hair at least.

 

[nikolite]

There was a similar discussion on this board: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=471534&highlight=

I think you should go ahead and do it and he'll get over it. Especially if you wear styles that match your hair. I got a half-wig that completely matched my own hair without telling him and he couldn't even tell the difference until I told him. When he asked why I was wearing it, I said "Why put in all the work of gelling and raking my hair when I can just slap this on and protect it?" That shut him up pretty good about it.

 

[Ms.Christ3n]

Thanks ladies. I guess we are still in our honeymoon period and I just didn't want him to think that I didn't value his opinion. Thanks for all the positive answers and sharing your own experiences.

 

[L.Brown1114]

IMHO i think you shouldnt get it if he honestly doesnt like it, whats the point? hes the one that has to look at you. my boyfriend cut off his dreads and i told him not to like a million times but he did anyway. after he did i just wasnt sexually attracted to him anymore. i still loved him and cared for him of course. im not saying he wont be but I'm the one that has to do it and look at his ugly bald self lol. its growing out now and the second i can grab and twists hes getting his dreads back!

 

[brucebettye]

In the beginning of my relationship/marriage I did ask my husband opinions on my hair. I am older and we have been married for 13 years and I don't care anymore about his opinion of my hair.

 

[sleepflower]

This is why my family assume I will be a bad wife lol. When it comes to my body ain't nobody gonna tell me what to do unless I was doing something they were allergic to or something. Maybe it's me. As long as my (prospective) SO is clean, healthy, and happy with himself, then I am happy with the relationship. I have always attracted those who could not care less about it, too. This is not to say that I would not ask for an opinion, or give an opinion, but there is no way I am going to ask for permission. I can imagine it being a dealbreaker for a new relationship, but I would hope these things would matter less in established relationships. But there are all types that make up the world and I am sure some of them cannot understand my point of view, either. While your husband may have to look at you, you are the one who has to live with your hair and take care of it, and that trumps any opinion anyone else may have.

I do truly hope you and your hubby strike a compromise that makes the both of you happy and works with your relationship. TBH it sounds like the kinky-curly type afros are a good compromise and if he does keep objecting you could always say his money helped buy it too, lol. Kudos on having such open communication, it seems rare to see that anymore!

 

[Anew]

No I never feel bad.

He just stares now, or walks up and shakes his head. I know what he's thinking though, lol