Spin off of difficult hair: We need a new term!!

[Enchantmt]

For those of you who have spent any of the last three days in the "Was our hair meant to be this difficult?" thread, or any length of time on this board, you have seen the debate rage back and forth about natural vs relaxed, self hate vs styling option, etc. This post really summed up things for me in regards to how this issue has been approached:

I told myself to stay out of here but from reading both sides, this really appears to be the case to me.

Ok, I can't speak for everybody but lemme see if I have this straight. Navs, it kinda seems that your logic requires someone to explicitly voice their particular reasons for relaxing. And that reason only, is the final proof and/or truth for that person at that time. Only by that person admitting or voicing that particular reasoning can it be said that this reasoning is valid. From this standpoint, the individual herself is the final authority. The reasoning behind the actions are as concrete as the answer given. But here, the predisposing, enabling, and reinforcing factors that may be governing the behavior are essentially ignored. To me, this is a somewhat cosmetic or surface scratching approach. The problem with this is that if a person is unaware of those factors, they are missing a critical link needed to explain their behaviors, without it they cannot admit to anything. They can only admit what they "know" which can be flawed, lacking, or dicey if those factors are not included in the assessment. Or is it more of an "There's a history to this behavior/action, but I am separate from that history because I do it for x,y,z?"

It seems that Bunny and others are referring to the deeper social and psycological aspects of the debate-- the fact that many people are following a "social script" when they relax and may not truly be fully aware of the deeper social roots of their actions. In this case, many will not admit that their relaxing comes from something beyond them and their manageability issues simply because they are not aware of it. It is kind of hard to admit or come to terms with something that you aren't aware of. From this standpoint, the individual is inherently flawed and subject to the power of influence from the environment. In this case, a person may not be fully aware of the reasons for her actions. From this point of view, the meat of the issue is hardly manageability. This issue (and its ugly twin the skin color/tone issue) goes much deeper. To me, this approach is much deeper because it deals with the effects of socialization on the subconcious. It seems to say, "There's a history to this behavior, and though I do it for x,y,z I am still connected to that history because reason x,y, and z are by products of that history."

I don't know though. I guess it depends on if you want to see this as an individual issue or a community issue. :scratchch Let me get outta here I am confusing my own self.

Now stay with me because I'm going to try to speak my mind without confusing me or you. Let me preface this by saying that although I am natural, I'm not anti relaxer, and although I encourage people to experience their natural hair, I'm not looking to convert folx. Most people choose to do what they know and when going from relaxed to natural or natural to relaxed there is a learning curve involved where you have to learn new techniques to get good results. I do however think that some of the decisions we make about our hair today are based on a negative past that although we werent here to personally experience these things first hand, they still affect our mindset as a community, as the things we do have been taught to us based on knowledge and experiences passed down from adult to child. Let me also say that not everyone experiences these things to the same degree. I had had one or two minor incidents growing up in relation to my hair, but I didn't have a fear of going natural until I had made the decision to do so and then researching my options, realized that so many black women had had negative experiences because of it. (Husband not liking it, not feeling attractive, job issues etc). In my experience, none of that would have ever crossed my mind and had I not come across the information I wouldnt have realized that any of those things happening could have been tied to my natural hair. For example, when I cut my hair and the daily compliments ceased, it bothered me a little, but I would have thought it was because my hair was short, not natural, but I've come to find out that short and straight would have been ok.

Anyway, I think the reason these issues get debated so heatedly is partly because of the terms used. Most folx are going to shut down open communication if you put them on the defensive by saying they hate themselves or are acting out of ignorance. I don't think self hate is the proper term to use, when we are working from a social survival script that was thrust upon up by the ruling class' disdain for and effort to control us. What term(s), instead of "self hate" can be used to get across that there is a lack of awareness of the history of some of these styling options which sprang from a negative place, so that a person can become aware of and challenge their own thinking? Not in an effort to cease relaxing, but in an effort to recognize and affirm black beauty in all of it's different facets: light, dark, nappy, straight and in between. I want something that conveys the fact there is an issue to be addressed, but that we arent powerless to address it. I also think we need new affirmations. "I'm black and I'm proud" and "black is beautiful" is all well and good, but sometimes it seems like our perception of black beauty has been put in a box. (Yeah, black is beautiful but only if it has a, b and c.)

Anyway, this forum has some of the best minds in the universe. So help me out, ladies!!

 

[JustKiya]

Oooooh.... I like this.

I refuse to use the term 'self-hate'. I think that's - well, I think that's a bit harsh, honestly. And - having used to be a permed gal, I KNOW that it's not ALL about having the swinging hair.

It's one part ignorance of how to take care of our natural hair, one part society pressure to 'conform' (history), and one part denial that there IS a historical aspect.

I can't think of a way to condense that into a single phrase - that WON'T raise anyone's hackles.

Maybe - 'All healthy hair is beautiful' ....

But you know, not everyone WANTS to examine their belief systems - especially the more insiduous ones.....

 

[Mahalialee4]

I appreciate your post and the post you referred to. Perhaps changing the words would make it sound more palatable for some. For some, it would be a watering down of the truth of their personal experiences. Some persons use the word “self murder”, self inflicted death and some say suicide, but everyone knows that what is being said is “the person killed themself. And they are dead!" But “suicide” sounds better to some, (maybe the public), but to the parents or spouse, no matter what word is used does it not diminish or change the effects of knowing that their flesh and blood took their own life ..In regard to maybe not using the term “self hatred” on the board, if that will keep the peace, finding a euphanism or ( I will have to check a thesaurosus) for some alternatives, I have no problem with that.


As far as the relaxed versus natural thing, I have always maintained that people have a right to choose and I do not knock anyone’s choice who relaxes nor do I think that they are “trying to be white”. Nor do I think that not relaxing makes one morally or spiritually superior or proof that they are more “self loving”, so I never make that a primary focus of my posts.

My total focus re: that thread was: Why people feel so passionately about something personal, that causes them to question their self worth, their desirability, their own ability, or parts of their body is that there has to be some related factors or elements of internal origin or an external one. I look for the catalysts and the outcomes as a result of environmental and social impacts on groups within given societies. What happened to impact our (black) people to such an extent, that several generations of Black people may appear to some to be obsessing about something like “our hair”, in light of all the raging political and global concerns facing mankind? What about “our hair ” creates so much internal and external dialogue? And yet it stands out there like the great riddle that no one can solve without breaking some eggs. It would appear that SOMETHING BIG, (like a psychological earthquake of great proportions) must have occurred sometime somewhere!

What we do know for a certainty is that something monumental happened within the western environment that shaped the views of an entire nation of people, black and white and shaped how both cultures were viewed by others and how that view impacted on their pyches in a variety of ways, triggering emotional response and behaviours influencing generations of black and white people. For black people the range has encompassed denial, anger, shutting down, detachment, helplessness, hopelessness, rage, self effacement, identifying with the abusers and much much more. The list could go on and on. We also know that the racist "hair" focus was only directed at black people! and this focus was and is noted and felt around the globe in all nations.
What we also know for a certainty is that “black hair” generated a monumental deluge of thoughts or perceptions, actions and reactions for both white and black people that has extended to the other nationalities.
But specifically, black people are the only humans who have been systematically and legally targeted, jailed and murdered by many nations and labeled as animals and subhumans, simply based on the color of the skin and hair texture which makes them stand out in any crowd of Europeans etc. I have not been able to be complacent or indifferent or disaffected by what happened to my people.

To have their human value, worth, and rights to life and liberty , (inclusion into the civilized societies as an equal in all areas and in the spirit of the law and of fellow citizens) stand in question would have to impact anyone who was considered “black”. It had to be psychologically traumatizing. How they responded was individually and collectively often through self preserving or self deprecating behaviours and a variety of subliminal coping strategies in order to turn their world right side up again as a people or individually. After all, slavery and segregation was physically and legally binding on any children and grandchildren they would have and all of their family members and kinfolks so it' s impact would have kind of like a domino effect, in my opinion..

To have this “racist control and genocide theory” supported not only by the white governments who had power over them, but chillingly by white scientists ( not black, red , or yellow) who represented the most learned of this “power race”, professors, teachers, the most prominent men in the communities, the wives and down to their youngest children who either participated in the racial discrimination against blacks, or stood complacently by, or kept silent out of fear, this had to shape and influence the Black people’s views about themselves in some way to some degree or another and look for means to “explain Hair madness"), either within themselves or within their environment. This "complex" remains my singular and only focus on this subject. Thanks again for the post. (got to do a spell check) bonjour

 

[patient1]

Strong-willed hair.
Hair that is difficult to conform.
Complex tresses.


Let me think more on this. I think there is power in words...terms. It's why the naming of a child is such an honor...why human collectives place importance on how they are referenced.

It matters. And choosing to insert a new term into the dialogue (in conversations with our peers, in daily talk with our children) we wield our power and start to turn the tide.

If words had no power, then why do letter combinations like nig*er, fa***t, b***h, etc. create a visceral response in so many humans?

p1

 

[Mahalialee4]

instead of "self hatred " we could say
those who are in need of "Affirmative care for style challenged hair" comes to mind. This covers natural and relaxed hair types and all hair struggles. Hope this helps. I am sure there are a lot of options that others will contribute . bonjour

 

[JewelleNY]

misunderstood???

 

[Mahalialee4]

I like that one "challenged tresses!!! I do have challenged tresses....my challenged tresses....it works for me. bonjour

 

[Mahalialee4]

Strong-willed hair.
Hair that is difficult to conform.
Complex tresses.


Let me think more on this. I think there is power in words...terms. It's why the naming of a child is such an honor...why human collectives place importance on how they are referenced.

It matters. And choosing to insert a new term into the dialogue (in conversations with our peers, in daily talk with our children) we wield our power and start to turn the tide.

If words had no power, then why do letter combinations like nig*er, fa***t, b***h, etc. create a visceral response in so many humans?

p1

as in James 3 5, 9, 10: ..."there is life and death in the power of the tongue...just a little member but can set a whole forest on fire.." That is what racism does...speaks death in to your life, on to your head, on to your skin.

 

[Blu217]

As an artist, I look around and consider what I like best in nature: Coarse or smooth? Straight or kinky? Long or short? Matte or shiny? When the hedges grow too high or too much out of alignment, a gardener trims them back. We pull the wrinkles out of made beds so they look smooth and neat. We don't let the grass grow too high in our yards because it looks as if we don't care to keep it groomed. If we are naturally heavy, we work to lose some weight so that we can both look more in alignment and feel better. If God gave me a cleft palate, I could live with it--but I'd be grateful to a parent who saw fit to have it corrected. And I think these things correlate to attitudes about hair as well.

My natural hair reminds me of natural textures I do NOT inherently like. Does that mean I hate myself as a black person, or that I am influenced by white society to think they're right and I'm wrong? I don't see it as such. When people of any race look at simple shapes, most gravitate toward symmetry, balance. When I look at one of my long coiled strands of new growth, there is no symmetry and balance to its shape. Because it comes out of my body, because it's inherent to my race I am expected to adore it anyway, even if, were it not hair and merely a sketch on paper, I would sooner choose a straight line, or an evenly wavy one.

I think we biologically prefer shapes, colors and sizes that appeal to our innate desires for balance, symmetry and order. And although we are all to some degree influenced by the social climates around us and the legacy of oppression has resulted in a bevy of hair and race issues, I also think the preference for smoother hair is based, both in white and black culture, in nature itself, in a generic preference for things we touch or wear to be smooth and fine rather than rough and course, as part of our inherent love of order. If our preferences as humans were opposite these, we'd likely live in a world and design our environments filled with jagged edges, lopsides and much more random shapes, kinky hair would be king and the product aisles for Caucasian hair would be filled with chemicals to help them coil up their displeasingly smooth, straight locks.

 

[navsegda]

As an artist, I look around and consider what I like best in nature: Coarse or smooth? Straight or kinky? Long or short? Matte or shiny? When the hedges grow too high or too much out of alignment, a gardener trims them back. We pull the wrinkles out of made beds so they look smooth and neat. We don't let the grass grow too high in our yards because it looks as if we don't care to keep it groomed. If we are naturally heavy, we work to lose some weight so that we can both look more in alignment and feel better. If God gave me a cleft palate, I could live with it--but I'd be grateful to a parent who saw fit to have it corrected. And I think these things correlate to attitudes about hair as well.

My natural hair reminds me of natural textures I do NOT inherently like. Does that mean I hate myself as a black person, or that I am influenced by white society to think they're right and I'm wrong? I don't see it as such. When people of any race look at simple shapes, most gravitate toward symmetry, balance. When I look at one of my long coiled strands of new growth, there is no symmetry and balance to its shape. Because it comes out of my body, because it's inherent to my race I am expected to adore it anyway, even if, were it not hair and merely a sketch on paper, I would sooner choose a straight line, or an evenly wavy one.

I think we biologically prefer shapes, colors and sizes that appeal to our innate desires for balance, symmetry and order. And although we are all to some degree influenced by the social climates around us and the legacy of oppression has resulted in a bevy of hair and race issues, I also think the preference for smoother hair is based, both in white and black culture, in nature itself, in a generic preference for things we touch or wear to be smooth and fine rather than rough and course, as part of our inherent love of order. If our preferences as humans were opposite these, we'd likely live in a world and design our environments filled with jagged edges, lopsides and much more random shapes, kinky hair would be king and the product aisles for Caucasian hair would be filled with chemicals to help them coil up their displeasingly smooth, straight locks.

Wow. This is very eloquently put. I am glad you put an artist's perspective on it to make your analogies. You brought up several things that I never would have thought about.

 

[patient1]

As an artist, I look around and consider what I like best in nature: Coarse or smooth? Straight or kinky? Long or short? Matte or shiny? When the hedges grow too high or too much out of alignment, a gardener trims them back. We pull the wrinkles out of made beds so they look smooth and neat. We don't let the grass grow too high in our yards because it looks as if we don't care to keep it groomed. If we are naturally heavy, we work to lose some weight so that we can both look more in alignment and feel better. If God gave me a cleft palate, I could live with it--but I'd be grateful to a parent who saw fit to have it corrected. And I think these things correlate to attitudes about hair as well.

My natural hair reminds me of natural textures I do NOT inherently like. Does that mean I hate myself as a black person, or that I am influenced by white society to think they're right and I'm wrong? I don't see it as such. When people of any race look at simple shapes, most gravitate toward symmetry, balance. When I look at one of my long coiled strands of new growth, there is no symmetry and balance to its shape. Because it comes out of my body, because it's inherent to my race I am expected to adore it anyway, even if, were it not hair and merely a sketch on paper, I would sooner choose a straight line, or an evenly wavy one.

I think we biologically prefer shapes, colors and sizes that appeal to our innate desires for balance, symmetry and order. And although we are all to some degree influenced by the social climates around us and the legacy of oppression has resulted in a bevy of hair and race issues, I also think the preference for smoother hair is based, both in white and black culture, in nature itself, in a generic preference for things we touch or wear to be smooth and fine rather than rough and course, as part of our inherent love of order. If our preferences as humans were opposite these, we'd likely live in a world and design our environments filled with jagged edges, lopsides and much more random shapes, kinky hair would be king and the product aisles for Caucasian hair would be filled with chemicals to help them coil up their displeasingly smooth, straight locks.

I don't agree with much of this, but I'm expert at "agreeing to disagree". The blanketing of all humanity with your inherent views raises my disagreeing self the most.

I remember looking at my children's coils and thinking them the most amazingly PERFECT coils and springs...visible everywhere in nature...crawling vines, the sun, the moon, That aside...

I too, like so many here, am an artist. And whether I am manifesting my vision on the blank canvas or the blank page, I am NOT concerned with perfect symmetry or order. I like things slightly left of center: the paintings of artists, masters really, that give me the impression of something without being dead on, the story that does not follow the precise plot chart with a perfect execution of all the elements (here's the protagonist so clearly at odds with the antagonist...AHOY, there is the climax!!!...sigh, the falling action...)

I like to be shown NOT told. I enjoy analysis and wrestling with ideas.

Even in nature, I love the way a dandelion manifests...a near perfect orb AND an orchid...variations in color and shape..the imperfect, slightly obscene well in the middle.

I don't see a correlation between a cleft palate, an untidy bed, and my natural hair...or my children's hair. I don't and I hurt that, if a woman as intelligent as yourself holds these opinions (as is authentic to you) then how many others do? I worry again that the seed of acceptance I plant in my daughters will not be watered but poisoned with those who will VOICE their dislike of my children's textures in their eyes, their words, their actions.

It is not whites that I worry about at all.

Also, the underlined portions...why this constant refrain? What or whom is the source of this? Who is telling you that you hate yourself due to your hair texture? Who is telling you that you should adore your texture because of your race? If one doesn't love themselves then hair scalped or floor length nothing's changed.

If anything, I'd love it if folks would strive to love themselves fingertip to fingertip, hair to toes because this is you. There is only one of you. And there will never be another you again. Life is too short in my eyes for me to be too preoccupied with disgust for any cell. That said, my post pregnancy body is a challenge to adore, but love it I do. I tell folks that there are implants with my name on it, but it's said half in jest...half seriously. After all, these are NOT the breasts I was born with or the stomach and skin for that matter.

I've digressed and I'm disappointed in myself because I had hoped this thread would focus on the charge the OP set forth.

p1

 

[Radianthealth]

I don't know what to say but "live and let live"

I never understood why we can't love and appreciate every type of beauty that black women represent whether natural, braided, relaxed, or weaved. I have been all and thoroughly enjoyed them all, I just like variety. Patient1 and Blu though you two have different perspectives they were both beautifully stated

 

[Precious_1]

Blu this post was an absolute pleasure to read, it just flowed. So elegant..I agree with you, and understand what message you are trying to relay. Love the cleft palate analogy, i work with children who have this and their parents will almost always opt to have this fixed, and that doesnt mean the parents dont think their child is any less beautiful than before.

As an artist, I look around and consider what I like best in nature: Coarse or smooth? Straight or kinky? Long or short? Matte or shiny? When the hedges grow too high or too much out of alignment, a gardener trims them back. We pull the wrinkles out of made beds so they look smooth and neat. We don't let the grass grow too high in our yards because it looks as if we don't care to keep it groomed. If we are naturally heavy, we work to lose some weight so that we can both look more in alignment and feel better. If God gave me a cleft palate, I could live with it--but I'd be grateful to a parent who saw fit to have it corrected. And I think these things correlate to attitudes about hair as well.

My natural hair reminds me of natural textures I do NOT inherently like. Does that mean I hate myself as a black person, or that I am influenced by white society to think they're right and I'm wrong? I don't see it as such. When people of any race look at simple shapes, most gravitate toward symmetry, balance. When I look at one of my long coiled strands of new growth, there is no symmetry and balance to its shape. Because it comes out of my body, because it's inherent to my race I am expected to adore it anyway, even if, were it not hair and merely a sketch on paper, I would sooner choose a straight line, or an evenly wavy one.

I think we biologically prefer shapes, colors and sizes that appeal to our innate desires for balance, symmetry and order. And although we are all to some degree influenced by the social climates around us and the legacy of oppression has resulted in a bevy of hair and race issues, I also think the preference for smoother hair is based, both in white and black culture, in nature itself, in a generic preference for things we touch or wear to be smooth and fine rather than rough and course, as part of our inherent love of order. If our preferences as humans were opposite these, we'd likely live in a world and design our environments filled with jagged edges, lopsides and much more random shapes, kinky hair would be king and the product aisles for Caucasian hair would be filled with chemicals to help them coil up their displeasingly smooth, straight locks.

 

[Miss*Tress]

I don't think comparing curly/coily hair to a birth defect is really a step in the right direction.

However, I'll keep an open mind as (or if) the discussion continues.

 

[Jaizee]

As an artist, I look around and consider what I like best in nature: Coarse or smooth? Straight or kinky? Long or short? Matte or shiny? When the hedges grow too high or too much out of alignment, a gardener trims them back. We pull the wrinkles out of made beds so they look smooth and neat. We don't let the grass grow too high in our yards because it looks as if we don't care to keep it groomed. If we are naturally heavy, we work to lose some weight so that we can both look more in alignment and feel better. If God gave me a cleft palate, I could live with it--but I'd be grateful to a parent who saw fit to have it corrected. And I think these things correlate to attitudes about hair as well.

My natural hair reminds me of natural textures I do NOT inherently like. Does that mean I hate myself as a black person, or that I am influenced by white society to think they're right and I'm wrong? I don't see it as such. When people of any race look at simple shapes, most gravitate toward symmetry, balance. When I look at one of my long coiled strands of new growth, there is no symmetry and balance to its shape. Because it comes out of my body, because it's inherent to my race I am expected to adore it anyway, even if, were it not hair and merely a sketch on paper, I would sooner choose a straight line, or an evenly wavy one.

I think we biologically prefer shapes, colors and sizes that appeal to our innate desires for balance, symmetry and order. And although we are all to some degree influenced by the social climates around us and the legacy of oppression has resulted in a bevy of hair and race issues, I also think the preference for smoother hair is based, both in white and black culture, in nature itself, in a generic preference for things we touch or wear to be smooth and fine rather than rough and course, as part of our inherent love of order. If our preferences as humans were opposite these, we'd likely live in a world and design our environments filled with jagged edges, lopsides and much more random shapes, kinky hair would be king and the product aisles for Caucasian hair would be filled with chemicals to help them coil up their displeasingly smooth, straight locks.

Whoa, this post made me think. I think this is an excellent post. I may disagree with a lot of it, but it's still thought-provoking. I hope that everyone else stops to read it.

 

[Enchantmt]

I've digressed and I'm disappointed in myself because I had hoped this thread would focus on the charge the OP set forth.

p1

Thanks for the responses ladies! P1 I was honestly hoping you would come weigh in. I do want to keep the focus on the task of finding new ways to AFFIRM our beauty, whether coily or straight, and a new term or phrase to replace "self-hate" when referring to people who relax or straighten AND/or who have knee-jerk reactions disliking the natural texture of black hair and are possibly unconsious of or indifferrent to the broader social aspects. This is not thinking only of women and styling options, I also have in mind men who totally recoil at the thought of a natural hairstyle. This is not intended to be another disscussion on whether or not our natural hair is beautiful or whether the desire to relax/straighten or the dislike of coily hair is based simply on personal choice. I personally think that our quest for straight hair started out because our hair is hated, but even so we werent the ones making laws saying black hair couldnt be seen in public and placing value judgements on straight vs coily hair, however we have cuturally internalized a dislike for nappy/coily hair because of that and other issues. So the basis for this thread is that, conscious or not, in GENERAL, the widespread desire to conform to straight hair is based on the belief that coily hair is not acceptable, whether or not initiated or consciously carried on by blacks. Calling it self hate just doesnt sit right with me. I know when I was relaxed if someone had suggested I hated my blackness I would have totally dismissed them as someone looney with issues and an overdose of misdirected black pride, but looking back and examining my personal response and the response of others to my hair, I realize that it had never been an issue because as I had gotten older, except for one incident, it was always straight. You dont often get told you need to change when the cutural majority agrees with your selection. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I just have a vision of something that will spark the light of rediscovery. It happens to small degrees here... a woman stretching her relaxer for discovers her newgrowth and loses fear of it, for example. Anyway, any reponses are appreciated.

 

[Blu217]

Thanks, ladies, for your kind and thoughtful responses to my earlier post, OT tho it was (my bad). I do want to clarify that the reference to the cleft is meant to address a broader issue of accepting whatever God gives you, not about defectiveness.

Back to the original issue--which I realized later I forgot to address--I was going to say "challenging" till I saw Patient1's suggestion for "complex." I like that.

While we did start straightening our hair because it was hated, I believe that does not discredit the value those who continue to relax find today in realizing that relaxers actually aid in managing texture. I think that for those who are passionate about history, they consider the origins and the history in their decision to not relax. For those who are focused on convenience, it's about something else; I doubt knowing how it started would make many women stop doing it.

I am one who has discovered a few things about her natural hair texture through stretching, and I'm not in love. Maybe we need to go out a few more times.

 

[patient1]

Thanks for the responses ladies! P1 I was honestly hoping you would come weigh in. I do want to keep the focus on the task of finding new ways to AFFIRM our beauty, whether coily or straight, and a new term or phrase to replace "self-hate" when referring to people who relax or straighten or who have knee-jerk reactions disliking the natural texture of black hair and are possibly unconsious of or indifferrent to the broader social aspects. This is not another disscussion on whether or not our hair is beautiful or whether the desire to relax/straighten or the dislike of coily hair is based simply on personal choice. I think that our quest for straight hair started out because our hair is hated, but even so we werent the ones making laws saying black hair couldnt be seen in public and placing value judgements on straight vs coily hair, however we have cuturally internalized a dislike for nappy/coily hair because of that and other issues. So as a basis for this thread is that, conscious or not, in GENERAL, the widespread desire to conform to straight hair is based on the belief that coily hair is not acceptable, whether or not initiated or consciously carried on by blacks. Calling it self hate just doesnt sit right with me. I know when I was relaxed if someone had suggested I hated my blackness I would have totally dismissed them as someone looney with issues and an overdose of misdirected black pride, but looking back and examining my personal response and the response of others to my hair, I realize that it had never been an issue because as I had gotten older, except for one incident, it was always straight. You dont often get told you need to change when the cutural majority agrees with your selection. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I just have a vision of something that will spark the light of rediscovery. It happens to small degrees here... a woman stretching her relaxer for discovers her newgrowth and loses fear of it, for example. Anyway, any reponses are appreciated.

Enchantment,

I believe you're dead on to suggest we explore new language. It reminds me of the many incarnations of Black identity: Nig*er, Negro, Afro-American, Black, Black American, African American, of African descent, etc.

I know that the term "self-hate" is worn out and frankly, belittling when used as the catch-all in discussions of Black folk.

The same is true of "low self-esteem" being deemed the root cause of every female's issue.

At what point do we get to be individuals? Furthermore, I for one see all folks (regardless of their details) as my equal. So there is not way in heck I'm going to give them the power to be The Source (of my problems, my issues, my "self-hate"....whatever!)

I've shared this before but I'm gonna put it here...the story I share with my students every year. It may seem off the mark, but I think it's right on time.

Abbreviated, here it is:

A talented football team takes the field at the championship game...and falls apart. Despite the high hopes, they are failing and losing terribly. At half time everyone hits the locker room and The Blame Game begins: "Man, it's your fault. If you knew how to pass a damn ball, we'd be winning!!" "Me? Me?!!! If your hands could get a grip we'd wouldn't be losing this game!"

In the midst of the screaming and chaos, the coach calls for silence and says:

"The other coaches and I have looked over the first half, analyzed the game, and discovered the problem. We've put the problem down in the bottom of that first box over on the table. Next to it, in the second box, is the solution. I want everyone to line up, look inside the first box at the problem, get it in your head. Then, look inside the second box, check out the solution. Memorize it and let's get out here and WIN THIS GAME!"

The team lines up, looks into the two boxes, and, problem and solution in mind, go out and play their best game ever during the second half.

And of course, in the bottom of both boxes is the same thing: a mirror.

p1

 

[Enchantmt]

P1, that is a great story. We are often the source and solution to our own problems.

The other reason I think we need a new term is that for folx that wake up and realize the have been relaxing all their lives, or natural all their lives, and want to determine if their hair beliefs are their own, or simply what they have been taught, running into terms like "self hate", or seeing relaxed or natural as a determination of a degree of blackness, is enough to put up a wall and stop further self discovery. Again I'm not trying to convert folx to natural, only to get people to think, is coily hair undesireable or is it what I've been taught? Many people here have admitted they havent seen their natural hair since they were very young, and dont remember what it looks or feels like, so they dont have a basis beyond what they have been taught/told to say whether or not their natural hair is unmanageable or undesireable. They have little to no experience with it to truly form a like or dislike for it. Muse, I believe, said she grew up in a natural family with the belief that relaxed hair couldnt be healthy. With this board being stacked full of beatiful heads of healthy relaxed hair, we know this isnt true, but dividing what you been told from what you actually know isnt always easy. I tried to brain storm on my own, but couldnt come up with anything that still didnt infer that our hair was lacking in some manner. That in and of itself is sad and probably speaks volumes to this issue.

 

[Lotus]

Not in an effort to cease relaxing, but in an effort to recognize and affirm black beauty in all of it's different facets: light, dark, nappy, straight and in between. I want something that conveys the fact there is an issue to be addressed, but that we arent powerless to address it. I also think we need new affirmations. "I'm black and I'm proud" and "black is beautiful" is all well and good, but sometimes it seems like our perception of black beauty has been put in a box. (Yeah, black is beautiful but only if it has a, b and c.)

How about... Our hair is peculiar, peculiarly divine or divinely peculiar?

Peculiar:

Merriam- Webster

1 : characteristic of only one person, group, or thing
2 : different from the usual or normal

KJV Biblical context results:
http://www.biblegateway.com/quicksearch/?quicksearch=peculiar&qs_version=9

1. Exodus 19:5
   Now therefore, if ye will obey my voice indeed, and keep my covenant, then ye shall be a peculiar treasure unto me above all people: for all the earth is mine:
   Exodus 19:4-6 (in Context) Exodus 19 (Whole Chapter)
2. Deuteronomy 14:2
   For thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God, and the LORD hath chosen thee to be a peculiar people unto himself, above all the nations that are upon the earth.
   Deuteronomy 14:1-3 (in Context) Deuteronomy 14 (Whole Chapter)
3. Deuteronomy 26:18
   And the LORD hath avouched thee this day to be his peculiar people, as he hath promised thee, and that thou shouldest keep all his commandments;
   Deuteronomy 26:17-19 (in Context) Deuteronomy 26 (Whole Chapter)
4. Psalm 135:4
   For the LORD hath chosen Jacob unto himself, and Israel for his peculiar treasure.
   Psalm 135:3-5 (in Context) Psalm 135 (Whole Chapter)
5. Ecclesiastes 2:8
   I gathered me also silver and gold, and the peculiar treasure of kings and of the provinces: I gat me men singers and women singers, and the delights of the sons of men, as musical instruments, and that of all sorts.
   Ecclesiastes 2:7-9 (in Context) Ecclesiastes 2 (Whole Chapter)
6. Titus 2:14
   Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works.
   Titus 2:13-15 (in Context) Titus 2 (Whole Chapter)
7. 1 Peter 2:9
   But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light;
   1 Peter 2:8-10 (in Context) 1 Peter 2 (Whole Chapter)

Divine:

Merriam- Webster

1 a : of, relating to, or proceeding directly from God or a god <divine love> b : being a deity <the divine Savior> c : directed to a deity <divine worship>
2 a : supremely good : [SIZE=-1]SUPERB[/SIZE] <the pie was divine> b : [SIZE=-1]HEAVENLY[/SIZE], [SIZE=-1]GODLIKE[/SIZE]

1 : to discover by intuition or insight : [SIZE=-1]INFER[/SIZE] <divine the truth>
2 : to discover or locate (as water or minerals underground) usually by means of a divining rod
intransitive verb
1 : to practice divination : [SIZE=-1]PROPHESY[/SIZE]
2 : to perceive intuitively
synonym see [SIZE=-1]FORESEE[/SIZE]

 

[Bunny77]

You dont often get told you need to change when the cutural majority agrees with your selection. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I just have a vision of something that will spark the light of rediscovery. It happens to small degrees here... a woman stretching her relaxer for discovers her newgrowth and loses fear of it, for example. Anyway, any reponses are appreciated.

I liked Jewelle's suggestion of misunderstood. Because some of the others still have that underlying tone of inferiority, but I think misunderstood is perfect.

BTW, I liked this part of your post Enchantmt. I think that regardless of how you choose to wear your hair, natural/relaxed/whatever, you will not get the results you desire if you are operating out from a point of dislike of your natural hair... you may not love it, but you can at least like it or understand it.

As you said, folks who run to get a relaxer at the first sign of a new nap usually are going to be more prone to damage because they're going to overlap applications more often. Then you have the stylists who think that a perm should be applied to the entire head all the time simply because every strand isn't bone straight. Or those who think that because a client is 4Z, she needs the super-duper perm to get rid of those naps, when actually, a mild one might do the job just fine and damage her hair much less.

Most of the women on this board who go two months or longer with their touch-ups appear to have beautiful, thick and healthy-looking hair. Some choose not to relax it bone straight all the time and leave a little texture... which is also a healthier option. And their hair looks it!

By learning to manage their natural hair, even just for a short period, it's made their relaxed hair healthier. But if one cringes at the sight of every little strand of new growth, she's more likely to resort to damaging measures to get rid of her naps.

Anyway... I like misunderstood. And I hope that in our hair journeys, we can all get to the point where we at least accept (and not despise) what we have naturally, no matter how we eventually decide to style our hair in the end. The issue isn't really relaxed vs. natural (and I don't think it ever was, although some folks on both sides take it that way), it's learning to work with what you've got for the best overall results... and that applies to EVERY hairstyle!

 

[Minx]

I have been following this thread since it was first posted, waiting for a chance to jump in.....

Anyway, I like what someone else posted as a descriptor for our hair: "Divine". Just as the Creator intended it to be.

I also like the term "Original".

All humanity began in Africa over 200,000 years ago.
(No Europeans until about 35,000 years ago.)
Anthropologists have learned this through fossils,skeletons,DNA,etc.

I sometimes think that as folks of African descent living in the USA , we forget that we are the original people of this planet.
And everything about us is original including our hair.
There's something to be said for that.
Our uniqueness.... our collective individuality.

And if we don't want to think of our hair on that level, "original texture" is the texture that one has before one alters it in anyway
(chemicals or heat).


I'll be back later after I ponder this issue a little further....

dk

 

[kally]

Very good thread, because I do not hate myself and the word self hate is a powerful word and yes words are extremely powerful, I Love for the most part all of myself, I just have a hard time expecting the way my hair that is causing my self-esteem issues. I am very interested to see what we can come up with.

 

[kally]

As an artist, I look around and consider what I like best in nature: Coarse or smooth? Straight or kinky? Long or short? Matte or shiny? When the hedges grow too high or too much out of alignment, a gardener trims them back. We pull the wrinkles out of made beds so they look smooth and neat. We don't let the grass grow too high in our yards because it looks as if we don't care to keep it groomed. If we are naturally heavy, we work to lose some weight so that we can both look more in alignment and feel better. If God gave me a cleft palate, I could live with it--but I'd be grateful to a parent who saw fit to have it corrected. And I think these things correlate to attitudes about hair as well.

My natural hair reminds me of natural textures I do NOT inherently like. Does that mean I hate myself as a black person, or that I am influenced by white society to think they're right and I'm wrong? I don't see it as such. When people of any race look at simple shapes, most gravitate toward symmetry, balance. When I look at one of my long coiled strands of new growth, there is no symmetry and balance to its shape. Because it comes out of my body, because it's inherent to my race I am expected to adore it anyway, even if, were it not hair and merely a sketch on paper, I would sooner choose a straight line, or an evenly wavy one.

I think we biologically prefer shapes, colors and sizes that appeal to our innate desires for balance, symmetry and order. And although we are all to some degree influenced by the social climates around us and the legacy of oppression has resulted in a bevy of hair and race issues, I also think the preference for smoother hair is based, both in white and black culture, in nature itself, in a generic preference for things we touch or wear to be smooth and fine rather than rough and course, as part of our inherent love of order. If our preferences as humans were opposite these, we'd likely live in a world and design our environments filled with jagged edges, lopsides and much more random shapes, kinky hair would be king and the product aisles for Caucasian hair would be filled with chemicals to help them coil up their displeasingly smooth, straight locks.

Yes indeed. Very well put

 

[ebonylocs]

My natural hair reminds me of natural textures I do NOT inherently like. Does that mean I hate myself as a black person, or that I am influenced by white society to think they're right and I'm wrong? I don't see it as such. When people of any race look at simple shapes, most gravitate toward symmetry, balance. When I look at one of my long coiled strands of new growth, there is no symmetry and balance to its shape. Because it comes out of my body, because it's inherent to my race I am expected to adore it anyway, even if, were it not hair and merely a sketch on paper, I would sooner choose a straight line, or an evenly wavy one.

I think we biologically prefer shapes, colors and sizes that appeal to our innate desires for balance, symmetry and order. And although we are all to some degree influenced by the social climates around us and the legacy of oppression has resulted in a bevy of hair and race issues, I also think the preference for smoother hair is based, both in white and black culture, in nature itself, in a generic preference for things we touch or wear to be smooth and fine rather than rough and course, as part of our inherent love of order. If our preferences as humans were opposite these, we'd likely live in a world and design our environments filled with jagged edges, lopsides and much more random shapes, kinky hair would be king and the product aisles for Caucasian hair would be filled with chemicals to help them coil up their displeasingly smooth, straight locks.

Hmmm. I don't know. I see your perspective. However, I would say that it is a very personal , subjective, one.

There is nothing innately unsymmetrical, unbalanced, rough, random, coarse, jagged, lopsided etc etc about natural 4B hair. Definitely not any 4B hair I've seen. I too consider myself an artist (one of my many schizophrenic personalities). I love harmony and balance and I also genuinely adore kinky, nappy (whatever you want to call it) hair and think it is beautiful. To me, coils and kinks, a round afro, a puff, twists, cornrows - are not unsymmetrical and jagged. Instead, they are intricate and curvilinear forms.

Inspired by the recent debate, I was just thinking about this yesterday. I think, that yes, some people do despise their hair because of the impact of our history as black people. However, maybe sometimes it is simply an *individual* aesthetic preference. On the bus yesterday evening, I saw this black/mixed guy with coily black hair in twists/dreads, and my instant reaction was to go gaga and stare at him. The fact that his hair was not only healthy but had *texture* immediately made him stand out to me - more than anyone else in the bus. I decided to explore that. I looked around at other people's hair (I was in central London and surrounded by whites and indians). This one white woman had long glossy blondish hair - which I'm sure many people on this board would consider wonderful. And I looked at it and was just like, "Meh." To me it wasn't interesting, it lacked complexity, it lacked weight. It was boring. Simple aesthetic preference? Perhaps. I couldn't unearth the reasons why I prefer what I prefer - and I suspect most people can't.

When I look at my hair (when it was natural, and even now when I feel my new growth or see some of its natural texture when it's wet) its coils and kinks give me an intense, almost sensual pleasure. I would often take a strand my hair and look in awe at how it curved and bent - like the helix spiral of the DNA, I've heard someone say - how it tangled on itself. I think when you find something so undeniably beautiful, it is very difficult to understand how someone could think the exact opposite, unless something is "wrong" with them. I think that accounts for much of the animosity in this debate.

It's also unfortunate how people will often quickly take resort to the natural vs relaxed battlelines, and get on the defensive or the offensive - rather than dealing with the true subtleties of the discussion and truly engaging with what other parties say.

 

[sweetcashew]

As an artist, I look around and consider what I like best in nature: Coarse or smooth? Straight or kinky? Long or short? Matte or shiny? When the hedges grow too high or too much out of alignment, a gardener trims them back. We pull the wrinkles out of made beds so they look smooth and neat. We don't let the grass grow too high in our yards because it looks as if we don't care to keep it groomed. If we are naturally heavy, we work to lose some weight so that we can both look more in alignment and feel better. If God gave me a cleft palate, I could live with it--but I'd be grateful to a parent who saw fit to have it corrected. And I think these things correlate to attitudes about hair as well.

My natural hair reminds me of natural textures I do NOT inherently like. Does that mean I hate myself as a black person, or that I am influenced by white society to think they're right and I'm wrong? I don't see it as such. When people of any race look at simple shapes, most gravitate toward symmetry, balance. When I look at one of my long coiled strands of new growth, there is no symmetry and balance to its shape. Because it comes out of my body, because it's inherent to my race I am expected to adore it anyway, even if, were it not hair and merely a sketch on paper, I would sooner choose a straight line, or an evenly wavy one.

I think we biologically prefer shapes, colors and sizes that appeal to our innate desires for balance, symmetry and order. And although we are all to some degree influenced by the social climates around us and the legacy of oppression has resulted in a bevy of hair and race issues, I also think the preference for smoother hair is based, both in white and black culture, in nature itself, in a generic preference for things we touch or wear to be smooth and fine rather than rough and course, as part of our inherent love of order. If our preferences as humans were opposite these, we'd likely live in a world and design our environments filled with jagged edges, lopsides and much more random shapes, kinky hair would be king and the product aisles for Caucasian hair would be filled with chemicals to help them coil up their displeasingly smooth, straight locks.

Very well said. I wasn't going to participate in the thread because I'm pretty much tired of these debates coming up. But I think you summed it up perfectly.

 

[Enchantmt]

I'm glad just to get folx thinking and keep the dialogue going, but I hope we come up with something we can agree on. More than one thing even. I did some searching for synonyms and whatnot, but still couldnt find anything I liked. I'm at work now, since about 5am, and I'm working off of about 3 hours sleep, so dont expect too much deep thought from me today....

 

[DragonPearl]

Enchantment,

I believe you're dead on to suggest we explore new language. It reminds me of the many incarnations of Black identity: Nig*er, Negro, Afro-American, Black, Black American, African American, of African descent, etc.

I know that the term "self-hate" is worn out and frankly, belittling when used as the catch-all in discussions of Black folk.

The same is true of "low self-esteem" being deemed the root cause of every female's issue.
p1

Patient1, I need to stop quoting you all the time.

I agree with the thoughts expressed.

I think "self-hate" in regard to relaxing hair is overused and tired. It can be appropriate if the relaxed woman in question laid with only non-black men in order to have babies with a different grade of hair. I think self-hate would be correct if she went to the extreme of MJ and bleached her skin into near whiteness. I don't see the vast majority of relaxed black women doing this at all. In fact, though the typical Black woman in the US relaxes her hair, she does not bleach her skin into oblivion and is more likely to date within the race than outside.

 

[Kalani]

Thanks, ladies, for your kind and thoughtful responses to my earlier post, OT tho it was (my bad). I do want to clarify that the reference to the cleft is meant to address a broader issue of accepting whatever God gives you, not about defectiveness.

Back to the original issue--which I realized later I forgot to address--I was going to say "challenging" till I saw Patient1's suggestion for "complex." I like that.

While we did start straightening our hair because it was hated, I believe that does not discredit the value those who continue to relax find today in realizing that relaxers actually aid in managing texture. I think that for those who are passionate about history, they consider the origins and the history in their decision to not relax. For those who are focused on convenience, it's about something else; I doubt knowing how it started would make many women stop doing it.

I am one who has discovered a few things about her natural hair texture through stretching, and I'm not in love. Maybe we need to go out a few more times.

Yeah, you are right on point about us convenience seekers. You can give an eloquent explanation on how my relaxing has deeper roots into social issues and I will be like "I'll be darn! Very interesting! Great Point!" and afterward I will continue to relax. I don't see myself suddenly changing up my entire styling routine due to a historical/sociological discovery. Similar to how my vegan friends can never convert me, no matter how many animal cruelty facts they point out or health hazards. It can all be true and I do feel bad about that but....well, I love my meat and dairy!

 

[nurseN98]

How about... Our hair is peculiar, peculiarly divine or divinely peculiar?

I like this. I like this a lot! Something about calling our hair difficult or challenging or unwilling to conform standardly bothers me a lot. That's why I didn't participate in the other thread. (trying to maintain a constance peace & joy in my life so I stay out of threads that may have me yelling at the monitor )

I feel words like challenging or difficult apply only when we are not aware of the best things to do for our hair and if one's hair is 'difficult' at a certain point, it doesn't have to be forever. So to stamp that label on black people's hair just because it's our hair doesn't sit right with me.

On a side note, those words applied to my hair when I first BC'D and had to get reacquainted with it. But now, almost 2 years later, I can say my hair is not difficult to care for since I've learned what it likes and doesn't like.

My hair is divinely peculiar. Good post Lotus