Rock head husband and his lack of support! (RANT)

[Caramela]

My husband is not supporting me at all with my quest to go natural. He told me last night that natural hair is UGLY! And that he doesn't like it! I told him that he hasn't seen my natural hair and he said, "Caramela, your hair texture can't be thaaat unique" and "You've shown me the pictures on that haircare thing of the ladies with natural hair and I don't like that".... I want to cry . And smack him . He is getting on my entire nervous system (way worse than getting on my nerves.)
I'm not getting too much support but I'm still going to continue with my plan to wait until June to decide if I want to continue transitioning or if I want to just relax it.

 

[dlewis]

Maybe he'll come around.

I remember my husband telling me how nappy my hair was and that I must not have left the relaxer in long enough.erplexed

 

[Tallone]

he said, "Caramela, your hair texture can't be thaaat unique" and "You've shown me the pictures on that haircare thing of the ladies with natural hair and I don't like that

OUCH! I could have done without hearing that

 

[LunadeMiel]

.... maybe he'll come around. Try showing him some beautiful natural heads on this site. Does he prefer straight hair or just a specific texture?..?

 

[Candycane044]

Caramela, I'm sorry to hear about this. I had this same problem with my s/o which in turn resulted in me HIDING my natural hair for a long time. I was so scared he wouldn't like my hair because he also hates natural hair. Finally about a few weeks ago, I gained some self-esteem and I started rocking my natural hair. He's not totally in love with it, but he does like it. He even plays in it!!! I think if you can rock the styles and make them work he'll get over it.

As someone said in another thread, I think men just love healthy hair no matter what texture it is. I'm sure he'll come to like it eventually.

 

[Candycane044]

I forgot to add.. If you don't get the support from him, you always have your girls at LHCF!!

 

[Caramela]

OUCH! I could have done without hearing that

Sorry. That's his opinion. Not mine.

 

[graCeful_89]

I forgot to add.. If you don't get the support from him, you always have your girls at LHCF!!

YEP! thats right!

 

[PaperClip]

STOP showing him other natural heads! If you wanted to change your breast size, would you show him other breasts? Hopefully not.

I don't know how you sprung the transition to natural process on him but I encourage you to be patient with him and share INFORMATION with him about the physical and mental/emotional aspects of your choice.

I don't think he thinks natural hair is inherently ugly. He's a product of his environment. Look at the other women in his family, e.g., mothers, sisters. Are they all relaxed? That's all he knows.

I know you're ranting and this is the place to do it. Now redirect the ranting to STRATEGY.

--wear styles that will get him used to seeing you with textured hair, e.g., wigs, half-wigs, weaves, etc.

--is he scared about the length and/or texture? Then you may have to avoid the big chop.

--share with him the "dangers" of prolonged/frequent use of chemical straighteners

Hopefully others have suggestions....

It's going to be ok.

 

[Caramela]

.... maybe he'll come around. Try showing him some beautiful natural heads on this site. Does he prefer straight hair or just a specific texture?..?

He likes when I wear my hair in relaxed styles, wether that's curly or straight or wavy, whatever. He just likes the relaxed look better I guess.
He doesn't like any natural texture. I've shown him a lot. From looser curls, to tighter ones, to the nappiest of nappy. But he doesn't like any of them. It's important to me to be attractive to him, because when I tell him I don't like something about his appearance, he would change it.
He is just getting on my nerves because this is something I want to do. And him being against it makes me want to do it that much more. If he supported me, I might not even want to do it as much, for real

 

[Caramela]

I forgot to add.. If you don't get the support from him, you always have your girls at LHCF!!

Awww, thanks!!!

 

[Nola Darling]

Sounds like an identity issue than a preference issue. Maybe you should try to get him to be more confident about his self and who he is as a person.

I'm assuming that you BOTH have kinky hair, right?

My SO said he wasn't feeling the natural hair at first when he met me but now when I wear it straight he says he doesn't like it as much. He says....what did you do to the poof?? and practically smoothers me when he sees my hair back natural again.

So I would just ease him into the natural look. Don't do a big chop and press the roots until you get the length you want. Another thing....he married you so I'm sure he will think you are hot no matter what is on your head.

 

[LynnieB]

Just like women, most men can't relate to the natural hair thing. Most have been brought up around women like their mothers, sisters, aunts who either burnt their hair straight or used relaxers it's not their fault really since that was the most common way black women wear their hair.

i will say this though - when my husband realized i was going natural he was more concerned with the possibility of have short and nappy hair moreso than long and nappy hair. Going natural to him meant an automatic 'fro (there's nothing wrong with a twa mind you, he's just never once seen me with short hair and he couldn't handle the thought and neither could i to be honest).

my husband is amazed at what my hair does, like he can't figure it out

sometimes you have to re-educate them just like many of us have had to re-educate ourselves.

he still doesn't like the very shrunken styles but loves the styles that show out the length.

if going natural is what you really and truly want to do for yourself, continue. what's the worse thing he is going to do; leave you? and if that's the case, you wouldn't really want someone that superficial in your life anyway..........(i'm just being for real here).

he'll come around

 

[LunadeMiel]

He likes when I wear my hair in relaxed styles, wether that's curly or straight or wavy, whatever. He just likes the relaxed look better I guess.
He doesn't like any natural texture. I've shown him a lot. From looser curls, to tighter ones, to the nappiest of nappy. But he doesn't like any of them. It's important to me to be attractive to him, because when I tell him I don't like something about his appearance, he would change it.
He is just getting on my nerves because this is something I want to do. And him being against it makes me want to do it that much more. If he supported me, I might not even want to do it as much, for real

I understand.... My SO and everyone else in my family as deadset against me going natural. It definitely brought my self esteem down a bit. Like Missfadu said, just ease him into the transition (assuming it's something that you still want to do). You can wait until you've gained a lot of natural length so that you can switch up the styles for him once in a while. Whatever you decide you know we'll support you (((HUGS)))

 

[LunadeMiel]

STOP showing him other natural heads! If you wanted to change your breast size, would you show him other breasts? Hopefully not.

I don't know how you sprung the transition to natural process on him but I encourage you to be patient with him and share INFORMATION with him about the physical and mental/emotional aspects of your choice.

I don't think he thinks natural hair is inherently ugly. He's a product of his environment. Look at the other women in his family, e.g., mothers, sisters. Are they all relaxed? That's all he knows.

I know you're ranting and this is the place to do it. Now redirect the ranting to STRATEGY.

--wear styles that will get him used to seeing you with textured hair, e.g., wigs, half-wigs, weaves, etc.

--is he scared about the length and/or texture? Then you may have to avoid the big chop.

--share with him the "dangers" of prolonged/frequent use of chemical straighteners

Hopefully others have suggestions....

It's going to be ok.

This is great advice....

 

[Caramela]

Thanks Relaxer Rehab! That's solid advice. I think he is scared that I will don a short bush... but I told him that I would just grow a little and cut a little. He isn't trying to hear it though. To him, natural = nappy= kunta kinte
I don't know. He is getting on my nerves with this backwards thinking. And he's like why am I trying to change his mind, I asked for his opinion (which I did) and he is telling me that he honestly doesn't like it.

 

[graCeful_89]

Just like women, most men can't relate to the natural hair thing. Most have been brought up around women like their mothers, sisters, aunts who either burnt their hair straight or used relaxers it's not their fault really since that was the most common way black women wear their hair.

i will say this though - when my husband realized i was going natural he was more concerned with the possibility of have short and nappy hair moreso than long and nappy hair. Going natural to him meant an automatic 'fro (there's nothing wrong with a twa mind you, he's just never once seen me with short hair and he couldn't handle the thought and neither could i to be honest).

my husband is amazed at what my hair does, like he can't figure it out

sometimes you have to re-educate them just like many of us have had to re-educate ourselves.

he still doesn't like the very shrunken styles but loves the styles that show out the length.

if going natural is what you really and truly want to do for yourself, continue. what's the worse thing he is going to do; leave you? and if that's the case, you wouldn't really want someone that superficial in your life anyway..........(i'm just being for real here).

he'll come around

ITA with you

 

[PeggyFair]

This is confusing to me. Is your husband Black or another race? If he is Black, does he not have "natural" hair? And if so, would that mean that his hair is ugly?? Help me out here with my confusion? lol

 

[Nice & Wavy]

I can understand how you feel. When I first did the BC, dh was like, but I knew that eventually he will see it the way I envisioned my hair to be.

Now that its been almost 2 years, he loves it curly and he loves it straight. I showed him that there are other options than just straight hair and once I was able to show him that, he understood.

I don't think he has identity issues, as one poster put it...he is a man, and like most men, they love long hair on their woman...there is nothing wrong with that at all.

I think the best thing for you, and to keep the peace in your home, would be to have a longggggggggggggggg transistion without the BC. That way you can still keep your length and create styles that would allow him to see you in a different light.

All the best to you and to your husband!

 

[PeggyFair]

TTo him, natural = nappy= kunta kinte

I don't know about Kunta Kinte, but yes, natural does mean not straight, which would I guess mean nappy if it aint combed? I just don't get how a Black man(IF he is Black) could have a problem with the type of hair he himself sports everyday.

 

[Caramela]

This is confusing to me. Is your husband Black or another race? If he is Black, does he not have "natural" hair? And if so, would that mean that his hair is ugly?? Help me out here with my confusion? lol

He is Black. His hair is natural but it's cut so low it's almost bald. And he is talking about his preference for his wife's hair, not his own.

 

[PeggyFair]

He is Black. His hair is natural but it's cut so low it's almost bald. And he is talking about his preference for his wife's hair, not his own.

I understand he is talking about your hair, but your hair's texture is like his, no?

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Thanks Relaxer Rehab! That's solid advice. I think he is scared that I will don a short bush... but I told him that I would just grow a little and cut a little. He isn't trying to hear it though. To him, natural = nappy= kunta kinte
I don't know. He is getting on my nerves with this backwards thinking. And he's like why am I trying to change his mind, I asked for his opinion (which I did) and he is telling me that he honestly doesn't like it.

Hey, your husband is the love of your life....he just wants to know that his wife is still going to look like the woman that he is attracted to everyday. We expect our husbands to love us "any-ole-way" we want to look, but that is not the case. Most men aren't visionaries when it comes to their wives looks. They like what they have...right now! Change is not so good for them I know my husband loves me to wear certain things and to wear my hair in a certain way, it drives him nuts when I do.

My advice: Don't talk to him too much about it. Give him some breathing room and let him see for himself how sexy you can be with natural hair. Telling him you are going to cut it is a no-no. They don't want to hear that...I know, that's why I just cut it without telling him and then what could he do then...but, please know that is NOT what I'm suggesting for you to do, ok??? I don't want your dh to come up in here looking for me....

Blessings!

 

[PaperClip]

Thanks Relaxer Rehab! That's solid advice. I think he is scared that I will don a short bush... but I told him that I would just grow a little and cut a little. He isn't trying to hear it though. To him, natural = nappy= kunta kinte
I don't know. He is getting on my nerves with this backwards thinking. And he's like why am I trying to change his mind, I asked for his opinion (which I did) and he is telling me that he honestly doesn't like it.

It's good that you talked to him about it. Don't regret that. As others have said, it's going to take a little time, strategy, information, and old-fashioned sweet talk!

You gotta counteract his resistance with sweetness.... Rant with us all day...get it out of your system, and then when the subject comes up with him, be positive, informative, and patient. Tell him how excited you are and remind him (and yourself) of other situations where he may not have been supportive at first but now it's all good! Same thing here.

Remind him that his support and openness allows you to try new things, and that is what makes him a wonderful husband.... Flip it, baby!

Not to take the thread off track, but this situation is an example of how to work in relationships. I just got this book "The Power of a Woman's Words" from the library yesterday. It listed 25 things NEVER to say to your husband and 25 things your husband longs to hear. Here's the 25 things your husband longs to hear:

I've been thinking about you all day?
What can I do for you today?
How can I pray for you today?
The best part of my day is when you come home.
You are one of God's most precious gifts to me.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
You are so wonderful.
You look so handsome today.
You make my day brighter.
I don't feel complete without you.
You are my best friend.
I love spending time with you.
Thnak you for taking such good care of me.
You are my knight in shining armor.
I will always love you.
I trust your decisions.
I can always count on you.
What would you like to do?
I prize every moment with you.
I see God's fingerprints all over you.
You are such an inspiration to so many people.
You are such a wonderful father.
You could give classes on how to be a great husband.
I believe in you.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

I don't know about Kunta Kinte, but yes, natural does mean not straight, which would I guess mean nappy if it aint combed? I just don't get how a Black man(IF he is Black) could have a problem with the type of hair he himself sports everyday.

Because he is a man and men think differently than women do, especially when it comes to our beauty.

 

[Caramela]

I understand he is talking about your hair, but your hair's texture is like his, no?

No. His hair is not the same texture as mine.

 

[Caramela]

I can understand how you feel. When I first did the BC, dh was like, but I knew that eventually he will see it the way I envisioned my hair to be.

Now that its been almost 2 years, he loves it curly and he loves it straight. I showed him that there are other options than just straight hair and once I was able to show him that, he understood.

I don't think he has identity issues, as one poster put it...he is a man, and like most men, they love long hair on their woman...there is nothing wrong with that at all.

I think the best thing for you, and to keep the peace in your home, would be to have a longggggggggggggggg transistion without the BC. That way you can still keep your length and create styles that would allow him to see you in a different light.

All the best to you and to your husband!

To the bolded, that's why I didn't even validate that comment with a response.
But you're right, he just wants his lady to have long hair like I always have.

Thanks for your suggestions.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

It's good that you talked to him about it. Don't regret that. As others have said, it's going to take a little time, strategy, information, and old-fashioned sweet talk!

You gotta counteract his resistance with sweetness.... Rant with us all day...get it out of your system, and then when the subject comes up with him, be positive, informative, and patient. Tell him how excited you are and remind him (and yourself) of other situations where he may not have been supportive at first but now it's all good! Same thing here.

Remind him that his support and openness allows you to try new things, and that is what makes him a wonderful husband.... Flip it, baby!

Not to take the thread off track, but this situation is an example of how to work in relationships. I just got this book "The Power of a Woman's Words" from the library yesterday. It listed 25 things NEVER to say to your husband and 25 things your husband longs to hear. Here's the 25 things your husband longs to hear:

I've been thinking about you all day?
What can I do for you today?
How can I pray for you today?
The best part of my day is when you come home.
You are one of God's most precious gifts to me.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
You are so wonderful.
You look so handsome today.
You make my day brighter.
I don't feel complete without you.
You are my best friend.
I love spending time with you.
Thnak you for taking such good care of me.
You are my knight in shining armor.
I will always love you.
I trust your decisions.
I can always count on you.
What would you like to do?
I prize every moment with you.
I see God's fingerprints all over you.
You are such an inspiration to so many people.
You are such a wonderful father.
You could give classes on how to be a great husband.
I believe in you.

This list is on the money, RR. It reveals that men love to be "encouraged" and "lifted-up". They want to know that their wives adore them and look to them for meeting their needs.

When we start bringing up things like changing how we look...they lose it...I know that to be a fact!

You are right...she must flip-it

 

[MissMasala5]

My DH did not care for the times I shaved off all my hair and grew out natural TWAs. He has always made it clear that his preference was longer hair, whether curly or straight. However, he married me with this motto in mind: Happy wife, happy life.

You gotta be mindful of his wishes, but at the same time, your own happiness as well. If he wears natural hair, let him know how beautiful it is to you, and how attractive it is. This may help him change his attitude.

 

[graCeful_89]

It's good that you talked to him about it. Don't regret that. As others have said, it's going to take a little time, strategy, information, and old-fashioned sweet talk!

You gotta counteract his resistance with sweetness.... Rant with us all day...get it out of your system, and then when the subject comes up with him, be positive, informative, and patient. Tell him how excited you are and remind him (and yourself) of other situations where he may not have been supportive at first but now it's all good! Same thing here.

Remind him that his support and openness allows you to try new things, and that is what makes him a wonderful husband.... Flip it, baby!

Not to take the thread off track, but this situation is an example of how to work in relationships. I just got this book "The Power of a Woman's Words" from the library yesterday. It listed 25 things NEVER to say to your husband and 25 things your husband longs to hear. Here's the 25 things your husband longs to hear:

I've been thinking about you all day?
What can I do for you today?
How can I pray for you today?
The best part of my day is when you come home.
You are one of God's most precious gifts to me.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
You are so wonderful.
You look so handsome today.
You make my day brighter.
I don't feel complete without you.
You are my best friend.
I love spending time with you.
Thnak you for taking such good care of me.
You are my knight in shining armor.
I will always love you.
I trust your decisions.
I can always count on you.
What would you like to do?
I prize every moment with you.
I see God's fingerprints all over you.
You are such an inspiration to so many people.
You are such a wonderful father.
You could give classes on how to be a great husband.
I believe in you.

Some of these quotes are a stretch lol but for the most part, I really do love them. You give some GREAT advice. Stop it! You're distracting me from my work.