Would you force your daughter to transition?

[MRJ1972]

In some of my previous threads I mentioned that I am transitioning my teenaged daughter to natural due to chemical damage. Her last relaxer was December 2008. At this point, she is frustrated and no longer interested in transitioning! erplexed

She wears scalp and box braids, and braid outs. We did ONE blow out but she didnt appreciate the blow torch on her head!

I agreed to transition along with her. I am wearing a sew in, and I allowed her to get an install this year but she was tired of having to blend the hair. ( She is 4b and we used a wet n wavy hair- so we did braid outs nightly on the leave out) The weather here is hot and humid so there is a lot of conversion by the end of the day. I told her that she may enjoy the transition better once the season changes .

My ultimate plan was for her to be a straight natural. ( weekly shampoo, condition and set- like Oprah)

So, I just wanted to get your opinions on this subject. Would you force your daughter to transition?

Thanks in advance!

 

[Barbie83]

interesting topic.....my mother did a BC on me when I was about 5 or 6, and I hated her for at least a week. But my hair grew back in thick and healthy; she knew what she was doing!

I'm interested to here other ladies chime in.....

 

[fyb87]

That is a very good question. Can't wait to read the responses. I have a son so I can't relate or even imagine. I guess I will go with this:

If I was paying for the upkeep of a relaxer then yes, I would make her transition especially if her hair was damaged. But, If she was paying for it then I wouldn't.

However, honestly I couldn't imagine relaxing my daughters (if I had one) hair period. I don't go to salons because I don't like them. Which means I would have to do it myself and that would not even begin to happen. When I relaxed my own head back in the day I only did it once a year out of sheer laziness!

Don't think I was much help. Sorry.

 

[msa]

Yes I'd force her to transition. But I would do it with styles she likes and are easy to keep up with. I'd be frustrated too if I had to worry about blending every single day. You should have had her leave out braided with some of the weave hair and then she wouldn't have had to blend.

Have her pick a style that's easy for her to keep up and isn't time consuming. And unless she wants to bc I'm sure she'll roll with it.

 

[shinyblackhair]

I'm thinking about it...my daughter is only 13 so I say it's different than as if she were 15. She has only had 2 texturizers.

 

[Bachelorette]

How old is she?

 

[Kerryann]

No i would not force her to transition but you are the mom and you know what is best.

I have a 3yrs old daughter and i promise myself i would never ever ever relax her hair

 

[TyHill21]

My story is very similar to you.

I think force is a harsh word but I would let her know that I wont be paying for anymore more relaxers and this is transitioning is how we are gonna get your hair to grow healthy.

I can relate to this, about a year ago (my daughter was 12 at the time). We could not figure out why was it so brittle and breaking off (we never put heat on it). So it started breaking off really bad to the point where she had a bald spot at the top of her head-well not really bald but it was a small spot of ng. At that point I was fed up like -that's it, im cutting it off and we are gonna keep you in braids.

She didnt like it but I will say this eventually within 3 months most of her relaxer broke completely off. Now she is all natural-she still likes cornrows or box braids. I straightened her hair for the first time in August and she is already NL.

She is my inspiration for transitiong-only thing is I hate braids!!!!
But im am gonna do it

Oh and let me add: I dont give her the option to wanting a relaxer she already know thats not happening until she is possibly 16ish

 

[beans4reezy]

Thank goodness for little boys!

 

[Maynard]

Yep.....

I would style her hair in a style that she wouldn't have to worry about blending and such.

 

[classychic1908]

I totally agree with MSA. As the mom you can say whether she is allowed to have a relaxer or not, but i think it's critical with a teen to keep the styles easy to manage and cute. I would get micro braids or other small box braids and let her wear them with wet and wavy hair if she likes that look. Take her shopping for some cute hair accessories and take extra care to point out beautiful heads of natural hair when you spot them, do whatever you can do to keep this transition from feeling like a punishment.

happy transitioning to both of you!

 

[SmartyPants]

How old is she? If this is a high school aged kid, this is not a hill I would die on. You're on LHCF with lots of healthy relaxed heads. I'm sure someone can help you come up with a regimen for helping her have healthy relaxed hair.

 

[shenitab]

I have two girls so this is an interesting question. We would have to have a talk about her hair and come up with a plan. I would ask her how she wants her hair to look and why. I have already had some hair conversations with my daughter - she is 7 now.
It sounds like your daughter isn't saying that she doesn't want to be natural - no way no how. It sounds like you two have not found a style that works for her yet. I think the braids are a good idea, as well as twists, roller sets, and also try an install without hair look out (these can look really fabulous).
I would probably encourage my daughter to transition and let her know that her hair needs a break from the relaxer anyway. We need to try and figure out what happened and how to get her hair strong and healthy.
Economically speaking, the best thing I ever learned how to do hair wise was to learn how to braid. I figured it out in high school. Necessity IS the mother of invention. I wanted my hair to look nice and lawd knows my mom and dad did not have the money to keep me and my sister in the salon. Maybe you and/or her can try and learn. Or you can try to find a good kitchen beautician or beauty school. I suggest that YOU be the guinea pig to make sure they know what they are doing first.
Anyway, I probably would softly force her to transition. Tell her that I love her and I do want her to like her hair but we should give the natural thang some more time to work it out.

 

[CandiedLipgloss]

My best friend did this to her daughter who is 13. She resents her mother so much because of this.

My friend pretty much stopped taking her to get a relaxer and get her hair done regularly. What's frustrating is that she hasn't educated herself on how to take care of her transitioning hair. So she leaves it up to the daughter to do her own hair. this results is a matted, dry, shedding mess.

Her daughter begs her to get it blow dried and flat ironed, but my friend refuses. She is natural herself, and is very militant. And has this mindset of 'not conforming to what society thinks is beautiful'. Her daughter goes to a predominantly white school, and she gets picked on constantly. Her hair is usually a mess, so that makes it worse. I try to talk my friend in at least compromising, but she doesn't want to hear it.

Lately she's been letting her get kinky twists, but the bullying and teasing at school hasn't stopped. Her daughter still begs for a relaxer, and now her family has resorted to 'telling off' my friend for 'doing that' to her hair.

Her hair hasn't grown much, and looks even worse than when it was relaxed.

 

[ladytee2]

Thank God I have boys. While I would listen to her frustration she could not tell me how to spend my money. So yeah I would force her espcially if she had damage. But I think it would be a great time to practice roller setting if she wants to where it straight. I would look at the whole experience as great bonding time for the two of you and a way to teach her healthy hair practices.

 

[MRJ1972]

She is 15 years old.

Yes, 'force' is a harsh word. I guess I am not really forcing her because I havent said transition or else!!!! But, she keeps complaining that she wants a relaxer and I continue to encourage her to stick with the transition so that we can get her healthy again!

She is very happy with the progress thus far, just frustrated with all the work that it takes ( detangling is a big chore for us) and with the heat and humidity when it frizzes her hair.

I can braid really well so I do all the styling ( she even has her friends asking me to braid their hair...LOL) ....I think microbraids are next on the list!!!

ETA: the reason for the transition is because of chemical damage. The stylist left relaxer in the back of her head and it was not until I said no more relaxers, did her hair start to grow back. ( almost 2 years!!!!)

 

[dicapr]

This is from another point of view. My mom forced my to remain natural until I was 16 years old because of all of the problems a relaxer can cause. And to tell you the truth, I ended up hating my hair. I live in the south and my pressing would revert the first day. I couldn't wear any of the cute styles ect. In high school you want to be sytlish but you can't trying to do straight styles on hair that has reverted before 1st period. It actually made me more determined than ever to relax. Hair grows back. Having your daughter learn to hate something about herself during her formative years is lasting and something that has to be unlearned. I would give her the option. From my own experience I would let her relax. The damaged hair has probably been cut off and she is starting with an new healthy head of hair. I would teach her how to stretch her relaxers, about DC, ect. She can always transition again later.

 

[Shananyganz]

I agree with MSA as to having your daughter transition with styles she wouldn't take a disliking to. I've done the sew-in with micros in the front deal while transitioning and I personally, I liked it. I did not have to worry about blending textures and I had a cute, convenient style that wasn't time consuming.

Have you talked about your goals for her hair to see if they line up with her goals? Or better yet, does she even have any goals for her hair. Sometimes when we don't have the 'vision' or a plan as to how we are going to get there, the journey in and of itself is half hazard and all over the place. I would sit down and have a discussion with her, maybe show her a few things you learned from the forums and fotki (the good, the bad, and the ugly). Maybe it needs to be clear(er) to her why she is transitioning.

From what you mentioned, she has been transitioning for almost a year; I got frustrated and BC'ed a little shy of 6 months. I appears that she has arrived at that stage where it just doesn't seem worth it. The stage where she we can't see past the relaxed ends. Even when you are mentally prepared for a long transition, frustration can set in. If she has enough new growth, she can BC and still where braids (individuals, twists, cornrows, sew-in combinations..careful on the edges) for a time until she is cozy with the length to be start to straighten her hair.

Oh, btw, no I don't have a daughter as of yet, I have a little sister (19 now) and we went/go through the same with all things hair. Right now we are on sabbatical regarding hair...lol.

-S-

 

[ellehair]

I would encourage her to transition especially being that you know whats best for her hair. I dont plan on ever relaxing my 2 DD's hair and if they ever choose to relax it will be well after leaving the nest, lol My cousin's DD hair just went from apl to ear length over the last 7 months.. That was enough for me.. even though I am relaxed I am so accustomed to it. If they have never been, I feel like its no reason to start now..

 

[ladytee2]

My best friend did this to her daughter who is 13. She resents her mother so much because of this.

My friend pretty much stopped taking her to get a relaxer and get her hair done regularly. What's frustrating is that she hasn't educated herself on how to take care of her transitioning hair. So she leaves it up to the daughter to do her own hair. this results is a matted, dry, shedding mess.

Her daughter begs her to get it blow dried and flat ironed, but my friend refuses. She is natural herself, and is very militant. And has this mindset of 'not conforming to what society thinks is beautiful'. Her daughter goes to a predominantly white school, and she gets picked on constantly. Her hair is usually a mess, so that makes it worse. I try to talk my friend in at least compromising, but she doesn't want to hear it.

Lately she's been letting her get kinky twists, but the bullying and teasing at school hasn't stopped. Her daughter still begs for a relaxer, and now her family has resorted to 'telling off' my friend for 'doing that' to her hair.

Her hair hasn't grown much, and looks even worse than when it was relaxed.

Oh man now that sucks. I feel bad for her. Have you directed the daughter to LHCF and hair blogs so she can learn to care for her own hair? Kids can be so cruel this makes me sad for her. She is at the age that this could really affect her self esteem.

 

[CandiedLipgloss]

Oh man now that sucks. I feel bad for her. Have you directed the daughter to LHCF and hair blogs so she can learn to care for her own hair? Kids can be so cruel this makes me sad for her. She is at the age that this could really affect her self esteem.

exactly, it totally affects her right now. and she is a bit darker, so they call her names like midnite and blackie,nappy head. sigh. im not in the same state as them, so i can't help physically.
i did tell her of the forum, but she's not interested. and she also monitors her daughters computer activity, which she should, but it always goes back to square one of the daughter asking for a relaxer/blow out etc. its no getting through to the mother.

 

[TyHill21]

This is from another point of view. My mom forced my to remain natural until I was 16 years old because of all of the problems a relaxer can cause. And to tell you the truth, I ended up hating my hair. I live in the south and my pressing would revert the first day. I couldn't wear any of the cute styles ect. In high school you want to be sytlish but you can't trying to do straight styles on hair that has reverted before 1st period. It actually made me more determined than ever to relax. Hair grows back. Having your daughter learn to hate something about herself during her formative years is lasting and something that has to be unlearned. I would give her the option. From my own experience I would let her relax. The damaged hair has probably been cut off and she is starting with an new healthy head of hair. I would teach her how to stretch her relaxers, about DC, ect. She can always transition again later.

I did not get a relaxer until I was 16 either and I had the same problem-hell by the time I left the shop and walked outside it was frizzed up again. I did hate pressing my hair also-I just kept them in ponytails.

I do agree with you on that you do not want her to HATE her hair. I think the cute styles should be good (maybe that can prolong her "natural-ness".

 

[winnettag]

My best friend did this to her daughter who is 13. She resents her mother so much because of this.

My friend pretty much stopped taking her to get a relaxer and get her hair done regularly. What's frustrating is that she hasn't educated herself on how to take care of her transitioning hair. So she leaves it up to the daughter to do her own hair. this results is a matted, dry, shedding mess.

Her daughter begs her to get it blow dried and flat ironed, but my friend refuses. She is natural herself, and is very militant. And has this mindset of 'not conforming to what society thinks is beautiful'. Her daughter goes to a predominantly white school, and she gets picked on constantly. Her hair is usually a mess, so that makes it worse. I try to talk my friend in at least compromising, but she doesn't want to hear it.

Lately she's been letting her get kinky twists, but the bullying and teasing at school hasn't stopped. Her daughter still begs for a relaxer, and now her family has resorted to 'telling off' my friend for 'doing that' to her hair.

Her hair hasn't grown much, and looks even worse than when it was relaxed.

That's terrible .
If you're going to force a child to be natural , the least you can do is help them get the tools and knowledge to keep it healthy and style it.
I feel sorry for that girl and I would feel resentful too. I hope they can work something out soon.

ETA: OP, like the other ladies said, it just sounds like you two still need to find a style that works for her. Technically, she is a minor and you definitely have a....strong say in that department....among others
I don't see a problem with it, especially since she doesnt hate the idea.
Good luck to you!

 

[TyHill21]

My best friend did this to her daughter who is 13. She resents her mother so much because of this.

My friend pretty much stopped taking her to get a relaxer and get her hair done regularly. What's frustrating is that she hasn't educated herself on how to take care of her transitioning hair. So she leaves it up to the daughter to do her own hair. this results is a matted, dry, shedding mess.

Her daughter begs her to get it blow dried and flat ironed, but my friend refuses. She is natural herself, and is very militant. And has this mindset of 'not conforming to what society thinks is beautiful'. Her daughter goes to a predominantly white school, and she gets picked on constantly. Her hair is usually a mess, so that makes it worse. I try to talk my friend in at least compromising, but she doesn't want to hear it.

Lately she's been letting her get kinky twists, but the bullying and teasing at school hasn't stopped. Her daughter still begs for a relaxer, and now her family has resorted to 'telling off' my friend for 'doing that' to her hair.

Her hair hasn't grown much, and looks even worse than when it was relaxed.

That's so sad-children are so mean sometimes!! Have you told your friend about the board?

 

[bgsix]

This is a tough one. I think if she is not feeling the transition then it will cause her to resent her hair and you too, OP. While I agree you are the mother and knows what is best -she is in the crucial high school years and self esteem issues may come into play.

Can you guys agree on a happy medium? Maybe texlax her hair a couple times a year.

 

[poookie]

nope, i wouldn't FORCE her. just like i wouldn't FORCE a relaxer on her. ultimately, it's her hair, and is her choice.

however, i have no intention of relaxing my future daughter's hair from the get-go. if she decides that she wants her hair permanently straightened, and she can demonstrate to me that she's responsible and mature enough to maintain it, then i'll allow her to get one.

ideally, i want my children to be natural all their lives, but hey, it's THEIR hair! + i don't want them resenting me the way i resent my mother, for FORCING something on me (a relaxer) at an age where i was too young to have any say.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

I say don't force anything on her. Be the first example of natural beauty for your daughter and most likely eventually she'll go natural as well in her own time My mom has proudly rocked her fro her entire life (except for a brief period where my aunt got a hold of both our heads claiming authority because she was a licensed "beautician") so she was my first example of natural beauty growing up, she never wanted me to get a perm and always tolld me my natural hair was absolutely gorgeous in its own and that remained ingrained in me.

When I got to the 10th grade and was pretty much the last natural girl I got tired of people asking me "when are you gonna perm" and buckled under the pressure of wanting to be "down" I was permed about 4 years out of my life and decided to transition and go natural once and for all when I started college and I've been natural ever since

As much as I feel it was my decision I think the fact that I've always had a mother that proudly embraced her natural beauty had a huge impact and helped me to have the courage to do so as well.

So maybe you might want to wear your own hair out some more and show her what you can do with your textured hair, maybe you should show her some fotki's of what natural women can do with their hair, try to inspire her and not force her to do anything. Also, styling options are not the same in all parts of the country, people who live in mostly dry climates like Oprah, can be straightened naturals with no problem, like me, I live in NY and half the year is the winter / fall so my hair holds a press & flat-iron with no issues but if I lived in a hotter climate, I'd have to try some different styling options then that, during the summer I switch over to more air-dry natural styles.

Maybe you can have her get tree braids that can really help her transition and you dont have to worry about blending at all. Just reassure her that its normal to want to go back to the creamy crack when you're having a hard time with the two textures but just tell her to keep her eye on the prize and show her some fab naturals like Rustic Beauty, Sera, Mwedzi, PinkSkates etc.....Also be prepared for the fact that she may not be at a place in her life that she's ready.....for me I wasn't ready till I started college. Be the change you want to see in her and in the end everything will work out

 

[TyHill21]

nope, i wouldn't FORCE her. just like i wouldn't FORCE a relaxer on her. ultimately, it's her hair, and is her choice.

however, i have no intention of relaxing my future daughter's hair from the get-go. if she decides that she wants her hair permanently straightened, and she can demonstrate to me that she's responsible and mature enough to maintain it, then i'll allow her to get one.

ideally, i want my children to be natural all their lives, but hey, it's THEIR hair! + i don't want them resenting me the way i resent my mother, for FORCING something on me (a relaxer) at an age where i was too young to have any say.

Thats another thing: I want her to know her hair, know what her hair needs. I am learning and I am informing her.

 

[gymfreak336]

Force her....No.
Encourage her....yes

 

[JayAnn0513]

at 15? Probably not. I'd just find a stylist here to take her to. If she were 12 and under she would be transitioning in braids or kinky twist.