doing this!! im hiding all my hair stuff and my dryers.
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Pissed!!!My DD grandma snuck a relaxer in her hair!!!!
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doing this!! im hiding all my hair stuff and my dryers.
loveable37
New Member
I know how u feel
In a situation like this u wanna blame everyone ,But now the souce of the problem starts with ur daughter.
She waited till she got away from around u,And
planned that when she go up there her grandma gonna put a PERM in her hair.
she knew GRANDMA would not turn her down.....all they had to do was get on the
phone call u.But she didnt so she went on did it regardless of what u say .
She at the age she smelling her piss like my mama said ,when we were growin up
Her grandma wrong but grandma never woulda put a relaxer in ur daughter hair without ur daughter permission (ONE PHONE CALL AWAY THA ALL IT TOOK)!!
In a situation like this u wanna blame everyone ,But now the souce of the problem starts with ur daughter.
She waited till she got away from around u,And
planned that when she go up there her grandma gonna put a PERM in her hair.
she knew GRANDMA would not turn her down.....all they had to do was get on the
phone call u.But she didnt so she went on did it regardless of what u say .
She at the age she smelling her piss like my mama said ,when we were growin up
Her grandma wrong but grandma never woulda put a relaxer in ur daughter hair without ur daughter permission (ONE PHONE CALL AWAY THA ALL IT TOOK)!!
That was a bold move. Grandma, dad and your daughter being in cahoots was wrong on so many levels
{attempting to tap into my former teenage logic} I guess she figured you'd be pissed initially, but eventually you'd calm down and come around. I hope you decide to help her with her hair, it would be a shame to lose all these years of progress because she wanted to sneak behind your back.
the way im feeling rightnow..i don't give a $#&% what happens to her hair
im waiting to see what shes going to do nex week. We r going on vacation. pool and WATERpark.........
Keshieshimmer
Active Member
She is 17, let her take care of her own hair. She'll learn soon enough. However I would not be angry at grandma, your daughter wanted it.
I know you are angry at her but don't turn your back on her when she asks you about advice about taking care of relaxed hair. It's not the end of the world really, there are worse things she could be doing.
I know you are angry at her but don't turn your back on her when she asks you about advice about taking care of relaxed hair. It's not the end of the world really, there are worse things she could be doing.
~*Tigget*~
Well-Known Member
EXACTLY!!! Kids that are defiant must be taught. She may think its "just" a relaxer. But it clearly goes deeper than that, frankly a grandmother should know this as an adult. Kids want to do a lot of things that they don't know better, because they don't have the full picture. An adult should not support a kid to disobey a parent.
If OP decides not to let grandmother visit for a while I would totally understand.
My husbands mother used to do stuff like this. My 16 y.o daughter right now has weight problem. When she younger I would monitor what she ate. We have the "big boned" genes, so I know its important for her to understand the concept of moderation. Well anyway she would sneak and give her 3 or 4 pieces of fried chicken, of course a kid is like...ok, but both knew my disapproval of this. Long story short now she is struggling day to day to control her eating and weight.
Just let this child learn the hard way, because if she don't, then it will be something else which could be worse than this.
wannabelong
Well-Known Member
the way im feeling rightnow..i don't give a $#&% what happens to her hair
im waiting to see what shes going to do nex week. We r going on vacation. pool and WATERpark.........
Uh oh, she's in trouble now. She better read up on relaxer care. If you're going to teach her a lesson by not helping her, make sure she doesn't find out about this site.
i know..but if shes sneaky about this...this makes me not trust her in everything else
Keshieshimmer
Active Member
I didn't think about this. You have the mother's instinct you'll know.
What's done is done, but she is your daughter. All this advice about letting her hair fall out and stuff just isn't on. Tho how she went about this wasn't good, neither is being angry enough to not help her take care of her hair.
Natural hair should be a choice, not imposed. Nor should you "punish" her by forcing her to lose her hair to make your point. Relaxed hair can be healthy and well groomed w/ the proper tools and knowledge. How many of y'all resent not having this knowledge? How much worse it it on have the knowledge and withhold it?
Frankly, many of the responses are petty and mean spirited. This is your daughter! If you
choose to not trust her over this and carry a grudge, you might permanently damage your relationship. Is natural hair worth the risk?
Natural hair should be a choice, not imposed. Nor should you "punish" her by forcing her to lose her hair to make your point. Relaxed hair can be healthy and well groomed w/ the proper tools and knowledge. How many of y'all resent not having this knowledge? How much worse it it on have the knowledge and withhold it?
Frankly, many of the responses are petty and mean spirited. This is your daughter! If you
choose to not trust her over this and carry a grudge, you might permanently damage your relationship. Is natural hair worth the risk?
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Butterfly08
New Member
OT: Mmmmm, fried chiiiiiiiicken.
Not to be disrespectful - my dd is the same way, it's a constant battle getting her to understand that she MUST control her eating. She's on the verge of being chunky. 
erplexedBack OT: That's messed up!
My family used to joke that dd needed a perm when they saw me combing through her thick kinky hair, but if they actually did it w/o my permission.....
Lavendar
Well-Known Member
I have a teenage daughter too (and a son)...and girl this is the time when you have to be strong and teach them about consequences. At any time you can whip her hair into shape and have her hair looking fierce, but don't do it. She probably never stopped to think about the fact that grandma was throwing the relaxer in her hair and dropping her off ALONE at the airport to face the music all by herself. She probably didn't stop to think about the care of her hair after the relaxer. She also really didn't dig deep to think about how hurt her mother would be by her going behind her back. If we don't let go and let them suffer the consequences for the actions, they'll never learn to think beyond themselves and their immediate wants. This year's lesson for my children has been self-control. We discuss it all the time. How to control yourself in very tempting situations....even when it's something you really want or want to do but know you can't have it or shouldn't do it. Stay mad for a while and let her apologize and require her to explain why she absolutely have to had that relaxer and go behind your back....also let her take care of her own hair and don't offer any suggestions.....at least for a while and you feel she's learned a lesson.
i understand what u r saying but its not about me imposing natural hair on her. Im relaxed. She just wasn't ready yet because her hair practices are very lazy. Im upset now and will cool off later. Its much more about how she did this behind my back. I can't trust her anymore and thats what I use to pride myself so much on.
Thank you..ita
I understand you're angry at the mo, but she's 17....let's have some prospective, She's not pregnant nor did she do anything illegal. Your "problem" is relatively minor, but you can make it worse by how you react, so think carefully. If her hair falls out or gets unnecessarily damaged she'll not only blame her grandparents, but you too.
wow..this is crazy because we went thru the EXACT same thing with her. She was overweight as a child and we had to moitor her eating or she would eat EVERYTHING!! grandma & them sneaking her food like she a refugee. chicken, cakes, whoppers, etc.
laurend
Well-Known Member
I agree with the above, stay mad for a minute and let her handle her own hair. I remember years ago, my mom told me time after time to watch the amount of heat a hairdresser uses because my hair doesn't handle heat well. Did I listen - of course not, I went to the egyptian salon(they use an extreme amount of heat) and my hair fell out. I learn to respect my mom's advice.
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Im not going to be thankful for a 'at least she's not preganant'
c'mon now.as minor as this may be to u. Its not to me. I'm not going to leave it alone. I will calm down and we will all sit down and have a talk about this. The behind the back sneaking is not to be tolerated ever again.
snowbal2200
Member
Sylver, I know you are very upset and I dont blame you. However, the grandmother is the one who is should be held responsible for the most part. Your daughter is wrong too but think about it, your daughter never went on her own to a beautician to get a perm. If that was the case, then I would say she is 100% wrong. But remember, your daughter is 17, she wants to have hair like your's (which is a good thing, wanting to be like mommy), and she wants to fit in with her other friends, whom I am sure have a relaxer in their hair. So at a moment of desperation, she requested that grandma help her. Grandma should have said, your mom is against it and I am not going to help you to disobey your mother. She could have offered to discuss it with you on her behalf but that was it. The grandmother sent the wrong message, which is whatever you want I will get it for you even if your parents are against it. When adults show children that the child has the power to successfully divide and conquer adults, it is downhill from there. It would probably be wise to speak with your daughter when you calm down and explain to her that you are not mad because she permed her hair because she would probably do it when she got older anyway if she still wanted one that badly, but express to her that you are hurt by the fact that she betrayed you by going behind your back so as to disobey you. Also, mention that what upsets you even more is that the trust you had in her has now been greatly comprimised and you are more disappointed and hurt more than anything.
When my parents laid those lines on me they had more of an effect and made me feel bad because I did not want to let them down. Needless to say, I never repeated the same thing again.
When my parents laid those lines on me they had more of an effect and made me feel bad because I did not want to let them down. Needless to say, I never repeated the same thing again.
naturalmanenyc
Well-Known Member
I can't agree that it's minor. She lied and did something she was strictly forbidden to do. She is not grown, yet.
JFemme
Well-Known Member
Im not going to be thankful for a 'at least she's not preganant'
as minor as this may be to u. Its not to me. I'm not going to leave it alone. I will calm down and we will all sit down and have a talk about this. The behind the back sneaking is not to be tolerated ever again.
Girl, I feel your pain....been there for sho..
Shes just tryin to assert her independence, incorrectly yes, but thats what up.
Take a moment, chillax, the ladies here are giving great advice...
Oh, the stories I could tell, lawd... My DD was OFF the chain
((Hugs, Chica))
SunnyDelight
Well-Known Member
AWWW - chica I'd be pissed too. As parents we have a hard time surpressing our feelings. In a few days, or a few weeks, she will read this thread (I'd show her how her sneakiness hurt me) and she will understand and feel bad. That is punishment enough.
Miss*Tress
Well-Known Member
I remember you mentioning this before so was horrified to see this thread! Your daughter will certainly have to learn to look after her hair now.
Having said that, I can't get too self-righteous. Many years ago my Mom forbade me from getting a second piercing in my ears. One day I was at the mall with my Dad and asked him to pay for the piercing which he did. He had no idea Mom had forbidden it and she was so angry with me. She did tell me to make sure I took care of the piercing otherwise my ears would get infected and rot off. LOL I still have both my ears and Mom has completely forgotten the incident.
Valerie
Well-Known Member
sylver2, the same thing happened to me, but at the time, my daughter was 13, I relaxed her hair twice and I allowed it to grow out, by the time she was thirteen, Ayodele had natural bra length hair, well my ex-husband relatives were furious that I didn't have her hair permed and my ex-husband took Ayodele to the hairdresser and she relaxed and cut her hair in a bob. So my ex husband was mad and expected us to have a row at the airport. I had to keep my temper, so I allowed her hair to grow out and I had to cut of her hair, because it started to break, the relaxer, used on her hair was very strong, so her hair was quite short, my ex-husband was furious, so I told him, that is the consequence of relaxing her hair and I told him, it will grow back. You have a right to be angry, the problem is that how many people, we see have natural hair in the public eye, if we look at the beauty magazines, everything is geared to relaxed hair. Give yourself time to cool down, and your daughter will have to look after her hair, when she realises that it is not as easy as it looks, she will learn. Grandmother was very wrong also, however it is that mentality that relaxed hair looks better than natural hair.
wannabelong
Well-Known Member
I agree and to quote my mother, "you are not grown until you start paying your own bills." Disobedience should not be tolerated from a 17 year old child that lives at home with her parents.
la mosca
New Member
ITA. While her actions were wrong, she is almost an adult and will need caring guidance as she takes increasing responsibility for her affairs.
snowbal2200
Member
Sylver I wanted to add that even though I know you are extremely upset, please dont sit back and let her completely mess her hair up. You need time to yourself to calm down and get your bearings. Remember, she is 17 and still very immature. What concerns me most is not even the fact that the grandmother was so wrong but that your daughter has now formed, what she thinks is, an alliance with her grandmother so that she can get whatever she wants. Having a talk with the grandmother is not really important right now because she knew what she was doing before she did it, this is why she cut out before you could address her. The main thing is to reach your daughter. Reach out to her and let her know that any and all respect that you have for her is in jeopardy of being lost because of your lack of trust in her ability to make the right decision when you are not around. She needs to understand that even if she does not agree with a decision you made, she needs to come to you and discuss her feelings on the matter but going behind your back to get what she wants will not be tolerated. I mean what is next, she tells her grandmother that she wants to become sexually active and that the grandmother must purchase birth control for her because she will have sex with or without it. Come on now, lines need to be drawn but right now you really need your daughter to see how she hurt you and why she was so wrong and how it could damage the relationship between the two of you in the long run. Right now, she just feels your pissed about the hair but this is definitely not the case. It is MUCH deeper than that. I really hope you can reach her because the message that the grandmother is sending to your daughter can prove to be detrimental to your daughter in the end.
Girl, I feel your pain....been there for sho..
Shes just tryin to assert her independence, incorrectly yes, but thats what up.
Take a moment, chillax, the ladies here are giving great advice...
Oh, the stories I could tell, lawd... My DD was OFF the chain
((Hugs, Chica))
the ladies are giving me wonderful advice and I thank you all so much for listening to me vent about this
. She is a wonderful person otherwise. gentle sweet spirit. People are always complimenting me on her. She was the only 1 left without a relaxer..but the only one who had long thick hair. sigh.. i understand in a way because i was the only 1 left without a relaxer in my school and was teased. I jus wished she hadn't gone bhind my back.
ClassicChic
Well-Known Member
Let the choir say, "Amen"!
truequeen06
Well-Known Member
I'd be very upset with your daughter AND the grandmother. Her grandmother knew you had strong feelings about this as well as your daughter. Your daughter just went to her grandmother because she knew her grandmother would do it for her. Plus having a trusted adult help her along with the process gives her an excuse. (Trust me, I'm 20, I've pulled this before . . . asking another adult when mom says no) I don't think its mean to make her deal with her hair on her own. She went against your final decision and was sneaky about it. She should have waited until she was 18 to make that decision.
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