Pissed!!!My DD grandma snuck a relaxer in her hair!!!!

[LadyEuphoria007]

Hi

Sorry you are having to deal with the feeling of losing trust. It sounds like you and her have a really close realationship. To put it from her POV she really just wants to look like you. You are beautiful and 10 times out of 10 she thinks highly of you. A lot of ladies gave great advice to you already but you already have it together anyway.

I'm glad you took the time to cool off before saying or doing things you or her would regret. The Granny is wrong, we all know that. Your daughter will soon see how different taking care of her hair is now and hopefully she'll come to you when she has questions.

I'm sorry the Granny took away that 1st relaxer experience because most of us can agree that we remember that first relaxer.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[SelahOco]

What's done is done, but she is your daughter. All this advice about letting her hair fall out and stuff just isn't on. Tho how she went about this wasn't good, neither is being angry enough to not help her take care of her hair.

Natural hair should be a choice, not imposed. Nor should you "punish" her by forcing her to lose her hair to make your point. Relaxed hair can be healthy and well groomed w/ the proper tools and knowledge. How many of y'all resent not having this knowledge? How much worse it it on have the knowledge and withhold it?

Frankly, many of the responses are petty and mean spirited. This is your daughter! If you
choose to not trust her over this and carry a grudge, you might permanently damage your relationship. Is natural hair worth the risk?

I see it differently. The relaxed hair is a choice IMO. It's a choice that a woman makes, or a child makes with her parent. Now she needs different product, may require costly vistis to the salon, a different time committment from her mother. The grandmother is not the one that will be treating this childs hair. That falls on the mom.

Then when the child is walking around with broken hair, people will blame her mom. "Don't make no sense...she got all that long hair and her child's hair is damaged." You know how they do.

The grandmother is disrespectful. And DH was wrong for not considering his DW's opinion. Clearly she knows a thing or two about hair (and keeping a youthful appearance while we're at it!). I'd be so pissed.

But at the same time, Mom is mad, and we all KNOW that in a couple days she'll be doing a deep condition and braid out for her baby . IMO she has every right to be furious.

 

[justNikki]

Your grandmother is definitely out of line. Why don't our parents and grandparents respect that we are now parents?! Goodness...if someone had done something like that to HER child against HER wishes...disrepectful.

 

[Puddles]

lol..thanks..i'm 35.

And you wear it well. You look fab for 35.


I feel for you and understand your anger.
I would be pissed at "All" of them........especially hubby and daughter.

Now.....is she going to pay for her own touchups? Are they going to pay for them? Most likely it's going to be "You" that pays for them. We as mothers always have to fix what others mess up.

People don't think about tomorrow. They just live in the moment. She doesn't realize that that 30 minutes of putting that on her hair.....can cause months maybe years of damage. Especially if it is not taken care of properly. The damage can be tremendous.

Now if you help her....she's blessed.
If you don't.....she's still blessed....but her hair is going to suffer.
Kids........why do they have to learn the hard way?

(((Hugs))) 4 You.

 

[Ladyhenri]

this is what i yelled to her. i said u sneaky enough to do this w/o my permission..fine. do what u want with your damn hair, no help from me i hope it breaks off and fall out. i feel bad..but sooo PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so so sorry to go OT on this serious subject but ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU have a 17 yr old Daughter?????????!!!!!!!!

 

[DDTexlaxed]

I think your daughter wants to test the boundaries a bit. Maybe peer pressure made her do this or maybe she wants to copy you by having hair that's long and relaxed. I agree you should make her take care of her relaxed hair. When you are calmed down, let her know that it hurt your feelings the way she went about it. I hope the situation works out to the both of you.

 

[lala]

Sorry to hear how your DD's dad & grandmom are demonstrating total disregard for your wishes and in front of your daughter. Your daughter is too young to understand the implications, but it sounds like the grandmom thinks she has power over your DD as well as her son.

OT, you don't look old enough to have a 17 yo, but you're obviously taking good care of your skin as well as your hair...

 

[Bosslady1]

It is just hair! sheesh! Not the end of the world. I understand the sneaky disrespect though. Not good.

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

Sylver2,

I hope you're feeling better today now that you've had a chance to sleep on it (hopefully).

 

[MizzBrown]

For those who keep saying that "it's just hair", what the hell are yall doing as members on a LONG HAIR CARE FORUM then?

We are here for a reason. We are all slightly obsessed with our hair and healthy hair care practices.

The same folks who are telling you to "get over it" will be the same ones starting a thread hoopin' and hollerin' about how they got into a hair mishap and need to vent.

A Black woman's hair is her pride, thus the creation of this Forum.

It IS a big deal to some degree. Not the end of the world but having to look at it in the mirror everyday can make it harder for some folks than others.

A BC is a right of passage. A virgin relaxer is a right of passage. I understand your plight SYLVER and i aint even got kids.

SMDH at the folks saying "its no biggie....its just hair"...If it was "just hair" then explain the reasoning behind having a fotki, hair blog, product stash from hell, postin' threads & pics about your hair.

 

[MizAvalon]

I'm so sorry this happened Sylver. You have every right to be furious at this blatant direspect.

Have you spoken to your daughter or her grandma yet?

 

[Undefeated Queen]

Your daughter's grandma and dad were disrespectful to go against your wishes.

to you.

 

[jennifermb]

For those who keep saying that "it's just hair", what the hell are yall doing as members on a LONG HAIR CARE FORUM then?

We are here for a reason. We are all slightly obsessed with our hair and healthy hair care practices.

The same folks who are telling you to "get over it" will be the same ones starting a thread hoopin' and hollerin' about how they got into a hair mishap and need to vent.

A Black woman's hair is her pride, thus the creation of this Forum.

It IS a big deal to some degree. Not the end of the world but having to look at it in the mirror everyday can make it harder for some folks than others.

A BC is a right of passage. A virgin relaxer is a right of passage. I understand your plight SYLVER and i aint even got kids.

SMDH at the folks saying "its no biggie....its just hair"...If it was "just hair" then explain the reasoning behind having a fotki, hair blog, product stash from hell, postin' threads & pics about your hair.

I think the "it's just hair" ladies are (hopefully) referring to healthy hair...whether it's relaxed/natural/short/long/dyed - hair is just hair. Now if it's broken and damaged, that's another story....

sylver, I hope your DD learns to take care of her hair so it's strong and healthy - relaxed or natural.

 

[Bosslady1]

....................

 

[jerjer29]

well me and your daughter are pretty much the same age, and at 17 i was still feeling pressure to fit in with others. And when you see everyone with a relaxer ,it kind of gets frustrating because you want to fit in, and when you're trying to conform a lot of times you don't understand how unique you are and how you have it good. When i got my hair colored behind my mom's back and it turned out horribly, she taught me a good lesson by not letting me dye it back to my original color. When she sees how much maintenance you have to go through to keep a relaxer she'll wish she had listened to you. I know most teens dont agree with me but there are A LOT of times i wish i would of listened to my mom..and now i finally do especially when it comes to hair because she's usually always right. She'll see how much it sucks to have a relaxer when you need a touch up like every 2 months, or when she see's all her hair shedding in the bathroom. This isn't to go against anyone with a relaxer though. I just understand where you're coming from, a relaxer doesn't mean her hair won't grow or fall out, but it's a commitment she doesn't yet understand or cares to understand. My mom told me over and over again that by dying my hair it'd eventually thin if i didn't take care of it..and OF COURSE, lol i did it anyway.

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

Girl I was the same way. My mom didn't allow me to color my hair when I was growing up. But I thought I was cute and grown- fresh outta HS and with a job- "my" money... lol and call myself trying to pull a blonde look a la Mary J Blige... WTH was I thinking- it came out some brassy $#@ orange color that I hated! I didn't understand why my hair was so dry, etc. I plan to be the same way with my daughter. She is only 8 but already she wants to have "yellow" hair as she calls it. I say no sireee, not until you're 18. That way if you damage your hair, it ain't on me. Of course, I will share tips/advice but I'd hate to be the one responsible for making her beautiful hair damaged. IF only I had listened to my mom!

well me and your daughter are pretty much the same age, and at 17 i was still feeling pressure to fit in with others. And when you see everyone with a relaxer ,it kind of gets frustrating because you want to fit in, and when you're trying to conform a lot of times you don't understand how unique you are and how you have it good. When i got my hair colored behind my mom's back and it turned out horribly, she taught me a good lesson by not letting me dye it back to my original color. When she sees how much maintenance you have to go through to keep a relaxer she'll wish she had listened to you. I know most teens dont agree with me but there are A LOT of times i wish i would of listened to my mom..and now i finally do especially when it comes to hair because she's usually always right. She'll see how much it sucks to have a relaxer when you need a touch up like every 2 months, or when she see's all her hair shedding in the bathroom. This isn't to go against anyone with a relaxer though. I just understand where you're coming from, a relaxer doesn't mean her hair won't grow or fall out, but it's a commitment she doesn't yet understand or cares to understand. My mom told me over and over again that by dying my hair it'd eventually thin if i didn't take care of it..and OF COURSE, lol i did it anyway.

 

[Lexxx]

I can feel your love and your emotion - the trust has been broken - plain and simple. Its not about natural versus permed hair.

Having a DD myself, I know how important having a first perm experience is - when you felt the time was right that was something that you should have been allowed to decide, not grandma. Although it may sounds petty to some women, I see the shared experience between a mother taking her daughter for her first perm as something really special and grandmom just took that away from you.

YES SYLVER2, I totally understand where you are coming from.

Wow!!!
That is pretty spot on,

I feel your pain sylver, I had exactly the same opinion with my daughter and relaxing her hair, I wasn't willing to consider doing it until she turned 16 and her hair practices improved.

If that decision had been taken out of my hands by any other member of my family, I probably would not be here typing this; I would be in jail right now!!!

You have a right to feel the way you do, that was really distrustful and sneaky, what your daughter did, but she is not to blame, she is still a child, it was the 'adult' you left her in the care off, who is to blame.

Me and my daughter have been through the wars, (she is now 22) over things she has done that have been sneaky and involving other so call 'adults' getting involved and making decision for my child that were not theirs to make. But we are still working our way though stuff. Raising a teenager/young lady aint easy

Its a very scary thing as a mother when you discover your own flesh and blood is capable of being deceitful, my advice, try not to take it personal

You are allow to be angry, be very very angry about what happen, and let sylver junior sweat in her room a little longer.

Then work through it, forgive her

 

[nicki6]

All I can say is...Wow!! Your daughter is BOLD. If I had done something like that, my mother's foot would have to have been surgically removed from my behind!

May I ask if this was your mom or your MIL that violated your trust/rule like this? Have you talked to her yet?

 

[seraphim712]

Hey Sylver,

I'm a bit late in finding this out. If this helps a little, another member on the forum experienced the same thing many months ago. She posted about it twice, so I'll put them here and see if you can receive any guidance from them. I know you will pull through this.

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?p=4955973&posted=1#post4955973

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=252707

 

[gradygirl]

.....................

 

[Prettyeyes]

Hey Sylver, I think creating this post was a great way to vent and think. Let us know how it turns out. Also, are you going to call your MIL?

 

[Lexib]

What's done is done, but she is your daughter. All this advice about letting her hair fall out and stuff just isn't on. Tho how she went about this wasn't good, neither is being angry enough to not help her take care of her hair.

Natural hair should be a choice, not imposed. Nor should you "punish" her by forcing her to lose her hair to make your point. Relaxed hair can be healthy and well groomed w/ the proper tools and knowledge. How many of y'all resent not having this knowledge? How much worse it it on have the knowledge and withhold it?

Frankly, many of the responses are petty and mean spirited. This is your daughter! If you
choose to not trust her over this and carry a grudge, you might permanently damage your relationship. Is natural hair worth the risk?

I couldn't agree more with this entire post. especially the bolded. I understand making your child hold off on relaxing her hair until a certain age, particularly an age when she can understand what a relaxer actually is and is mature enough to take care of it. But when the "child" is 17...still wanting to control what she does to her hair seems a little harsh. The sneakiness was wrong without a doubt. But now that it's done, a little, then show her how to take care of it.

 

[cmw45]

Sorry to hear that. Yep, I'd be pissed too. Why is it the family members often feel entitled to overrule over decisions as parents? If I were you, I would not contribute AT ALL to the upkeep of that perm, and let your daughter deal with it. She'll find out soon enough how damaging a relaxer can be.

While I can definitely understand the impulse to do this, I would hate to see another damaged head of hair runnig around...providing fuel to the fire that we can't have nice hair. Especially when she has a mother with such gorgeous hair. I mean this is SERIOUSLY her bad but maybe she wanted to be like her gorgeous ma'?

Anyway, I think you should make sure that she is responsible for the financial upkeep...but that you should teach her EXCATLY what it means to have nice relaxed hair. That means paying for her own products and her touch ups if she plans to get them at the salon.

 

[Tamrin]

Sylver, Im so sorry that happened. All the parties involved were wrong and should be delt with accordingly.

I can never grasp the concept of why people with damaged dry hair are always the first ones to tell you what to do with your child's hair or your hair. It takes nerve to make a decision for someone else when its comes to their child when it was not solicited. Her first relaxer should have been a mother daughter experience.

DD needs to be taught a lesson and you need to have a stern talk with the father and specially the grandmother.

I hope you calm down, it will be ok. You have great hair habits and hopefully she picked up some things from you. But for now let her see how hard it is.

 

[caribgirl]

Grandmothers feel like they have the right to do whatever they want; however, your dd is not a baby and she could have refused the relaxer. Obviously, she wanted it and was very disrespectful and deceptive which would make me boil over too!

I agree with the other ladies. Let her deal with her hair- Do NOT assist her in her haircare and let her learn to deal with the new texture. Either it will fall out or she would get smart, join, lhcf, and care for her hair!'

So sorry that you have to deal with this Sylv!

 

[blazingthru]

i know..but if shes sneaky about this...this makes me not trust her in everything else

This is my biggest or was my biggest concern with my daughter when they get in their teenage years trust is a major factor. I agree with you on this one. Both of them was aware of your feelings, your daugher more so because I am sure you explained to her why? Whether it was on purpose on at the moment decision, she knew you wouldn't agree to it and decided what's done is done. Nothing you can do about it. In my mind I would always wonder what else she is doing out there that I don't know about. Then too my feelings would be really hurt because I worked hard to get your hair in the condition it is in for your benefit. Then you slap me in the face and let me know you know what is better for you, while only being here for almost 17 years. What!!!

I can't give you any real advice. I have no ideal why she would do that maybe this was a one time thing. teenager do rebell, Mines did and I pulled the guilt card how can you do this to your mother and that was it for my daughter but we were very close and she hated to make me mad or sad about her. So she avoided doing things that would cause that. Not that she hasn't embarrased me a few times. but thats another story for another time, I would let her deal with her hair and not do anything until she gets desperate and then yeah I would remind her that I tried to help her avoid all of this mess. Yes I would each time I do her hair.

 

[Country gal]

i am so upset. At my daughter, her grandmother and her father. She went to visit for the week and came back with a damn relaxer. this battle between us and her grandma has been goin on for years. she been wanting to slap a relaxer in her hair since she was 6 yrs old. I am pissed!!! her father is not even mad becuse he said well she is almost 17.. how long were u going to wait.?
That is not the point!! It was not her right to touch her hair. Our daughter knew what she was doin.. being sneaky about it not callin to say anything. I am Pissed!!!! not talkin to any of them. then we couldn't even say anything to the grandma cause she hurried her no hair having butt on her flight back home so we never saw her.

PISSSSSSSSED!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to hear that. I know how much TLC you gave her hair.

 

[Country gal]

the ladies are giving me wonderful advice and I thank you all so much for listening to me vent about this. She is a wonderful person otherwise. gentle sweet spirit. People are always complimenting me on her. She was the only 1 left without a relaxer..but the only one who had long thick hair. sigh.. i understand in a way because i was the only 1 left without a relaxer in my school and was teased. I just wished she hadn't gone behind my back.

She is a sweet girl. She probably wanted a perm because everyone else has it. I tried to get my little cousins to hold out but they bit the bullet in middle school and got perms. You even had girls wearing hair extenstions and weaves in school now. Peer pressure can be a lot for kids. I would give her some tips and make her do her own hair.

 

[Divine_Order]

The same thing happened to me (except I was on the other end of things). I had come to visit my granny for the summer when I was 6. A couple of weeks into the visit, my mother came in town and realized that her daughter that once had lovely natural hair...now sported a greasy jheri curl! She was so heated at my granny. If I can remember correctly...my hair did suffer. It's one thing to have a curl...but mine wasn't even professionally done (not...gonna....elaborate).

I just hope your baby girl has been paying attention to your reggie....it will defintely come in handy!

 

[naijamerican]

Sylver, I'm sorry to say that I haven't read this entire thread except for the first few posts. I don't know what's come of the situation but I am sorry to hear that your mother-in-law and daughter did such a thing. That is truly disrespectful and deceitful. I wish you and your daughter much luck!