Rock head husband and his lack of support! (RANT)

[Caramela]

You can always go natural and keep your hair straightened......My girlfriend is natural but she gets her hair flat ironed every Saturday.....You can reap the benefits of being natural and keep the Hubby happy......Single folks will tell you do what makes you happy but as a married woman I know you desire to be attractive to your spouse.....

Let him know you can press and flat-iron and achieve the same look.....

Yes Now if I was single or dating or something, then I'd do what I want to do. But as a wife, I have a duty to be attractive for my husband as he has that same duty to me. And that's a great suggestion about the flat iron/press look... I was thinking of buying the electric straigtening comb by Goldn' hot

 

[HollyGolightly1982]

You can always go natural and keep your hair straightened......My girlfriend is natural but she gets her hair flat ironed every Saturday.....You can reap the benefits of being natural and keep the Hubby happy......Single folks will tell you do what makes you happy but as a married woman I know you desire to be attractive to your spouse.....

Let him know you can press and flat-iron and achieve the same look.....

I agree. I like to wear my hair short and straight. My DH prefers it long and curly. I rock a APL wavy do and we are both happy.

 

[Lucky's Mom]

I for one can understand your frustration. For those who seem to feel it does not matter what our husbands think about our hair - I think this is a very imature view. Yes it matters what my husband thinks of my appearance.

My husband was not in agreement of my decision to go natural. It was a very hard period in my life when I transitioned without his support. Actually he did not mind the transition, it was the big chop that threw him for a loop. I shared with him that I respected his opinion, but my decision was for my personal well-being and to be an example for our daughter and I hoped he would grow to enjoy my hair as much as I did.

Well said. This is paramount as wives. I am grateful for a supportive husband. And OP - as I said before - I am sure a happy medium will come about....

 

[Nice & Wavy]

I agree. I like to wear my hair short and straight. My DH prefers it long and curly. I rock a APL wavy do and we are both happy.

I'm like you...I like being happy with dh!

 

[Lucky's Mom]

Ladies - what is DH?

 

[Traycee]

Ladies - what is DH?

They say....Dear Husband

 

[Monigirl]

Yes Now if I was single or dating or something, then I'd do what I want to do. But as a wife, I have a duty to be attractive for my husband as he has that same duty to me. And that's a great suggestion about the flat iron/press look... I was thinking of buying the electric straigtening comb by Goldn' hot

I'll be happy to give you my Goldn' Hot. I like the kitchen stove type better. FREE!!

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I tried to respond twice and got an invalid thread message... lol I was worried Allandra found something and shut it down!

Anywhoo!!

I agree with a lot of the advice here. Your hubby can be a victim of the good/bad hair thing, and there's nothing you can do but slowly develop yourself into the natural beauty you will become. He will NOT have anything negative to say if the natural thing is for you and people left and right begin to praise you for your natural beauty.

Sometimes people have to see it to believe it

 

[Caramela]

Ok!! THIS JUST IN!!! He's no longer a rock head. I sent him an email telling him about the straight styles and that I'm not cutting my hair and the look of my hair is not going to drastically change. And this was his response....



Just do what you want really its not that big of a deal to me. If you do or you don't it wont change my outlook of you. You do not need my consent I trust your judgment. Just don't tell me [what you're doing with your hair] that's when I put up an argument.

 

[Traycee]

I'll be happy to give you my Goldn' Hot. I like the kitchen stove type better.

LOL....I thought I was the only one left in the world that still use the stove....

 

[KhandiB]

Thats a definite. My husband says he doesnt care if Im natural or not he just wants my hair long and thats the deal we made. Unless its some unforseen circumstance we agreed that I wouldnt cut my hair past my shoulders, I can deal with that.

In a marraige its not all about one person ..

LOL

Good Luck transitioning!

Yes Now if I was single or dating or something, then I'd do what I want to do. But as a wife, I have a duty to be attractive for my husband as he has that same duty to me. And that's a great suggestion about the flat iron/press look... I was thinking of buying the electric straigtening comb by Goldn' hot

 

[Caramela]

I'll be happy to give you my Goldn' Hot. I like the kitchen stove type better. FREE!!

Whatt??? You will??

PM me!

 

[graCeful_89]

Ok!! THIS JUST IN!!! He's no longer a rock head. I sent him an email telling him about the straight styles and that I'm not cutting my hair and the look of my hair is not going to drastically change. And this was his response....



Just do what you want really its not that big of a deal to me. If you do or you don't it wont change my outlook of you. You do not need my consent I trust your judgment. Just don't tell me [what you're doing with your hair] that's when I put up an argument.

Girl. you have a good husband. edit: if my SO sent me an email like that, esp. since its about me & my hair, I'd so give him some as soon as he walked into the door. Idk about you, but whenever he does something like that, takes a step back and really thinks about me & my needs, it makes him sexier than he already is!

 

[Allandra]

I tried to respond twice and got an invalid thread message... lol I was worried Allandra found something and shut it down!

Anywhoo!!

I agree with a lot of the advice here. Your hubby can be a victim of the good/bad hair thing, and there's nothing you can do but slowly develop yourself into the natural beauty you will become. He will NOT have anything negative to say if the natural thing is for you and people left and right begin to praise you for your natural beauty.

Sometimes people have to see it to believe it

Thanks for calling me out. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this thread.

 

[Monigirl]

Whatt??? You will??

PM me!

I just sent you a PM

 

[Monigirl]

LOL....I thought I was the only one left in the world that still use the stove....

Me too....No hot comb gets my hair straight like the old fashion burning comb.

 

[Qualitee]

Ifeel you I would take that to heart too. If my husband said that to me I would relax my hair. But you should do what you feel is best. i mean it's your hair anyway

 

[hrtbndr21]

I'm sure you guys can find some kind of compromise. You can even rollersets, press/flat iron etc. so he can enjoy your length and do curly styles too so you can enjoy your natural hair. Maybe he's right just don't give him too much detail about your plans he understands what you are basically planning to do. Men sometimes get these ideas in their heads and just go over the top w/ "advice". It'll be alright.

 

[Kurlee]

He likes when I wear my hair in relaxed styles, wether that's curly or straight or wavy, whatever. He just likes the relaxed look better I guess.
He doesn't like any natural texture. I've shown him a lot. From looser curls, to tighter ones, to the nappiest of nappy. But he doesn't like any of them. It's important to me to be attractive to him, because when I tell him I don't like something about his appearance, he would change it.
He is just getting on my nerves because this is something I want to do. And him being against it makes me want to do it that much more. If he supported me, I might not even want to do it as much, for real

I dunno, your hair unrelaxed is who you really are and he should accept that. I don't think you should change your plans to go natural based on what he wants. It's your hair and I find it disturbing that what naturally grows out of a black woman's head or your head for that matter, is ugly no matter what in his eyes. I find it to be a little superficial because there is so much more to who you are and your beauty than whether or not you relax. If you really want to go natural and see what its like, I say do it regardless for yourself. If he is not attracted to you anymore or it causes issues in your relationship, then I really don't know what to say

 

[Christa438]

Your DH is wonderful. Carm, that email had me kinda scared he might've gotten mad at you. When I started reading, I was actually holding my breath and then I saw he was alright and I let out my breath slowly. But it was sweet that he supports you in his own way because he loves you, even though he may not like it. I do think people, especially men, are afraid of the unknown. In this case, I have to admit even I have seen natural hair on women and thought WTH! I did see some hair that just looked "unkept" or a "ham" in my opinion. (I noticed bad lookin relaxed hair too includin mine but we're talkin about Natural now) But then, I started seeing how natural hair can really be beautiful and sexy no matter what texture once I came to LHCF. I also agree that you should probably go the transition without BC route. When he sees that you're still beautiful and sexy rockin natural hair, he'll be all over you. And when the curls are flowin down your back, he'll probably braggin to his boys that his baby's hair is "natural" lol and how J-Lo or Beyonce aint got nothin on you. And you'll be like .

 

[PeggyFair]

I dunno, your hair unrelaxed is who you really are and he should accept that. I don't think you should change your plans to go natural based on what he wants. It's your hair and I find it disturbing that what naturally grows out of a black woman's head or your head for that matter, is ugly no matter what in his eyes. I find it to be a little superficial because there is so much more to who you are and your beauty than whether or not you relax. If you really want to go natural and see what its like, I say do it regardless for yourself. If he is not attracted to you anymore or it causes issues in your relationship, then I really don't know what to say

I guess every marriage/relationship is different. We each have to decide what we are willing to compromise in our relationships. For me personally, my SO is Caucasion so I don't know if that makes a difference, but he knows I am kind of/sort of obsessed with keeping my hair healthy. He didn't know me when I was natural, I've been relaxed for the time I have been with him, and to be honest, he is indifferent to what I do to my hair, whether it be short or shoulder length, cuz he knows I will not grow my hair past my shoulders, and he's cool with that. We have discussed this and his thing is just as long as it smells good and I keep it healthy he doesn't really care what I do to my hair, he has more of a body fetish than hair. Which made me feel relieved cuz I think he is the one I want to marry and I would hate that if we had daughters he would look at their hair in a negative way just because it wasn't as straight as my "relaxed" hair.

 

[Hair Iam]

When I had 3 inches of natural hair (stretched)back in April 2006 my DH was just like this , now he likes my natural hair but he loves when I get it done straight ..so we compromise ... I get it done once a month , wear straight for 2 weeks and natural for 2 . He does support me trying new styles , he loves my Afro puff, just not my wash and go's ...and I believe with more length he'll come to love my wash and go's too...give him some time..don't take what he said to heart ..it's just his opinion and he has a right to it

Your LHCF will always be here

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Thanks for calling me out. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this thread.

I'm just saying madam, you're a ninja mod. I was like, "What did I miss in 30 seconds?"

 

[MissLawyerLady]

I'm sorry your husband is tripping- keep your head up though and do what makes you feel beautiful. Ultimately, if you feel good about yourself it will show through to him and he'll notice.

Are there other features of yours that he loves and that you can play up to distract him from the hair thing?!:blondboob

I will say my husband is generally supportive of my hair decision- so I guess I'll count my blessings on that one. He's quick to tell me I have "playground hair" after I come inside on a windy day, though!

 

[Mook's hair]

Is that photo in your avatar a current photo of you?

If it is...I see that you have long beautiful hair.

The logical side of him may just be screaming.... DON'T LET HER CHANGE IT! I LIKE IT THE WAY IT IS.

Making a change to natural probably sounds like a bad idea to him because He already has what he wants.

It might sound as Illogical as you walking in one day and telling him that you don't want to brush your teeth or wash your butt anymore.

You'll have to feel this one out. I'm sure the two of you can find the peace in whatever decision you make.

God Bless.

 

[NewYorkgyrl]

I do...if you don't like the kinky hair that comes out of YOUR head or anything similar on your mate, then you have problems with your identity. I didn't want to out right say it but it's called self hate. Luckily if OP decides to go natural her hubby will be able to learn to appreciate the natural beauty of napptural hair which isn't a bad thing.

I started to think the same thing. The OP stated that she showed her husband MANY pics of natural hair and he did not like ANY of them. I could understand not liking short hair but for him to not like ANY of the natural hair pics....erplexed

OP: When you were showing him pics did you also show him pics of long natural hair?

 

[Southernbella.]

Sounds like an identity issue than a preference issue. Maybe you should try to get him to be more confident about his self and who he is as a person.

I'm assuming that you BOTH have kinky hair, right?

My SO said he wasn't feeling the natural hair at first when he met me but now when I wear it straight he says he doesn't like it as much. He says....what did you do to the poof?? and practically smoothers me when he sees my hair back natural again.

So I would just ease him into the natural look. Don't do a big chop and press the roots until you get the length you want. Another thing....he married you so I'm sure he will think you are hot no matter what is on your head.

Alright now, that's deep!

I think that was a big part of it for my dh. He had pics of me on his myspace with my long relaxed hair, and the captions said "that's her hair!", or "isn't her hair beautiful! (It's hers)"

I think for him, having a wife with long, thick, straight hair that was real was an ego booster. It was something that set me (and him, by extension) apart from everyone else.

He wasn't feeling the natural look on me either, but he wasn't kicking me out of bed, so I knew it had to be something deeper than the look of it. I really do believe it had more to do with him. Aren't men stupid?

Now, I can see the air being puffed back into his chest when we are out and random strangers compliment me on my hair.

Caramela, I feel you, I really do. It will get better, trust me. I think most men would be fine with long natural hair, or short relaxed hair, but short AND natural hair is a "no-no". Even if you have to do a long transition, you can go natural if you want to. You can get it straightened if you have to, but if it's something you really want to do, you should do it.

 

[envybeauty]

A lot of Black men have the same issues with hair that Black women have. It was/is inevitable. They want to know if it's real...if it's really long... and if it is......do you have Indian in your family......questions that many Black women ask about other Black women all the time.

They are not oblivious to it so just like how many of us had a change of heart about many things concerning Black hair, so too do we have to allow them time to have a change of heart.

Education does not happen overnight. It didn't for you and it won't for him.

 

[Southernbella.]

Just read all the posts.

I guess I'm just crazy, but I don't believe in doing something you are dead-set against to please your spouse, especially if it's something like putting chemicals on your scalp. (Not that I personally believe it's harmful, but some people do, and I don't think it's healthy for a spouse to say "so what?" to those concerns).

I believe in compromise, which Caramela's dh is open to, so that's great! I just can't get with the notion that making your spouse happy at the expense of your own identity and beliefs is worth it. How can your man be happy if you truly aren't?

Compromise goes both ways, ladies. Always remember that.

 

[NewYorkgyrl]

I would just like to say that I am very thankful for all of the honest opinions in this thread. It is thread like these that make me even more thankful that I made the decision to go natural now so that I can quickly shuffle through the men that would give me problems because of my hair. Fortunately I have had NO problems (even from guy friends who in the past have stated some ignorant things about natural hair).

To the OP: try to stay positive and upbeat because the road to natural may require it. Unfortunately not many naturals have the support that they want from their family and friends and it can end up causing lots of self esteem issues.

I would also like to point out that many people have said to straghten it until it grows to the length you like. I would not suggest that unless you KNOW FOR SURE that you will wear your hair striaght almost all the time when you are all natural. I say this because that heat can damage your hair and change the texture even the very first time. SO really think about that before you do it.

Also don't be so quick to show your insecurities. Confidence is contagious and many times uf we are confident about how we look that positive energy flows onto others.

Last but not least introduce it to him slowly. And try not to make hair an everyday conversation with him.

Good luck and I wish you the best with whatever you decide