Rock head husband and his lack of support! (RANT)

[esoterica]

i'm thinking the same thing.

What happens if you're unfortunate enough to get breast cancer and those breasts gotta go? what happens if a disease or illness causes you to loose all your hair, it will never grow back? what happens if you've been in an accident and you can no longer move your body from the waist down? neck down? slobber on yourself and piss and sh!! on yourself?

what happens if you gain weight? become anoxeric? what happens if you were to have a hysterectomy and can no longer bear children or go through premature menopause and can no longer respond sexually to your mate?

Off topic: Lynnie, you make some good points here... interesting questions for us unmarried ones to ask ourselves... i wonder who would look after me like that.

 

[esoterica]

i can see where he is coming from to a certain extent. my ex had hair down to his butt and i would have been pissed if he cut it. then again, he wasn't my husband. but even so, i'd still object big time. he probably doesn't see the need for you changing yourself as he obviously thinks your gorgeous as you are.

 

[PaperClip]

I so so agree.....These women will have you hyped up and have your house upside down over nothing....Some esle said he is just a man...My husband is not just a man...He is my best-friend, my protector, my provider, my lover and the father of my children.....He does so much.....I don't mind comprising sometimes......My husband is a fitness fanatic ....So I get up every morning go running and work out...Because I know he likes it....I would never allow myself to become heavy because I know he is attracted to little women......Not to say he wouldn't love me anymore but I still want to take his breath away.....My husband shaves he head just for me ...I love bald black men.....But he knows what a bald head does to me.....I think caring about what your spouse thinks is important....

A good friend of mine cut all her to go natural and it caused serious problems in their home......She ended up buying wigs...Because her husband couldn't keep the rod hard ...He said when he bent her over she looked like a man.....They have been married 14 years and he loves my friend but he is attracted to what he is attracted to....She is hurting because of this........Some women husbands don't care less what their wives do....But your not married to everyone elses husband.....

Let me take up for the brothers right quick....

It's not OK to SPRING STUFF SUDDENLY on your man. Men like CONSISTENCY. Men want STABILITY. Men do not respond favorably to (SUDDEN) CHANGE. I would say that your good friend's serious problems didn't occur because she went natural, it was that she CUT HER HAIR SO SUDDENLY and DRAMATICALLY, maybe?

ETA: and COSIGN to those who talked about there being DEEPER ISSUES re. his inability to "rise to the occasion". It's definitely more than just about hair.

 

[1QTPie]

He doesn't like short hair....And the brother is not a loser...He is attracted to what he is attracted to...This man was a big brother to me and help build my father's church...Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you have to be attracted to them.....Let my husband gain weight I wouldn't be attracted to him either but I will always love him....

That's sad though, my good good friend lost her hair to chemo, I'm so glad she has a husband that's in love with her spirit moreso than her hair folllicles.


And Lauren... you best not come back in here preggo. That's all I'ma say about him not kicking you outta bed.



Carmela,

Good luck with whatever decision you make when it comes to your hair. I've read over and over again on this board from women who say "it's just hair." This is just another example of how it's deeper than that for us and the men who are supposed to love and support us.

That being said, be grateful that you have a man that can be honest. Be confident in whatever decision that you make. Know that if you do go against what he "thinks" that he desires, that there may be small repercussions. (I say thinks because no matter how anyone twists it, there is mild mind play when it comes to what we believe is attractive. Not that it's wrong or right, but there is.)

I hope for your sake, your husband truly learns to say, "hell, I have this fine *** woman on my arm, she could have one tiddy, one eye and a permanent mohawk and I'm going to love how she looks because she's MINE." He may not believe it, but he could lie to himself.

 

[Mystic]

My husband is like your bolded part below, Pretty. As long as I am doing ME and I am happy, so is he.

As I was reading this thread, I was reminded about what my sister-in-law went through with her husband - my brother. My brother would get bent out of shape if his wife cuts her hair, or wears certain clothes. He was the most miserable creature to live during the period she decided to defy his request to stay relaxed. When he realized that she intended to continue with her desire to become natural, he called her all the names in the world. He did everything he could to get her to change her mind, and he almost did (it gets really vulnerable and lonely the beginning stages of going natural, especially with little support) but I reminded her that she needed to do this for herself. I told her what he has been doing is a form of verbal control and she needs to nip that shi*t in the butt before it gets out of hand. It was TOUGH for her to take her life back after giving him the permission to control her for so long and getting her power back almost wrecked havoc on the marriage. However, through consistency and determination she took her life back, and has not settled since. He eventually realized the importance of his marriage - it's not about her hair or clothes - be began to see the bigger picture. He still voices his opinion but now in a matter of fact way - and she listens and corrects if it's warranted. If it's not, he is OK with her decision. Their relationship has never reached this level before and they are both happier. However, it started off with a seemingly innocent type of control which spiraled into a monster overtime.

I do not know the OP life so this is not in directed at her.

I am sorry but this thread is rather upsetting to me. I cannot imagine how you feel. Granted DH is not black but he always would talk about my puff. He loved playing with it. When I went back to relaxed he loved it because it was how my hair was, when we first met. However, I have thought about BCing again and he did say he would miss my relaxed hair but he did love my puff. So he would be happy either which way.

I know this is not the norm but it is very upsetting to read how deadset against it, he is. You are a beautiful woman and you will continue to be with long hair, a puff, a fade or even a baldy. I don't get why he doesn't see that. I know men love hair but doesn't your happiness matter also? What if he lost his hair? Would you divorce him on the grounds of baldness? I know you wouldn't

 

[Cheleigh]

after reading some of the responses here, i thank God for the husband that i have, seriously.

Me too. I'm pretty sure that my SO likes my hair straight (or rather in a variety of styles). I'd like to see his hair loc'd or short--I'm tired of his current style. But he's not going to change his hair for me, nor I for him because it's not that big of a deal. I'm not going to be unattracted to him because he won't do his hair that way I'd like it, and he's not going to be unattracted to me because I don't change up my hair very often. Now, I'm not going to go around looking like a hot buttered mess because I respect our relationship (well, rarely ) and although we have different tastes in clothes we still make ourselves look pretty fly together.

And yes, I've discovered that the only time we fuss about my hair at all is when I bring it up. So if I rarely bring it up (other than in passing), problem solved.

 

[Hair Iam]

You make a good point. Sometimes just comes down to preferences.

I do not like dreadlocks on a man. I don't know why but I just don't. So if my man all of a sudden tells me he wants to loc his hair, I would have issues with it. Yes, locs are natural, chemical free, etc........but I still don't like them on MY man. Other men can do what they want. I would just prefer for MY man not to have them.

So if he loc'd, there would have to be some sort of compromise. I don't know what....but sumthin.......

I have to agree

 

[Suerte]

This post is so right on! I agree. I see both sides now too. And we haven't even been married a year so to make a drastic change might be too much too early. That's why I said Vevster might be on to something when she said don't rock the boat!
I'm giving myself until June to decide for sure.

Mhmm. I bet you wouldn't be happy if he came home with some Mili Vanili crochet braids. And maybe he just likes your hair in his face...

....sometimes.


Take your time. Transition. Play a game of "Find the packet of Flavored Lube in My New Growth and We Can Use It On Eachother".

 

[PeggyFair]

My husband once told me that he'd love me even if I was bald-head. Well, I cut my hair down to 1/4" when I went natural and he had no problem with it at all, he has his preferences of the hairstyles he likes me to wear, but he lets me know that it's my hair and to do whatever makes me happy.

That sounds like my SO! I would have no problem with my SO having issues with the styles I chose to wear or even the length(he doesn't), but if he were to start talking about hair that I was BORN WITH, he wouldn't be my SO anymore. It all boils down to how much you want to compromise.

 

[MissJ]

Well, my ex, WCG who was kinda crazy anyway was once dating a girl. Then all of a sudden she cut all her relaxed hair off. He stopped calling her. About 7 months into our relationship I decided that I didn't want to relax anymore. He did not like that I was transitioning. Once he even staged an impromptu intervention among my mother and sister. I couldn't believe the audacity of them telling me that my hair looked like a perm on top of an afro!!! Then he moved away and didn't see my hair every day. He still remembered what it looked like and would make comments about it, so I came up with a way to get him involved and excited about my going natural. I told him that I wanted him to give me the big chop, and it worked! Unfortunately, we were at different ends of the country when I wanted my chop, so I did it myself. Not that it matters now since we've broken up, but he loved my hair in an afro.

 

[MissJ]

A good friend of mine cut all her to go natural and it caused serious problems in their home......She ended up buying wigs...Because her husband couldn't keep the rod hard ...He said when he bent her over she looked like a man.....They have been married 14 years and he loves my friend but he is attracted to what he is attracted to....She is hurting because of this........Some women husbands don't care less what their wives do....But your not married to everyone elses husband.....

*gulp*

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

i'm thinking the same thing.

What happens if you're unfortunate enough to get breast cancer and those breasts gotta go? what happens if a disease or illness causes you to loose all your hair, it will never grow back? what happens if you've been in an accident and you can no longer move your body from the waist down? neck down? slobber on yourself and piss and sh!! on yourself?

what happens if you gain weight? become anoxeric? what happens if you were to have a hysterectomy and can no longer bear children or go through premature menopause and can no longer respond sexually to your mate?

i mean, those are some serious issues, hair is superficial when compared to the above.

if changing a hairstyle causes you man to have a limp meat or find you less than desireable then that's a man i do not want in my house, in my life, heck - i don't even want him to breathe the same air that i do.

after reading some of the responses here, i thank God for the husband that i have, seriously.

ITA, really sad .

 

[Supergirl]

Caramela,

Is he natural? Alrightee then! Tell him your texture can't be much different than his, so if he doesn't like yours he must not like his and so he needs to relax his too. That should make him t hnk for a second.

 

[wannabelong]

I so so agree.....These women will have you hyped up and have your house upside down over nothing....Some esle said he is just a man...My husband is not just a man...He is my best-friend, my protector, my provider, my lover and the father of my children.....He does so much.....I don't mind comprising sometimes......My husband is a fitness fanatic ....So I get up every morning go running and work out...Because I know he likes it....I would never allow myself to become heavy because I know he is attracted to little women......Not to say he wouldn't love me anymore but I still want to take his breath away.....My husband shaves he head just for me ...I love bald black men.....But he knows what a bald head does to me.....I think caring about what your spouse thinks is important....

A good friend of mine cut all her to go natural and it caused serious problems in their home......She ended up buying wigs...Because her husband couldn't keep the rod hard ...He said when he bent her over she looked like a man.....They have been married 14 years and he loves my friend but he is attracted to what he is attracted to....She is hurting because of this........Some women husbands don't care less what their wives do....But your not married to everyone elses husband.....

Girl you hit the nail right on the head. What you said ain't nothing but the truth!

 

[bravenewgirl87]

STOP showing him other natural heads! If you wanted to change your breast size, would you show him other breasts? Hopefully not.

I agree. Also, don't talk about it with him. I know many people will dispute what I have to say because I'm not married but, as a wife... you're leader of your household. As Carmela, you're the leader of your damn self. If he weren't around, would you still go natural? Do you think he would divorce you if you went totally natural? Well, what kind of husband is he?

It's just hair but by asking for and encouraging his negative opinions you're just causing more strife on something the essentially is your view of beauty. YOU have to live with this decision and if you don't like then go back to relaxed hair. You have a support group here and find friends/family members that support your decision. He'll get over it and if he doesn't... oh well! He showed his true colors.

 

[Caramela]

Play a game of "Find the packet of Flavored Lube in My New Growth and We Can Use It On Eachother".

Bwahahahahahaaaaaaahaaaa

 

[Nice & Wavy]

I can't believe this thread blew up to all these pages...wow

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Originally Posted by Traycee
I so so agree.....These women will have you hyped up and have your house upside down over nothing....Some esle said he is just a man...My husband is not just a man...He is my best-friend, my protector, my provider, my lover and the father of my children.....He does so much.....I don't mind comprising sometimes......My husband is a fitness fanatic ....So I get up every morning go running and work out...Because I know he likes it....I would never allow myself to become heavy because I know he is attracted to little women......Not to say he wouldn't love me anymore but I still want to take his breath away.....My husband shaves he head just for me ...I love bald black men.....But he knows what a bald head does to me.....I think caring about what your spouse thinks is important....

A good friend of mine cut all her to go natural and it caused serious problems in their home......She ended up buying wigs...Because her husband couldn't keep the rod hard ...He said when he bent her over she looked like a man.....They have been married 14 years and he loves my friend but he is attracted to what he is attracted to....She is hurting because of this........Some women husbands don't care less what their wives do....But your not married to everyone elses husband.....

Girl, this is really good. I would make you a leader in my marriage workshops in a snap!

 

[bravenewgirl87]

I so so agree.....These women will have you hyped up and have your house upside down over nothing....Some esle said he is just a man...My husband is not just a man...He is my best-friend, my protector, my provider, my lover and the father of my children.....He does so much.....I don't mind comprising sometimes......My husband is a fitness fanatic ....So I get up every morning go running and work out...Because I know he likes it....I would never allow myself to become heavy because I know he is attracted to little women......Not to say he wouldn't love me anymore but I still want to take his breath away.....My husband shaves he head just for me ...I love bald black men.....But he knows what a bald head does to me.....I think caring about what your spouse thinks is important....

A good friend of mine cut all her to go natural and it caused serious problems in their home......She ended up buying wigs...Because her husband couldn't keep the rod hard ...He said when he bent her over she looked like a man.....They have been married 14 years and he loves my friend but he is attracted to what he is attracted to....She is hurting because of this........Some women husbands don't care less what their wives do....But your not married to everyone elses husband.....

With all due respect to you, this opinion (although it makes good sense and well stated) is the sole reason I have no interest in getting married and make no provisions with any man towards such a goal. If I won't even honor my mother's negative views on natural hair... then why honor some man's? I was me before him; I will be me while I'm with him; and I'm going to be me after he's gone. I do agree that a marriage is about EBB and FLOW, but because it's so easy to destroy a woman's self-image... this is one issue I wouldn't budge on. But, that's just me. I have to live with my body forever and I want to know that I control how it looks.

 

[Caramela]

With all due respect to you, this opinion (although it makes good sense and well stated) is the sole reason I have no interest in getting married and make no provisions with any man towards such a goal. If I won't even honor my mother's negative views on natural hair... then why honor some man's? I was me before him; I will be me while I'm with him; and I'm going to be me after he's gone. I do agree that a marriage is about EBB and FLOW, but because it's so easy to destroy a woman's self-image... this is one issue I wouldn't budge on. But, that's just me. I have to live with my body forever and I want to know that I control how it looks.

Ironicially, I used to feel the same way, until I understood God's design for marriage. When you marry a person it's no longer about your individuality or you. You have to put yourself aside. You submit yourself to your spouse and your spouse to you... he becomes more important to you than yourself and you are more important to him than himself. So if you know that's something you are unable to do, then I respect your decision to stay unmarried.

 

[Traycee]

Girl, this is really good. I would make you a leader in my marriage workshops in a snap!

LOL.......I'am a relationship counselor...LOL

My father is Ordained Pastor and I'am a Ordained minister/counselor

You guys didn't know that ......

 

[bravenewgirl87]

Ironicially, I used to feel the same way, until I understood God's design for marriage. When you marry a person it's no longer about your individuality or you. You have to put yourself aside. You submit yourself to your spouse and your spouse to you... he becomes more important to you than yourself and you are more important to him than himself. So if you know that's something you are unable to do, then I respect your decision to stay unmarried.

At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you. Are you going to go natural.

 

[Caramela]

At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you. Are you going to go natural.

At the end of the day, I have to do what's best for both of us. The end of June will make a 6 month stretch. I plan on deciding then wether I'll continue to transition or go ahead and relax my hair. We'll see.

 

[bravenewgirl87]

At the end of the day, I have to do what's best for both of us. The end of June will make a 6 month stretch. I plan on deciding then wether I'll continue to transition or go ahead and relax my hair. We'll see.

I hope it works out. B.O.L.

 

[hothair]

Wow who this thread is STILL going! Nope got nothing to add see most sides of the arguement

 

[Nice & Wavy]

LOL.......I'am a relationship counselor...LOL

My father is Ordained Pastor and I'am a Ordained minister/counselor

You guys didn't know that ......

By your answers, I had a feeling that's why I said I would snap you up in a minute....

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Ironicially, I used to feel the same way, until I understood

God's design for marriage

. When you marry a person it's no longer about your individuality or you. You have to put yourself aside. You submit yourself to your spouse and your spouse to you... he becomes more important to you than yourself and you are more important to him than himself. So if you know that's something you are unable to do, then I respect your decision to stay unmarried.

That's it in a nutshell!

Good post, sis.

 

[Southernbella.]

Ironicially, I used to feel the same way, until I understood God's design for marriage. When you marry a person it's no longer about your individuality or you. You have to put yourself aside. You submit yourself to your spouse and your spouse to you... he becomes more important to you than yourself and you are more important to him than himself. So if you know that's something you are unable to do, then I respect your decision to stay unmarried.

ITA agree with this. The thing is, most men aren't getting this same advice. If they were, we wouldn't have so many stories about men who are dead set against their wives going natural or anything else that she feels is best for her body/spirit.

Thankfully, there are husbands like yours (and mine) who are willing to say "it's your hair, do what's right for you", even if they don't like it. That is submission, and that's how it should be, both ways.

 

[princessnad]

I hope everything works out for you OP.

 

[Lovelylocs]

Caramela, I can see the reasons behind both choices- staying relaxed and transitioning anyways. I support which ever option you choose. But, I honestly don't feel that transitioning to natural is worth a marriage. Unless of course, it's to the pt where u feel like he has some self-hate issues that u don't have and it's making u grow apart. But, then it wouldnt just be about hair, right?