What age do you relax a childs hair???

[PearlyCurly]

I COULD NOT AGREE MORE! My hair was relaxed as a child and my mother put herself on the backburner. My sister and I had much healthier hair than my mother. My poor mom developed carpal tunnel from doing my hair relaxed so I can imagine it natural. And I think we try to prevent things that will not necessarily occur. Did I feel any less black as a child? No. Am I scarred? No Do I hate myself and wish I was white? No.

I think i am developing carpal tunnel from doing my own hair
My hair was also tough as a child when it was fully relax! I deff' know what my mom was going through...especially since she thought a child without their hair done is an abomination

I think you should do anything you want to your childs hair as long as you are taking care of it. Im the type of person that thinks its just hair and your hair doesnt define the person you are! I do not believe if you straighten or relax your hair that means you do not love yourself(or your hair) but of course their are others that disagree, rightfully so.

 

[qchelle]

What age would I relax my hypothetical childs hair? Most likely never. If she wanted it straight all the time, we would heat train it...no sooner than 15 yrs old. And then she's probably gonna want color too, eventually, because well...who doesn't want color? And that's just too many chemicals IMO...when you can just heat train it.

My mom relaxed my hair when I was 4 I'm transitioning now...and I really don't understand why she did it I mean yea my hair is nappy (4a/4b), but it's really not that hard to do...and it wasn't like my hair was long or thick when she relaxed it. Meh. Oh, I never wanted to be white ( ) and I don't hate my mommy, but I still wished she never would've relaxed it.

 

[qchelle]

When I feel like they are old enough to make that decision on their own. They're just certain things I feel that children should be allowed to decide for themselves. I feel the same way about ear piercings.

I got my first chemical treatment at the age of four. I understand that for some it just may be easier to straighten their child's hair. A lot of bw have never had to deal with their own hair in its natural state so to try and deal with a restless child with natural hair can be overwhelming.

For me to be able to allow my daughter to relax her hair she would need to be able to have an adult conversation with me about reality of what she plans to do with her hair. We would discuss the pros and cons of her decision and she would need to be able to give me a better reason than all my friends have relaxed hair.

I would also like for her to become knowledgeable about caring for relaxed hair BEFORE she did the process. Too many times people do things to their hair (relax, or go natural) in haste and then go "OK.... now what?"

What would you consider a good enough reason?

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

So whats the difference between special occasions & random times?? Isnt that almost the same thing, but without Xmas lights? ..what would you explain to her on why you are straightening her hair at that time?
I get the whole "Ultimate prize" thing but.. How would you differentiate "Ultimate Prize" and "Just because" to her?

I would say straightening only to get a solid even trim, or as just another style among many. I really like the way alot of the moms on the childrens forum do practically heat free reggies on their girls, learned to style their hair painlessly and grew it to waist. I want my future daughter to view straight hair as just one among a myriad of styles she can explore. I wont place straight hair on a pedestal and only do it on the most important days of the year. From my experience it sends the wrong message.

I think some folks in here are seriously in denial to think that relaxing a little black girls hair has no impact on her self-image whatsoever. I guess it's easier to live with your decisions if you convince yourself that's it's "not that serious".

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[~Sparklingflame~]

I know for me in my house, its not that serious. It wasnt that serious growing up either. IMO we wrap entirely TOO much into ones hair. ENTIRELY too much. Sending out signals that you arent good enough b/c you get your hair straitened either chemically or otherwise as a child ALONE will scar their self esteem? I think not. How do I know? I have lived it myself. You have to instill self worth and value in your child and teach them they are the bomb no matter WHAT regardless to weather or not your hair has a kink in it.

I have said this before, growing up with a relaxer didnt scar me, make me feel less than, make me have low self esteem, make me feel like I wasnt good enough as is, ect. Those thoughts never even crossed my mind. Why? Because no one ever put those thoughts in my mind.

Teach your children. Whats on their heads wont even matter if you put something of value IN their heads.

IMO.

 

[SuchaLady]

PearlyCurly I agree too! And I am finally realizing I cant do my own hair. In fact I need to make me a hair appointment now.

 

[SuchaLady]

Being natural is NOT a life lesson. Having relaxed/straightened hair should not be associated with a certain skin color nor self hatred and honestly is a bit silly. If you relate one thing to skin color you may as well relate everything right? You cant just pick and choose the race and self hatred card when it fits your arguement.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Who brought up skin color?

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[NikStarrr]

I'd gotten relaxed at age 12. I'd asked for it. I didn't grow up with any inadequacies or any self-esteem issues related to hair because of it. Hair wasn't such a BIG DEAL. Some of these die hard naturals seem as though they mean well when it comes to their daughters/future daughters--but sometimes TOO much emphasis in either direction isn't healthy period. Relating all of these internal issues with hair whether natural or relaxed could give a child an unhealthy preoccupation with it. I'd rather my kid worry about other things... I mean, I hope people are as forceful with physical fitness/healthy living, for ex, with their kids as they seem to plan to be when it comes to healthy hair.

I know for me in my house, its not that serious. It wasnt that serious growing up either. IMO we wrap entirely TOO much into ones hair. ENTIRELY too much. Sending out signals that you arent good enough b/c you get your hair straitened either chemically or otherwise as a child ALONE will scar their self esteem? I think not. How do I know? I have lived it myself. You have to instill self worth and value in your child and teach them they are the bomb no matter WHAT regardless to weather or not your hair has a kink in it.

I have said this before, growing up with a relaxer didnt scar me, make me feel less than, make me have low self esteem, make me feel like I wasnt good enough as is, ect. Those thoughts never even crossed my mind. Why? Because no one ever put those thoughts in my mind.

Teach your children. Whats on their heads wont even matter if you put something of value IN their heads.

IMO.

 

[smoothie696]

I would say straightening only to get a solid even trim, or as just another style among many. I really like the way alot of the moms on the childrens forum do practically heat free reggies on their girls, learned to style their hair painlessly and grew it to waist. I want my future daughter to view straight hair as just one among a myriad of styles she can explore. I wont place straight hair on a pedestal and only do it on the most important days of the year. From my experience it sends the wrong message.

I think some folks in here are seriously in denial to think that relaxing a little black girls hair has no impact on her self-image whatsoever. I guess it's easier to live with your decisions if you convince yourself that's it's "not that serious".

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Well I guess it's all on how you are raised and how you feel on the issue. Cause like I said I had a perm at an early age and it had no impact on my self-image what so ever. I think if you don't want to perm your Childs hair fine, but about us being in denial I think is taking it to far. Different strokes for different folks. Everyone doesn't have to agree, but I don't see the need to pass judgement or assumptions.

 

[Dayjoy]

While I want my daughter to love all parts of herself, including her hair, I also want her to see that many of the style choices she will make in life will mean nothing more than what she wanted to look at THAT DAY. I want her to have as much fun with her hair (and clothes, shoes, one day nail polish and makeup) as she can. For her it seems to mean a beach ball sized braid out one day, flowing box braids another day, twists for shaking, and sometimes, straight hair that blows in the wind. She is versatile and so is her hair. I want her to leave my house for college at 18 natural, but if she choose around--oh, I don't know, 15--that she wants it straighter most of the time, we'll talk. But that talk won't include the terms "self-hate" or "identity." She is the same person when she wears jeans and a tee shirt versus her tulle skirts and sequined tops and she'll be the same smart, funny, sweet, talented, strong girl she is whatever style her hair is in. SHE IS NOT HER HAIR.

 

[PearlyCurly]

I would say straightening only to get a solid even trim, or as just another style among many. I really like the way alot of the moms on the childrens forum do practically heat free reggies on their girls, learned to style their hair painlessly and grew it to waist. I want my future daughter to view straight hair as just one among a myriad of styles she can explore. I wont place straight hair on a pedestal and only do it on the most important days of the year. From my experience it sends the wrong message.

I think some folks in here are seriously in denial to think that relaxing a little black girls hair has no impact on her self-image whatsoever. I guess it's easier to live with your decisions if you convince yourself that's it's "not that serious".

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Thanks for answering me!

But to me its not that serious. And i can honestly say that I grew up with my mom believing in "Good Hair". And that the reason why some black ppl have long hair is either because of A- They are mixed. B-They have good hair. C-Dirt made it that way.
I also grew up with my family believing that being gay is not right, Talking like you have an education is acting like a white girl, All White ppl dont know how to cook, You can have tons of kids & not take care of them, Eating healthy food is not right by any means, Drinking under the age of 21 is fine & dandy..i have very crazy family so i could keep going

But guess what? I do not believe in that stuff. No matter how much i was told/saw that, i still do not believe in that crap.

Just because you grew up a certain way does not mean you have to continue to be that way.
If you make your child grow up with natural hair that does not mean they are going to grow up loving their hair or their selves.

To me hair is just hair. Im sorry but you cannot tell me that styling your childs hair a certain way is going to define the person that they are going to be.

 

[LuvlyRain3]

What would you consider a good enough reason?

If it was something that she decided because it what she feels is best for her than cool but I don't want my daughter to get caught up in something just because she doesn't have it. Children always want things that they see their friends with. Sometimes that's OK but when it comes to something that is on your body I think a little more thought should go into it. I would be concerned about the overall health of my child's hair than anything though.

 

[SuchaLady]

Who brought up skin color?

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Being white /lighter is commonly associated with straight hair.

OT. Ive been wanting to tell you for forever that your body is BANGING in that siggy pic! #NoHomo

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

to you suchalady!

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[shunemite]

I don't have any advice, I'm gonna say never, buuuttt... I'm not a mother so I shouldn't judge from these shoes. Unfortunately I silently judge other mothers' parenting skills when I see their kids running around with messy untidy hair. I also silently think it's ridiculous when I see a 4 year old running around with relaxed hair. But I didn't have to stay up all night changing diapers, working two jobs, making sandwiches etc etc. To the OP, reading your post has helped me to be less judgmental and more understanding.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Thanks for answering me!

But to me its not that serious. And i can honestly say that I grew up with my mom believing in "Good Hair". And that the reason why some black ppl have long hair is either because of A- They are mixed. B-They have good hair. C-Dirt made it that way.
I also grew up with my family believing that being gay is not right, Talking like you have an education is acting like a white girl, All White ppl dont know how to cook, You can have tons of kids & not take care of them, Eating healthy food is not right by any means, Drinking under the age of 21 is fine & dandy..i have very crazy family so i could keep going

But guess what? I do not believe in that stuff. No matter how much i was told/saw that, i still do not believe in that crap.

Just because you grew up a certain way does not mean you have to continue to be that way.
If you make your child grow up with natural hair that does not mean they are going to grow up loving their hair or their selves.

To me hair is just hair. Im sorry but you cannot tell me that styling your childs hair a certain way is going to define the person that they are going to be.

Hey Pearly I feel you, communicating through posts is tough, if it were irl I'dve already said that of course keeping the Childs hair natural has to be married with a myriad of other positive influences but we're talking via posts so that's hard to do

You made an excellent point about overcoming the thinking of your upbringing. Ah well, I gave my 2 cents

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[SimplyBlessed]

I don't understand...i do my dd's hair everyday if need be...yea its time consuming but oh well...

And managable? It came out their scalp

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[mischka]

Hilarious to see so many people say relaxed hair is not that deep when as a culture we suffer from self hatred issues rejecting the way our features are naturally created. Whoever heard of an entire culture of women using harsh chemicals to alter their natural hair so that it looks like something it's not to the point where the hair that comes out of her scalp is an anomaly to others, and yet the messages we send to each other and our children reinforcing the rejection of our features is 'not that deep.'

Hilarious, and disgusting, to me, but each their own, I guess....

 

[smoothie696]

Hilarious to see so many people say relaxed hair is not that deep when as a culture we suffer from self hatred issues rejecting the way our features are naturally created. Whoever heard of an entire culture of women using harsh chemicals to alter their natural hair so that it looks like something it's not to the point where the hair that comes out of her scalp is an anomaly to others, and yet the messages we send to each other and our children reinforcing the rejection of our features is 'not that deep.'

Hilarious, and disgusting, to me, but each their own, I guess....

I hear you but I don't agree. Whites do the same thing. Bleaching their hair blonde in huge masses, wearing colored contacts, weaves, tanning, butt, and lip injections. Getting a relaxer has nothing to do with self hate and if you want to call it that than every race experience self hate since we all alter ourselves in one way or another. It amazes me how closed minded people can be on this subject. It's like if we don't see it "your" way we the crazy ones. Really??? Umm ok. Once again we don't have to agree and everyone is not. But why the harsh judgments and assumptions???

 

[mzteaze]

My mom was not a woman who knew or understood how to style hair. She also did not have the patience to do so, so I had relaxed hair at an early age (somewhere around 8 or so). If I had a child, my first inclination would be to say, no I would not relax her hair. But time and circumstances all come to play. I have the time now to do my own natural hair. Perhaps as a parent, I might not have the time, opportunity or circumstance to do that with my child. For those reasons, I cannot speak poorly of other parents who choose to relax the hair of their daughters. Its a highly personal decision for any number of reasons. I just hope that the same amount of time and research is performed before making such a difficult decision.

 

[mischka]

I don't think anyone's crazy or that anyone needs to agree with me. The problem for me is not that people alter the way they look. The occasional relaxer would be no problem imo. But when you have an entire culture of people where changing their looks in this way is the norm, and rocking your natural features, in this case hair, is an anomaly, then that's a problem. There's a reason why people don't blink twice at putting chemicals in a little girl's hair who may be only three years old. There's a reason why for most little black girls getting a relaxer is an inevitable rite of passage. There's a reason people assume black women can't grow long hair, and why long or natural hair on a black woman is viewed as astonishing and out of the ordinary. None of those reasons are positive in my opinion and they all signify in my opinion maladaptive thought processes and rejection of the self.

But whatever. I actually came back into this post hoping to edit that reply before anyone replied to it because I didn't want to start a natural vs relaxed fight. Still, that is how I feel about the matter.

 

[smoothie696]

I don't think anyone's crazy or that anyone needs to agree with me. The problem for me is not that people alter the way they look. The occasional relaxer would be no problem imo. But when you have an entire culture of people where changing their looks in this way is the norm, and rocking your natural features, in this case hair, is an anomaly, then that's a problem. There's a reason why people don't blink twice at putting chemicals in a little girl's hair who may be only three years old. There's a reason why for most little black girls getting a relaxer is an inevitable rite of passage. There's a reason people assume black women can't grow long hair, and why long or natural hair on a black woman is viewed as astonishing and out of the ordinary. None of those reasons are positive in my opinion and they all signify in my opinion maladaptive thought processes and rejection of the self.

But whatever. I actually came back into this post hoping to edit that reply before anyone replied to it because I didn't want to start a natural vs relaxed fight. Still, that is how I feel about the matter.

I hear you. But I don't think it's that deep because to me it's a fade. Just like weaves, and Lacefront wigs are big right now. In the 60's and 70's they were all about the Afros and now the fade has turned to relaxers. I'm seeing a trend back to natural. To me, that's y it's not that deep. To me it's not a deep rooted problem based on race it's more a social norm to me across the board regardless of race. Every race these days wears weave or keeps their hair straight (not all, but its a huge trend) Watch in 25 years it will be something else. But we can agree to disagree.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Preach MsChka preach! Wish I could thank posts from this app

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[mischka]

Every race these days wears weave or keeps their hair straight (not all, but its a huge trend)

That's because every other race of women already has straight hair. Yeah some ethnicities of white have curly hair, but no other ethnicity has hair that looks like ours. Instead of rocking it, we choose to make ours look like theirs instead.

 

[smoothie696]

That's because every other race of women already has straight hair. Yeah some ethnicities of white have curly hair, but no other ethnicity has hair that looks like ours. Instead of rocking it, we choose to make ours look like theirs instead.

But what's hairs like ours cause as you can see by this board, our hair comes in all sorts of textures. I have black friends with 1b hair and white friends with 3c hair. So I don't the see argument here. All of this is subjective.

 

[mischka]

But what's hairs like ours cause as you can see by this board, our hair comes in all sorts of textures. I have black friends with 1b hair and white friends with 3c hair. So I don't the see argument here. All of this is subjective.

I have no interest in pretending that on average black people generally do not have tightly coiled or kinky hair. I am not even going to hypothetically suppose that it is the norm to see a black woman with hair looser than 3c. I see no point in pretending that's the case.

 

[smoothie696]

I have no interest in pretending that on average black people generally do not have tightly coiled or kinky hair. I am not even going to hypothetically suppose that it is the norm to see a black woman with hair looser than 3c. I see no point in pretending that's the case.

Lol ok. I'm leave it alone. I have stated my opinion and you have stated yours and we are just not going to see each others points. Cool beans. Happy Tuesday!

 

[IMFOCSD]

I can't tell other people what to do, but for me, I wouldn't relax my daughter's hair. She is 4a/b, she cries when she gets it braided(she hates it), there are fusses over it, but I put it in a style where she can wear for weeks at a time because of it.
I never had a relaxer until I went out and got one in high school and it is because of that I knew what my hair texture was and have embraced it. I think girls need to know what they are working with first before they decide what to permenantly do with their hair. Besides as someone has mentioned here, I want dd to have very long natural hair, something what won't be achieved with a relaxer, IMHO.

Huh? You are kidding right?? erplexed Is there not enough proof on this board that women can have beautiful long relaxed hair jus like women can have long natural hair? I seen too much proof to think otherwise. If a mother is educated enough about haircare little girls can have long relaxed (or natural) hair too..jussayin.

 

[NikStarrr]

So you are putting the weight of our cultural ills on your daughters head?

I don't think anyone's crazy or that anyone needs to agree with me. The problem for me is not that people alter the way they look. The occasional relaxer would be no problem imo. But when you have an entire culture of people where changing their looks in this way is the norm, and rocking your natural features, in this case hair, is an anomaly, then that's a problem. There's a reason why people don't blink twice at putting chemicals in a little girl's hair who may be only three years old. There's a reason why for most little black girls getting a relaxer is an inevitable rite of passage. There's a reason people assume black women can't grow long hair, and why long or natural hair on a black woman is viewed as astonishing and out of the ordinary. None of those reasons are positive in my opinion and they all signify in my opinion maladaptive thought processes and rejection of the self.

But whatever. I actually came back into this post hoping to edit that reply before anyone replied to it because I didn't want to start a natural vs relaxed fight. Still, that is how I feel about the matter.