Why Are People Afraid to Speak Up or Walk Out of Salons???

[Alpha Female]

I'm just reflecting on several threads I've read over the months where ladies were receiving services at salons, and got trims/cuts they didn't even want or where more than they wanted was cut off...and they were left in anger, shock and tears.

How in the heck does this happen?! erplexed How does someone pick up scissors and start cutting YOUR hair without you even knowing?! I've never had this happen because I tell my hairstylist when I want a trim, how much to trim, and then I watch her like a hawk the entire time. Even if you're turned from the mirror, you can 'feel' where she's cutting your hair and get a sense of if it's too much or not. And after a few times of doing this, she's learned a 'dusting' is all she'd better be taking off or there will be hell to pay. And then even if your hairstylist snips a little too much that first snip, you can stop and correct her right then and there (IMO, better to have a small section at a different length than to lose ALL your length)!

Are people afraid to speak up at salons? Afraid to walk out if they're not receiving the services they requested or if that service isn't being performed to their satisfaction? Really, I'm curious as to how this happens, and why people don't speak up and stop it as soon as they realize it's occurring?

 

[KiniKakes]

I think what you're describing is ideal, and in theory it's what we all should do. But that's easier said than done.

For many women, "walking out," or giving your stylist a piece of your mind, takes a level of bravado that we just haven't mastered yet. I would personally love to do this, but not sure if I am assertive/courageous enough. I think Supergirl's thread the other day about how she left was very inspiring for many of us, because we saw how it could be done in a polite and tasteful way. But even still, i know that wasn't easy for her to do.

Then, if this is your regular salon, some folks may have concerns surrounding that (Should I ever come back? Have I burned this bridge? Do I find another stylist within this salon, or switch altogether? Etc.)

Like yourself, I am VERY explicit about how much i want trimmed.... and i also watch them like a hawk so as to avoid any mishaps. Speaking up isn't a problem for me. Even still, I have gotten lopsided cuts and botched trims on occasion. At the end of the day, yes, it's your hair, and you are entitled to walk out if you choose. But i dont know that the reality for many women (myself included) is that cut and dried.

 

[gone_fishing]

Unfortunately, I think our "home training" sometimes works against us. Women, in general, are often worried about offending, etc. (more diffuclt to accept offending someone in real life than on a message board) and we may be worried about burning our bridges. We feel like telling them they are doing something wrong is insulting them since they are supposed to be professionals at their job.

Women also tend to do this with other professionals. Doctors, dentists, etc. We may have a valid concern but when a doctor says, "you're okay" we squash that concern and say well....when we really should have said NO DOC, run tests.

Frankly, we ought not have a bridge to a stylist OR doctor who isn't willing to follow our desires (if they are in our best interest).

It's a different relationship because many of us have a personal relationship with our hair stylists, they know us, they may know our relatives, etc. and for that reason we don't want to be rude (even though asking for what you want is not rude).

It's STILL a service and we should treat them just the way we would treat a cashier who rang up our order incorrectly, imo.

You want what you paid for, nothing more, nothing less.

There have been a few times when I sat in the chair at the mercy of my scissor happy stylist and I gradually had to learn to speak up in a firm but polite way. Sometimes it's not fair to them to be mad if you haven't told them you have an issue with the way they do something.

I think if you tell them and they ignore you, it's definitely time to find a new stylist - unfortunately some of us don't realize this untl they've taken off 3 inches of hair or caused you to lose half of it through over processing or overusage of heat.

 

[KiniKakes]

Unfortunately, I think our "home training" sometimes works against us. Women, in general, are often worried about offending, etc. (more diffuclt to accept offending someone in real life than on a message board) and we may be worried about burning our bridges.

Frankly, we ought not have a bridge to a stylist who isn't willing to follow our desires.

It's a different relationship because many of us have a personal relationship with our hair stylists, they know us, they may know our relatives, etc. and for that reason we don't want to be rude (even though asking for what you want is not rude).

It's STILL a service and we should treat them just the way we would treat a cashier who rang up our order incorrectly, imo.

You want what you paid for, nothing more, nothing less.

There have been a few times when I sat in the chair at the mercy of my scissor happy stylist and I gradually had to learn to speak up in a firm but polite way. Sometimes it's not fair to them to be mad if you haven't told them you have an issue with the way they do something.

I think if you tell them and they ignore you, it's definitely time to find a new stylist - unfortunately some of us don't realize this untl they've taken off 3 inches of hair or caused you to lose half of it through over processing or overusage of heat.

Well said Adequate!

 

[gone_fishing]

Well said Adequate!

Thanks. You're quick. I was still editting.

 

[gone_fishing]

I think what you're describing is ideal, and in theory it's what we all should do. But that's easier said than done.

For many women, "walking out," or giving your stylist a piece of your mind, takes a level of bravado that we just haven't mastered yet. I would personally love to do this, but not sure if I am assertive/courageous enough. I think Supergirl's thread the other day about how she left was very inspiring for many of us, because we saw how it could be done in a polite and tasteful way. But even still, i know that wasn't easy for her to do.

Then, if this is your regular salon, some folks may have concerns surrounding that (Should I ever come back? Have I burned this bridge? Do I find another stylist within this salon, or switch altogether? Etc.)

Like yourself, I am VERY explicit about how much i want trimmed.... and i also watch them like a hawk so as to avoid any mishaps. Speaking up isn't a problem for me. Even still, I have gotten lopsided cuts and botched trims on occasion. At the end of the day, yes, it's your hair, and you are entitled to walk out if you choose. But i dont know that the reality for many women (myself included) is that cut and dried.

This is me, except I STILL neglect to tell my hair stylist when her roller set came out crappy. I just stare at it in the mirror like...I'll just fix it when I get home. erplexed

 

[firecracker]

Uh I wanna know too. I will say that I have left a few salon's unhappy and utterly speechless in my time.

 

[kally]

I guess they are either afraid they will hurt the stylist feelings or get told off in puublic, or feel like they are been a pain. At least that is what my excuse was.

 

[vevster]

I've walked out of salons.

 

[charmtreese]

Has anyone every asked their stylist to keep the relaxer only on the NG (as much as possible at least). My stylist gets too much relaxer on my previous relaxed hair. I love everything else about her other than her touch-up techniques and Im not sure how to tell her. I don't think Im afraid to speak up...

 

[MissMusic]

I just think i would seem arrogant for me to tell someone who went to school for the purpose of styling hair what to do, but since joining LHCF I know so much more that it makes it easier.

 

[Supergirl]

I've walked out of salons.

Okay, you don't count! We KNOW that you say what's on your mind.

If psychologists studied this phenomenon of us not speaking up in the salon, they'd most certainly come up with a name for it. I've seen at least a handful of women say something to the effect of "there's just something about being in that chair..." that keeps them from speaking up.

I think Kini & Adequate have expressed this well regarding us not wanting to hurt feelings, staying polite, and burning bridges.

Sometimes the longer you've known someone, the harder it is to speak up. This JCP stylist from the other day was completely new to me, so it was almost like no love lost. I don't know if I would've been able to leave someone I'd been with for a while in the same manner. I did have a stylist of 3 years that was great, but got too comfortable (I'm tired of this too) with me and relaxed (no pun) a bit. I stopped going. I happened to run into her and I was able to tactfully tell her that I had not been pleased with my hair on my last few visits. She started crying. There's a point blank example of what we are trying to avoid by not speaking up. But in her case, it was obvious that she was going through something and I also think that played at least a part in the sub-par job she did on my hair my last few visits to her. If she has gotten through her oreal, I would LOVE to go back to her. But as Kini said, it is hard to once you have spoken up for yourself about your hair.

Oh, and to the OP I have seen stylists that are kind of on auto-pilot and just pick up scissors without warning and without asking. I've learned that when I first meet a stylist, I just go ahead and tell her "no scissors unless we discuss it and agree" and I tell them that I pretty much do my own trims anyway.

 

[Supergirl]

Has anyone every asked their stylist to keep the relaxer only on the NG (as much as possible at least). My stylist gets too much relaxer on my previous relaxed hair. I love everything else about her other than her touch-up techniques and Im not sure how to tell her. I don't think Im afraid to speak up...

How long do you stretch your relaxers?

I am good for saying something like "I go X amount of weeks between relaxers to give my stylist enough new growth to work with and NOT overlap the relaxer on the previously relaxed hair." Add to this that you want your hair as healthy as possible and that you know overlapping will weaken your hair.

 

[charmtreese]

This last time I went 19 weeks. It appeared that she applied the relaxer to at least 3-5 inches of previous relaxed hair.

Thanks supergirl!

 

[wannabelong]

For me, it's because I don't want to hurt my stylist's feelings or seem rude. I know when I go back to her that I'm going to have to speak up in a tactful manner. TACTFUL is the key word and something I need to work on.

 

[back2relaxed]

Okay, you don't count! We KNOW that you say what's on your mind.

If psychologists studied this phenomenon of us not speaking up in the salon, they'd most certainly come up with a name for it. I've seen at least a handful of women say something to the effect of "there's just something about being in that chair..." that keeps them from speaking up.

I think Kini & Adequate have expressed this well regarding us not wanting to hurt feelings, staying polite, and burning bridges.

Sometimes the longer you've known someone, the harder it is to speak up. This JCP stylist from the other day was completely new to me, so it was almost like no love lost. I don't know if I would've been able to leave someone I'd been with for a while in the same manner. I did have a stylist of 3 years that was great, but got too comfortable (I'm tired of this too) with me and relaxed (no pun) a bit. I stopped going. I happened to run into her and I was able to tactfully tell her that I had not been pleased with my hair on my last few visits. She started crying. There's a point blank example of what we are trying to avoid by not speaking up. But in her case, it was obvious that she was going through something and I also think that played at least a part in the sub-par job she did on my hair my last few visits to her. If she has gotten through her oreal, I would LOVE to go back to her. But as Kini said, it is hard to once you have spoken up for yourself about your hair.

Oh, and to the OP I have seen stylists that are kind of on auto-pilot and just pick up scissors without warning and without asking. I've learned that when I first meet a stylist, I just go ahead and tell her "no scissors unless we discuss it and agree" and I tell them that I pretty much do my own trims anyway.

I don't think its necessarily about being afraid, but more about not wanting to get into a confrontation. My previous stylist I went to for 1.5 yrs. She too got really comfortable. Taking a long time to do my hair, complaining, talking to others instead of working, talking on the cell phone! It was too much! Both me and a friend both just stopped going. She bought her own salon, and instead of going to the new place, we just found new stylists. I am very pleased w/the professionalism of my new stylist, so hopefully she will stay that way and not get too comfortable!

 

[mzcris]

I have spoken up and walked out of a salon...and years ago I did not pay a lady because she did not do my hair right...she did what she wanted to do to MY HAIR...she called the police on me and the police told her she would have to take me to court! To make a long story short...she did not take me to court...but I still DID NOT pay her....I don't play when it comes to my hair...

 

[LaShanne]

Whenever I went to a salon it was usually a last minute appointment and I had to beg my stylist to fit me in. I usually had an event to attend or something to do that night. I couldnt walk out because I REALLY NEEDED to get my hair done. Since I blamed myself for waiting to the last minute to make my appt, I just accepted whatever BS came along with it.

 

[Fine 4s]

As mentioned, this goes way beyond speaking up to just your hair stylist. The same folks who don't speak up to their hair stylist, won't speak up to others in other situations as well (bosses, close friends, some family members and many others.)

I'm one of those people afraid to speak up for not only fear of confrontation but also on a fundamental level, in general I think people are motivated by looking good and avoiding looking bad. Lately, I am more committed to speaking up when I feel wronged to get over this obsession with 'looking good'. The goal is not to start an argument but to air out perceptions and misunderstandings and negotiate a solution where both parties are satisfied. It takes guts to accept temporarily 'looking bad' to our hair stylist in the moment we bring up the objection.

In my last experience, the person who braided my hair is an acquaintance of mine and it felt harder to request that she do something differently during the service after she had invited me to her party just months prior! Silly logic but the mind has a funny way of rationalizing things to avoid doing what's right lol. And let's not forget some hair stylists who will straight cuss you out in public even if you are right! I would often hear a stylist talk badly about another customer that does speak up. Poor customer service plays some part in this as well.

But no matter what other factors come into play, it all boils down to the individual and their inability to speak up!

I think there should be a ‘Speak up’ Challenge…

 

[xstacy2]

I have said it looks fine , get in the car and put a hat on in the car. I don't like to offend people when they think they did a great job. I just don't go back.

 

[Artemis]

Here's a link to my "Unprofessional Professional" thread
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=178963

All of you ladies who just leave your stylists without saying anything, there are some tips in there for you (namely sending that stylist a letter or postcard explaining why you left, even if it's an anonymous one).

That way you can let them know that they need to be aware of what they are doing and you don't have to deal with the confrontation issues...

 

[Glitter]

I know for me, I had been seeing the same stylist since I was 11 years old. She did all the females in my family. I became less and less satisfied with my hair - how do you go to a stylist for over 5 years and only see you hair grow 3 inches? The problem was, I couldn't leave - my parents were not going to drive me around to another salon. I had to wait until I was more independent (19) before I could say anything. Even still, my stylist will ask my family for me. It can be awkward.

Also, I think some people can tell their stylists are trying to please them. I don't think most stylists are intentionally cruel people out to ruin all of your progress - they really think they are making you look better. To criticize them in the wrong way may be to completely insult their sense of style and their artcraft. How would you feel if somebody told you that you were terrible at your job? If done incorrectly, that's what it may sound like.

 

[Fine 4s]

Disclaimer: I love playing devil's advocate...

Xstacy2 said: I have said it looks fine , get in the car and put a hat on in the car. I don't like to offend people when they think they did a great job. I just don't go back.

This is a missed opportunity for both people to learn how do things differently or at the very least to ASK more questions. The very act of 'protecting' someone else's feeling is actually doing them more harm and equally as bad as being rude, arrogant or even silent. So, how can THAT be good? For all of us afraid to speak up, perhaps we should rethink how WE view the basic idea of speaking up. What if it was for educational purposes? no? maybe? If you think it shows lack of home training, arrogance, rudeness perhaps that thinking is preventing you from exploring a different way of framing the question so you just keep quiet all together? Again, framing is important here because really, you are not telling the stylist what to do but rather what works for you (hair styling is a customized business.)

How do I post an email I'm responding to in my post (with the darker green box) rather than copying and pasting like I'm doing now? I only see post reply one time at the top of the thread above the original poster's name....

 

[ravenmerlita]

IMHO, it's not just about speaking up, it's often about a difference of opinion/knowledge that can lead to confrontation. Speaking up is when you tell the subway guy to hold the mayo because you don't like it. He won't feel there's some judgment of him, that you're questioning his skills or etc.

But when you are sitting in that salon chair, when you speak up and tell the stylist what you want done with your hair -- especially when they want to do something else -- it's can seem like you are questioning the stylist's judgement or skills, that your opinion is more valuable than theirs, that you are right and they are wrong. I think what stops people from "speaking up" is the possible confrontation and the self-doubt that they know more than this professional.

I don't know if this makes sense but that's how it seems to me.

Anyway, I feel lucky because I rarely go to a salon anymore, and then it's only for wash and sets, maybe a blow-out. But I've had stylists get an attitude when I told them no oil or grease or oil sheen or stopped them from roughly detangling my hair. So, I say that I'm very tenderheaded or that I have allergies or sensitive skin. This may not be brave but I get what I want and they don't feel challenged.

 

[cocoberry10]

I agree with Kini. However, I did walk out of a hairdresser once, with wet hair. He relaxed my hair (terribly) and I knew it didn't take at all. I was sooooooo pissed, I had to go. I was like, I want to let my hair airdry!

I think what you're describing is ideal, and in theory it's what we all should do. But that's easier said than done.

For many women, "walking out," or giving your stylist a piece of your mind, takes a level of bravado that we just haven't mastered yet. I would personally love to do this, but not sure if I am assertive/courageous enough. I think Supergirl's thread the other day about how she left was very inspiring for many of us, because we saw how it could be done in a polite and tasteful way. But even still, i know that wasn't easy for her to do.

Then, if this is your regular salon, some folks may have concerns surrounding that (Should I ever come back? Have I burned this bridge? Do I find another stylist within this salon, or switch altogether? Etc.)

Like yourself, I am VERY explicit about how much i want trimmed.... and i also watch them like a hawk so as to avoid any mishaps. Speaking up isn't a problem for me. Even still, I have gotten lopsided cuts and botched trims on occasion. At the end of the day, yes, it's your hair, and you are entitled to walk out if you choose. But i dont know that the reality for many women (myself included) is that cut and dried.

 

[kally]

As mentioned, this goes way beyond speaking up to just your hair stylist. The same folks who don't speak up to their hair stylist, won't speak up to others in other situations as well (bosses, close friends, some family members and many others.)

I'm one of those people afraid to speak up for not only fear of confrontation but also on a fundamental level, in general I think people are motivated by looking good and avoiding looking bad. Lately, I am more committed to speaking up when I feel wronged to get over this obsession with 'looking good'. The goal is not to start an argument but to air out perceptions and misunderstandings and negotiate a solution where both parties are satisfied. It takes guts to accept temporarily 'looking bad' to our hair stylist in the moment we bring up the objection.

In my last experience, the person who braided my hair is an acquaintance of mine and it felt harder to request that she do something differently during the service after she had invited me to her party just months prior! Silly logic but the mind has a funny way of rationalizing things to avoid doing what's right lol. And let's not forget some hair stylists who will straight cuss you out in public even if you are right! I would often hear a stylist talk badly about another customer that does speak up. Poor customer service plays some part in this as well.

But no matter what other factors come into play, it all boils down to the individual and their inability to speak up!

I think there should be a ‘Speak up’ Challenge…

I think that is a wonderful Idea!11. I too am afraid to speak up to others in my life. Also I can relate to not wanting to speak up to someone, just because they treated me to something or was nice to me. It does make it harder.

 

[kally]

Disclaimer: I love playing devil's advocate...

Xstacy2 said: I have said it looks fine , get in the car and put a hat on in the car. I don't like to offend people when they think they did a great job. I just don't go back.

This is a missed opportunity for both people to learn how do things differently or at the very least to ASK more questions. The very act of 'protecting' someone else's feeling is actually doing them more harm and equally as bad as being rude, arrogant or even silent. So, how can THAT be good? For all of us afraid to speak up, perhaps we should rethink how WE view the basic idea of speaking up. What if it was for educational purposes? no? maybe? If you think it shows lack of home training, arrogance, rudeness perhaps that thinking is preventing you from exploring a different way of framing the question so you just keep quiet all together? Again, framing is important here because really, you are not telling the stylist what to do but rather what works for you (hair styling is a customized business.)

How do I post an email I'm responding to in my post (with the darker green box) rather than copying and pasting like I'm doing now? I only see post reply one time at the top of the thread above the original poster's name....

CLick on the Quote Button that is locate at the lower right hand section ofthe person you want to qoute. Then Scroll down and start your message under that persons message then click submit reply once you are done.

 

[Traycee]

My problem is speaking out when I should just be quiet ...and scared to speak up when it really matters..

This is one of my 2008 resolutions ....also to be more graceful and tactful

 

[Bubblingbrownshuga]

My problem is speaking out when I should just be quiet ...and scared to speak up when it really matters..

This is one of my 2008 resolutions ....also to be more graceful and tactful

I feel you on this, and not just with stylists (since I go to someone monthly now who listens ) , but in other areas of my life. I always fear of making an unneccessary (sp?) scene and causing myself to look bad.erplexed