Pissed!!!My DD grandma snuck a relaxer in her hair!!!!

[VioletWylde]

I can feel your love and your emotion - the trust has been broken - plain and simple. Its not about natural versus permed hair.

Having a DD myself, I know how important having a first perm experience is - when you felt the time was right that was something that you should have been allowed to decide, not grandma. Although it may sounds petty to some women, I see the shared experience between a mother taking her daughter for her first perm as something really special and grandmom just took that away from you.

YES SYLVER2, I totally understand where you are coming from.

Oh wow, that makes so much sense, it IS really a right of passage. I didn't even think about that. Awww I'm sorry Sylver!

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Sorry this happened to you!! Your opinion should have mattered, and they were wrong for going behind your back. Situations like this can put a strain on the relationship of a family.

 

[lisana]

yes the daughter is wrong but it seems like she had the blessing of DAD and Grandma so really, they are the main problem, but you can't make them feel guilty and I doubt if they care that much about your loss of trust, so be careful the daughter isn't taking an unfair portion of the heat because deep down you really want the dad and grandma to care that they hurt you but they just don't care enough. Yes she did wrong, but if you are saying she is still a child and your rules should have been obeyed, that's also saying that she is not as mature as an adult and while she deserves to face some consequences she should not be put in a position where she feels like your trust can not be regained or that you are hoping her hair is less than what it can be.

 

[PuffyBrown]

i wish people would understand it has nothing to do with me forcin her to have natural hair. not sure of the 1STAR rating????please explain that..
She is extremely lazy with her hair practices. I am always on her about her hair. if she can't even handle putting her scarf on before bed then she is certainly not ready for a chemical put in her hair. so what.if she is 16. The compromise was to let me see how well she handled her hair in 2008 and then we may.
She went behind my back, the trust was broken. I got angry and VENTED in this thread. of course im goin to say crazy stuff..of course i don't want her to lose her darn hair.. y would i be so angry... but i kno whn I calm down and approach her it will be different and with rational thoughts.
Thank you Ladies

I totally understand! Vent On!
That hurts! Somebody in your own family playing tug-of-war with you with your own child makes you feel completely powerless and it should not be that way between mother and daughter. I can understand the hubbys position, they don’t get it sometimes. Even though you are PIOSSED at him right now….…Men…(that’s all I can say about dat)….yo man girl, yo man. You’ll get through it…just vent, that’s what venting is for and you know that we are right here to vent with you and support you for whatever decision that you make about your child regardless of what is said in this thread. That is your family.
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[napgurl]

thank you!! i also have a thing about children disobeying their parents. its not tolerated.
i will not punish her...She will get a stern talking..yelling at.. then talking to again..but she will be punished enough knowing that trust is gone now and she has to start earning that back.

Sylver it seem to me that your husand might have had a hand in this. Maybe he thought is was time. She's probably going into her senior year, and next to grade, her appearence is so very important to her. So she want to be a woman and make women decisions then it's time for her to step up and take responsibility for maintaining her perm. You are a great role model for her, so she has very little excuses. Training her and making her take care of her hair now that she has a perm is good punishment. If she starts to complain about treating her hair, the time it takes to rollerset etc . . . just remind her that it was her idea to get a perm, now she has to take the responsibility to maintain it. As the other said, she is probably a very good girl, but maybe she was getting teased for not having a hip hair style . . . high school is so hard. Train her now before she goes away to college on what it take to maintain relaxed hair.

 

[SoSweet08]

I can feel your love and your emotion - the trust has been broken - plain and simple. Its not about natural versus permed hair.

Having a DD myself, I know how important having a first perm experience is - when you felt the time was right that was something that you should have been allowed to decide, not grandma. Although it may sounds petty to some women, I see the shared experience between a mother taking her daughter for her first perm as something really special and grandmom just took that away from you.

YES SYLVER2, I totally understand where you are coming from.

Yup you made a very good point. And it is messed up for them to go behind her back to do that. And the Grandma knew she was wrong because she was off that in a hurry. Sylver to me, you do have a reason to be PISSED.

 

[sylver2]

nah.. her father didn't know anything about this. He was very upset as well...its something we both felt strongly about and she knew this. He did not find out until when he went to pick her up to bring her home.
He argued but just seemed defeated and just said oh well its just hair.

 

[sylver2]

Thank you soo much ladies for your advice, support and ears. Ive been on the board for years and never really post much especially about my personal life. I almost regretted starting this thread.. but not anymore. You ladies are wonderful!!
I will let you know how our talk went and want her to be able to talk to us first about things. May start a fokti for her now.

 

[Guapa1]

Aww, sounds like you're starting to calm down a little now. Give it a couple more days before you talk to her. Maybe talk it out with your husband first so you know how to go forward as a united front.

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

WEll here I am late.. and it seems you have calmed down. But I was mad as I read thru this entire thread . That really sucks. And I agree with a lot of the ladies that previoulsy posted. She is 17 and if she has a job/allowance, I think she should have to pay for her own products. Maybe once she sees how much maintenance it requires for relaxed hair, she will realize that you knew what you were doing. It's bad that she went over your head and behind your back- she knew you would say no, so she went to grandma. It's also wrong that grandma did that- she totally went against your wishes for YOUR child- trust me, I've had issues with that with both of my children.

The good thing is you have been on these boards for quite a while and you know enough (seeing your lovely hair is proof) to help keep her hair healthy. But I think she should take resposibility for it.

take care.

 

[Tee]

Slyver I am pissed with you. That was total disrespect. Yes, baby girl is smart to stay in her room right now! Even grandmom knew to get the hell out of dodge. She KNEW she was wrong!

 

[plzgrow]

Wow that is crazy. That is total disappointment and disrespect.

 

[~*Tigget*~]

Im not going to be thankful for a 'at least she's not preganant' c'mon now.

as minor as this may be to u. Its not to me. I'm not going to leave it alone. I will calm down and we will all sit down and have a talk about this. The behind the back sneaking is not to be tolerated ever again.

Thats exactly it. As a parent you have to be ready to shape and mold your children at all levels. Sure there is worse things, however the root of it is .....kids disobeying and going beyond parents better judgement.

I don't expect you to neglect her because she made this choice. But nonetheless a lesson must be taught. Give her a period where she must care for it, and if she does good, then thats great. If she has a setback then so be it.

I think too many people spend too much time measuring the crime instead of focusing on the problem. Disobedience is wrong at any level. Just like crime.

Murder compared to theft, lying compared to speeding, all can get you in trouble. There is sometimes stiffer punishment based on the degree of the crime, but when you break the law it is consequences that will follow when you get caught. "Saying i only stole it cause you wouldn't buy it for me" is no excuse. When it comes to you going before the judge he won't have that view....well you could have did worse like murder someone, its not the end of the world.

Be a good parent at all levels. Teach her through all situations, so the minor ones don't turn into major ones.

 

[Christa438]

Im in my 20s so I still remember my almost 18 stage very well. I agree she was wrong, but how many of us have never broken a rule or betrayed trust-- nobody's perfect, we all stumble, and most of us have felt that we needed to find our own way at one point or another. Your dd probably thinks that she's well-informed by now and just wants to express herself (not just with a new pair of shoes and a new outfit lol but also with her hair.) Life is about growing and we all know you grow through experience--good and bad. I look at it like she'll gain wisdom and understanding from this.
I believe in tough love, respect and discipline but I also believe in compassion. It would touch my heart if you would find it in yours Not to let her look a ham from not knowing what to do with her relaxed hair. please help her pretty please with sprinkles on top. I am laughing @ grandma fleeing the storm. She has obviously heard the saying "Do not pass go. Do not collect $200." I guess she felt there was no reason for all of them to go down. I used to have my grandma wrapped around my little finger too.

(((hugs))) it will be alright

 

[loveable37]

She at the age now !!!!she saying i am almost grown in order for her to feel grown she gotta start makin bad choices,and puttin a relaxer in her hair not the end of the world its the principle of it,and how she did it .

THE SAME THING MAKE US LAUGH,GONNA MAKE US CRY !!!!
SMILE IS A FROWN TURNED UPSIDE DOWN

Bottomline she see u with a relaxer ur hair looks good to her and she want hair like urs cause u are here mom(in her mind)she sayin why i cant have one like me mom/friends she gonna need TLC products cost money these days i know how u feel.

 

[Duff]

Sorry to hear that. Yep, I'd be pissed too. Why is it the family members often feel entitled to overrule over decisions as parents? If I were you, I would not contribute AT ALL to the upkeep of that perm, and let your daughter deal with it. She'll find out soon enough how damaging a relaxer can be.

oh my goodness, you read my mind!!!!

 

[loveable37]

MY NAME IS KAREN 38 YRS OLD
MY 3 SONS AGES

20 YRS 6 FT 2 INCHES (WEIGHT )250 HE LOST WEIGHT

17 YRS 5 FT 7 INCHES (WEIGHT)120 NEED GAIN SOME

18YRS 6 FT 0 INCHES (WEIGHT)450 ETC NEED LOST WEIGHT

I KICK BUTT ALL THE TIME WITH A HARD STRUGGLE .

 

[BostonMaria]

As soon as she comes to you asking questions about caring for it, I would tell her to call and ask her grandma. If she has an allowance make her pay for her own products etc. Let her find out the hard way what being sneaky will get you. Darn that is messed up. Q

I agree! Let her get a job and pay for her own touch ups, products, rollers, flatiron, conditioners, etc....

She's a grown child and should know better. She obviously fell into the peer pressure and grandma didn't help. I would call that woman and say a few things to her, not in a disrespectful way but tell her she had no right to do something so sneaky without your consent.

My daughter is almost 19 now and and at one point had waist length 3B hair. Now she has done everything under the sun to her hair from cutting it without my permission, dying it blonde then black in the same week, letting her friends trim it.... now she's finally going back to protective styles and taking better care of her hair. I'm sure your daughter will come around eventually. If she wants a relaxer, hey let her have one. She's either going to take care of her relaxed hair and have it beautiful... or its gonna fall off. Either way I would just sit back and see what happens. Oh and btw your hair is GORGEOUS and I can't believe you're 35! I think you should show us your license cuz I don't believe you LOL j/k

 

[MrsQueeny]

Disobedience is one thing, but remember there's a whole lifetime ahead. Let me tell you guys something, if my mother treated me in the manner some of you proposing and something bad happened to me....I'd NEVER speak to her again. Why? Hiding the hair products, refusing to give advices, etc (all things proposed) is vindictive. Just like a minor still under your roof should obey you, the minor is still your responsibility until they leave it. To allow her hair to fall out or whatever when you have the tools to do otherwise is neglectful and vengeful.

If you can't trust her for lying, exactly how is allowing harm to come to her trustworthy on your part?

Again, if my mother had done this to me, I'd never speak to her again for any reason.

To me, this is forcing her to take full responsibility. She wanted a relaxer so go ahead and find out how it will be to care for it. Like I said, she can call and ask her grandmother. Now after a few months of her struggling, I will step in and help her but right now, this is a learning lesson for her. There are rules in life period. If you don't follow them, trust there will be consequences. I would rather her learn now than later. The only harm she will suffer is the stress of trying to care for her own hair. Syl is not putting her out on the street or telling her to get a job and buy her own products. She will think the next time she chooses to cross her mother. This is coming from someone who has 3 daughters and I would do the same. If they chose not to speak with me EVER, then that's all on them. After all we do, you wanna get mad because you did something wrong?!! Alright, okay. Just make sure you don't burn your bridges before you cross over them. Q

 

[PuffyBrown]

That is exactly it. It is the consequences that must be learned. That is something that all adolescents need to learn. When you do anything in life there is ALWAYS a consequence. Consequences are measured. There is a positive and a negative to everything in life. You are right on.

Thats exactly it. As a parent you have to be ready to shape and mold your children at all levels. Sure there is worse things, however the root of it is .....kids disobeying and going beyond parents better judgement.

I don't expect you to neglect her because she made this choice. But nonetheless a lesson must be taught. Give her a period where she must care for it, and if she does good, then thats great. If she has a setback then so be it.

I think too many people spend too much time measuring the crime instead of focusing on the problem. Disobedience is wrong at any level. Just like crime.

Murder compared to theft, lying compared to speeding, all can get you in trouble. There is sometimes stiffer punishment based on the degree of the crime, but when you break the law it is consequences that will follow when you get caught. "Saying i only stole it cause you wouldn't buy it for me" is no excuse. When it comes to you going before the judge he won't have that view....well you could have did worse like murder someone, its not the end of the world.

Be a good parent at all levels. Teach her through all situations, so the minor ones don't turn into major ones.

 

[senimoni]

The GM is definitely wrong. I'm not that surprised at the daughter..but she is wrong as well especially how she went behind your back....(edited...question answered)

Oh and let me join the ranks of those thinking you couldn't possibly have a 17 year old daughter. I didn't even realize you had children, let alone almost grown.

 

[carameldiva]

Sylver2,

I totally understand and I am so sorry that this happened to you. It kind of reminds me of the time my dad's mom decided to put a jerri curl and my and my middle sis's hair. Let's just say that it was not a good look and we had to grow it out. I know that you will teach your daughter how to care for her hair properly and maybe, just maybe , she will be willing to transition back to natural. HTH

 

[lilamae]

hey lady,

I feel your pain. You definately should have been consulted and nothing should have been done without your permission. But what I truly think lies beneath the surface is your daughters admiration of her mothers hair and perhaps her perception of how easier maitenance will be now that she is relaxed. Truth is.. if I were your daughter, I would be tryin everything mama is doing to get beautiful hair like yours. She has watched what you done over the years and whether she admits it or not, she is inspired just like we all are.

So dont be too mad for too long. After she gets off punishment...give her the tips to Make her Sylver3

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

Girl you are the mother and you honestly don't have to explain anything about decisions you make about your child to anybody. Your child your choice. I agree with your reasons. It may not be along the same lines but this is exactly why I haven't allowed my 8 yr old daughter to have her ears pierced yet. She just don't know how to act. Why risk getting an infection just for style? My mom doesn't agree, and possibly not my MIL either. But this is my daughter and I decide. That is your daughter and you decide!!!!

I am still lazy with my hair... you shoulda seen me when I was relaxed. I wish my mom had done the same thing with me you did and made me wait; she took care of my hair until late in HS. AT least my mom did stretch my relaxers back then. I was getting them every 3 mos not every 4-5 weeks like I used to do it myself (I eventuallly moved to 6-8 weeks but I was relaxing my entire head, but digress ). Maybe you can try that with your daughter. I say just make her really learn. She will see... mama does know best.

i wish people would understand it has nothing to do with me forcin her to have natural hair. not sure of the 1STAR rating????please explain that..
She is extremely lazy with her hair practices. I am always on her about her hair. if she can't even handle putting her scarf on before bed then she is certainly not ready for a chemical put in her hair. so what.if she is 16. The compromise was to let me see how well she handled her hair in 2008 and then we may.
She went behind my back, the trust was broken. I got angry and VENTED in this thread. of course im goin to say crazy stuff..of course i don't want her to lose her darn hair.. y would i be so angry... but i kno whn I calm down and approach her it will be different and with rational thoughts.
Thank you Ladies

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

I soooooo agree with the bolded! Perfectly worded!

Thats exactly it. As a parent you have to be ready to shape and mold your children at all levels. Sure there is worse things, however the root of it is .....kids disobeying and going beyond parents better judgement.

I don't expect you to neglect her because she made this choice. But nonetheless a lesson must be taught. Give her a period where she must care for it, and if she does good, then thats great. If she has a setback then so be it.

I think too many people spend too much time measuring the crime instead of focusing on the problem. Disobedience is wrong at any level. Just like crime.

Murder compared to theft, lying compared to speeding, all can get you in trouble. There is sometimes stiffer punishment based on the degree of the crime, but when you break the law it is consequences that will follow when you get caught. "Saying i only stole it cause you wouldn't buy it for me" is no excuse. When it comes to you going before the judge he won't have that view....well you could have did worse like murder someone, its not the end of the world.

Be a good parent at all levels. Teach her through all situations, so the minor ones don't turn into major ones.

 

[Menina Preta]

Sorry to hear that. Yep, I'd be pissed too. Why is it the family members often feel entitled to overrule over decisions as parents? If I were you, I would not contribute AT ALL to the upkeep of that perm, and let your daughter deal with it. She'll find out soon enough how damaging a relaxer can be.

I agree. Don't pay for her touch-ups or any fancy treatments. If I were you, I'd even lock up my 'good' products so she couldn't use them (I mean, for at least a month and a half...you gotta forgive her eventually...).

 

[Crystal]

Grandma was wrong. But daughter is 17 and acting out like most 17 year olds.. me and my mom used to go rounds about my hair, but I eventually wore her down and yes, suffered the consequences but that's life.

I'm natural but I don't think relaxing is necessarily bad. Her relaxed hair is probably beautiful. I've seen some beautiful and well kept relaxed heads and she has the luxury of learning from you. I didn't properly learn to take care of my hair until I joined this board. So I'd teach her now before she goes to college next year....lol thinking of the things we used to do to our hair in them college dorms...we were so clueless. All that dying and heat and chemicals...umph.

 

[Jetblackhair]

Sylver2, I just wanted to give you my support. I'm sorry this happened and I honestly don't know what I would do in this situation. I know I wouldn't he happy with all of the participants, dd, grandmother.

How is dd going to get her touch-ups and such?

OT: I can't believe you have a 17 year old, you are so youthful looking.

 

[edenhere]

Sylver2 please don't do that. First off, the fact that you have a sixteen year old kid is amazing. You look fantastic.

Second, she needs you and your knowledge. What she did was messed up, but I think we all know how painful it can be especially at her age if her hair starts breaking and falling out. She needs your knowledge and know-how. You have every right to be angry, but don't deny her the benefit of what you know. Can you imagine her in high school and even going into college and her hair is breaking off? It's hard for girls to recover from that. Now more than ever you can teach her how to work with a relaxer and actually this experience could bring you closer together because of all you know.

 

[lovinglength]

Very disrespectful on the Dad and Grandmas part. They had no consideration over your feelings regarding the situation. Normal rebellious behavior on the teenagers part. She really wanted a relaxer, you said no, so she went and got what she wanted anyway. She is still a teen, but she does need to make her own mistakes, and one day she may realize what she did was wrong and damaging, and there was a reason you were protecting her from the chemicals. It wont be until then that she learns her lesson and really appreciates your protectiveness.